AIBU to question my 20-year marriage and want to run away

[Silentscreaminside]

To question my marriage of 20+ years and feel like running away from my life?

Perimenopause- I think I’m so done with trying to cope with my own emotional drama I really can’t cope with anyone else’s.

Ive gradually gone low contact with my DM. I had a moment of clarity about how she affected me as a younger person and adult. I struggle to be in her presence and listen to the awful things she says about others.

I can feel very loving toward DH but the. He can be a complete manchild at times with his huffs and insensitive comments.

Im feeling very alone so may as-well be alone.

I have two older DC both getting on well, healthy no serious problems. No stress as such but DH does do a relentlessly stresssful job. I also have a demanding job role which I do enjoy but can be very demanding and stressful at times but not as much as DH’s

How did your marriage end?

How did perimenopause affect your relationships?

AIBU to question my marriage at this stage

I would pause.

sit with your husband and talk. Perimenopause is real and the way it makes us feel is real….but often temporary.

that doesnt mean things don’t need to change with your husband, but have the conversation first.

i left my husband two years ago as peri really kicked in.

two years later? We’re inseparable and we both worked on ourselves individually.

however my friend who did similar, has allowed herself to almost relish in the feeling of peri and it’s turned her quite bitter.

so I suggest you pause, confide in a close friend, and talk with your husband about how you feel.

if he can’t understand and is unwilling to change,
you know you did everything you could.

Hi OP. You sound as though you could do with some professional help. I have been divorced for 20 years, but have recently found the most amazing counsellor. She is a total Godsend. See if you can find a reliable local organisation. I'm sure that it will really benefit you.

Take care x

I ended a twenty year relationship over a lasagne.

Talking, reading and therapy helped me come to terms with the fact that I was in an emotionally, financially and sometimes physically abusive relationship and I’m still working through it.

But the catalyst was that sodding lasagne.

@JustFrustrated this is so sensible I know I will talk to him right now I feel so done.

@OutAndAbouting thank you for the prompt. I have been thinking about this for a little while but more in connection to how guilty I feel for ‘seeing’ my DM for what she is.

There is no Lasagne here today but did get woken up…..

Therapy for childhood issues really helped me realise that a lot of my issues were a ‘me’ problem. We have both changed as we have got older, more so for me in peri. I needed to sit DH down and sort some resentment on both sides and we do have a better relationship than we did. I do though sometimes fantasise about living alone in a cottage near the sea. 😂

JFDI!!

You'll never look back, and whatever happens with your marriage, and indeed your relationship with DM, all will be carefully considered. Take care.

The cottage made me smile

yeah think I’ve got some work ahead of me

I've had friends get HRT and step back from divorce lawyers. Things do come to a head with all the crashing hormones. It may be worth getting some professional help - counseling and GP, before you make any decisions. It may be that the relationship is the problem, but maybe exclude other possibilities too.

Call me cynical but nine times out of ten when people blame their marriage problems on perimenopause I think they have it back to front: the marriage is generally the problem and perimenopause has finally allowed the scales to fall from their eyes.

Perimenopause is real and it can definitely affect you, but not in the way it's portrayed on here. You see endless examples on threads of people blaming it for their reaction to shit behaviour from a husband or another male. As an outsider it's very clear that its the man's behaviour which is the problem, not perimenopause. Perimenopause gives you a certain clarity about your boundaries and a pair of balls about standing up to blokes who are being bellends. It's not a personality transplant.

Without more specificity it's hard to know if YABU or if your husband is an arse. But I'd put good money on it being the latter and the lack of happy hormones giving you the ability to see through it.