AIBU to question autism being used to excuse angry behaviour?

[MuntyInvers]

Sister’s husband seems to be always getting into arguments and altercations with people. Man playing music too loudly at coffee shop, person in the wrong lane at the roundabout etc. At first you might think he is a softly spoken middle professional with impeccable manners. But there is an explosive anger in him that comes out. Sister says they suspect dh is on the spectrum (I don’t doubt it).

so often autism is cited for his poor behaviour. Is that acceptable? And a legitimate defence

It is possible that autism makes him less able to adequately cope with sounds or stresses, but as a capable adult it’s not an excuse to be rude or aggressive to random strangers. Sensory overload is real and difficulties with regulating emotions can be real. Autism can explain some things but it is not an excuse to be antisocial. Ways to cope need to be found.

Most people feel anger.

some autistic people have sufficient struggles that that they have pretty much 1:1 or 2:1 care to ensure no one else is injured.

many autistic people learn their triggers and either avoid them or develop coping methods (loop earbuds and the like).

so often autism is cited for his poor behaviour. Is that acceptable?

For some it's certainly understandable if they have trouble regulating their emotions, although not necessarily 'acceptable'.

But no-one here can answer your question considering none of you even know whether he does or doesn't have autism 🤷‍♂️

So I'm not sure what you're going to get from this thread in terms of it being useful to you.

Ds is very argumentative, not necessarily angry but he has a strong need for justice if he feels wronged in some way. He also struggles to see other peoples points of view due to rigidity in his thinking, hence arguments happening. He is also a kid though and kids love to argue 😆

My autism definitely makes certain things in society more difficult. It is absolutely not an excuse to lash out. I’m an adult and it is my job to remove myself from the situation.

Sometimes that literally means me moving away and sort of turning in on myself because the sensory overload and panic going through my body is overwhelming. Some person being antisocial can send me into a downward spiral and leave me exhausted for a day. That doesn’t mean I get to yell and scream at them. It’s my problem.

i carry earplugs now which does help quite a bit.

It is very hard to see people breaking rules when you have autism. If the rules exist, people should follow them.

It is also hard to see people being inefficient or illogical. ASD is frustrating because it lets you see how wonderful the world could be. You can see all the ways things could easily be improved and all the tiny flaws in the systems. That the NT people just go along and don’t adjust things to run better is infuriating.

It’s still not ok to lash out.

It’s hard to say. It might be an explanation. If he got a formal diagnosis that would allow him to understand what is going on, and with this understanding, he will be in a better position to tackle it.

i agree with PP’s comment about the strong sense of justice and fairness. The complaint about music being too loud could be due to sensory sensitivity and also poor language processing - I’m autistic and I really can’t understand what people are saying when there is background music, even though I have a very heightened ability to hear.

Sensory overload Probably a REASON for his distress but it doesn’t EXCUSE bad behaviour.

many of us are triggered by things but as adults we learn to mitigate these things and find coping mechanisms to deal with them .

Austism isn’t an excuse to do as you please.

All of us have personal responsibility and have to learn how to deal with triggers proportionally and in a way that doesn’t impact on others.

Autism might be the reason loud music or people 'breaking rules' or doing unexpected things is difficult for him, but his reaction is 100% his responsibility. I say that as a autistic person and carer of autistic kiddos.

Feeling angry is fine, but if he's shouting at random people or making an unpleasant environment for his family, then that's a choice that autism doesn't excuse.