To regret the abortion I had 5 years ago?

[Littlebittosunshine]

5 years ago I was in a relationship that had become very toxic. Mental and financial abuse. Arguments affecting the kids. I had two children already from the relationship. 8 Yr old DS and 12 month old DD. I knew I wanted out of the relationship but felt trapped. I found out I was pregnant at the doctors after feeling unwell. Discovered my coil had removed itself so was a real shock. There was no doubt in my mind at the time that I didn't want to keep it. Ex OH agreed. At the time it was lockdown and I was overwhelmed homeschooling DS and taking care of a baby who never slept.
The abortion itself was a disaster. I didnt see a single doctor about it, everything was done over the phone. Dates were just guesses as unsure on times because of the coil and breastfeeding. So i never had periods. I missed the second phone call where they were supposed to tell me all about how to take the pill and side effects etc but thankfully they sent the pill to me the next day anyway. But it went very badly. OH left me to do it alone and I ended up bleeding so much i passed out in a puddle of blood on the living room floor. Thankfully I woke up and cleaned it up before the kids woke up. But felt terribly unwell for months after. Thought I was depressed, turns out i was very anemic. I wonder now if I was further along than I thought.
But I felt immediate relief it was done. I had no regrets at all at the time. When DD was turning two, around the time I would have been giving birth I was offered a new career path that changed my life. I felt the confidence and financial stability to leave the relationship. Have since become self employed and this has increased my income further. Later discovered my DD has special needs. If I wasn't self employed I would never have been able to hold down a job between all her medical appointments and non stop calls to come into school. Ex has become almost absent from their lives so everything is down to me. I very much doubt I would have been able to afford to get her the help she needs as the nhs waiting lists are years long.
And yet I think about the child I could have had all the time. I know when my due date was. I think about their birthdays and starting school in September. I feel my DD is quite lonely as she struggles to make friends and could have had a sibling close in age to play with. Maybe I could have made things work. Maybe another job opportunity could have arisen. Or maybe id still be where I was back then. I guess ill never know.
Do you think I made the right decision?

I think you absolutely made the right decision, but that doesn’t mean it was an easy one 💐

Sorry to read that.

I think a lot of women regret having an abortion - it's probably due to hormones.

Yes, it does sound like it was the right decision, but it's natural to think "what if".

There's no guarantee that siblings will get along!

You made the right decision for you at the time and nobody can judge you for that, things sounded extremely difficult for you back then so yes you made the right decision.

Have you thought about therapy op if the regret is still eating away at you?

Aw OP, I’m sorry ❤️ this sounds really hard for you. You seem like an incredibly strong person and you’ve done absolutely amazingly to get where you are now. To be honest it doesn’t read like you regret your abortion as such, it seems like you very much recognise it was 100% the right thing for you - moreso you just regret that it had to happen at all and you’re still sad (for yourself and your baby) that you ended up in that situation. FWIW I also think it was the right decision. You sound like a tough cookie so I’m sure you’d have got out eventually and made it work, but it would have been so much harder with another baby. And there are no guarantees - maybe it would have been the difference between you having the life you have now, and still being stuck there in that shitty situation. You did the right thing for yourself and your children - and that includes the child you didn’t keep. This sounds horrible but I’m very much a pragmatist and tbh I’ve met plenty of children who probably would have been better off not existing. They are loved because they’re here, but the lives of everyone around them would be objectively better if they’d not been born - and that’s pretty shit for everyone, including the child in such scenarios. Every baby deserves to be loved and wanted and born into good circumstances where they can reach their full potential. You’ve given yourself and your children a brilliant future and that’s an incredible achievement ❤️

I had a friend who had an abortion in the mid 60s, when it was illegal. The father was a student and she was quite young. They did marry and regretted their decision later. I don't know what became of them as we lost touch. So I hope life has since been kind to them.

It is always a very hard decision, but I do think under the circumstances at the time, and even now, you did the right thing. The pressure would have been enormous at the time and with your daughter with special needs that pressure would still be there, but different.

I’m a firm believer that we make the right decision in the moment with the information we have. You weren’t to know how things would turn out and you weren’t in a good situation then. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Something that has really helped me is referring to Mo Gawdat. When he has a thought that makes him unhappy, he asks: “Is it true?” If it isn’t, he drops it. If it is true, he asks: “Can I do something about it?” If he can, he does it. If he can’t, he accepts it — because all the stress in the world won’t change it. Then, once he accepts it as the new baseline, he commits to doing something to make things better. You can’t change the decision. So how can you learn to accept it and allow yourself to live the best life you can.

From what you’ve said, you absolutely made the right decision. Think about the reality of another tie to a toxic partner/ex who didn’t care about your wellbeing, stretching your emotional and financial resources even further to the detriment of all your children. Perhaps some counselling would help you?

Yes you did.enjoy your kids and don't look back. It wasn't meant to be at the time. It's normal for a woman to mull over an abortion. I still occasionally do and mine was in 1996.

I’m so sorry op 💐

How you feel is how you feel, and it’s good to express it here.

It’s possible to have made the right decision, which it sounds like it was at the time, but still feel sad about it. That’s completely natural.

And the experience you went through, totally alone, sounds almost medieval. That is really shockingly awful.

You deserve so many congratulations for escaping a toxic relationship and progressing in your career. Sometimes it just isn’t possible to do everything, especially when you have a child with SEN.

Maybe it’s only now, when you are looking back from a place of “safety” that you have created for yourself; that your mind is allowing you to grieve a really difficult event? And it’s ok to acknowledge it as such.

Sometimes, as supporters of the right to a safe abortion for every woman, we hesitate to say abortion can be hard. It was for a close family member of mine. Not for everyone in every circumstance, but sometimes it is.

No one wants to find themselves in that situation really, and men can escape it freely without any reflection or medical intervention or pain, and I know this may be a controversial thing to say for some people, but imho it is a serious decision and you are allowed to mourn. Even though you might make the same decision again if circumstances were similar. 💐

It sounds like you made the right decision for the right reasons at that time. Regret is a one way street to nowhere, don’t beat yourself up!

I had an abortion 13 years ago and while I never regretted it, I resented the fact I had to go through it and I had a couple of counselling sessions to help me deal with that. I’d strongly recommend speaking to someone xx

I think feeling sad about it doesn't mean regret here. Of course it is natural to feel sad for a life that could have been, and you should allow yourself those feelings of grief. Just because it is painful doesn't mean it was the 'wrong' choice (not that I think abortion is generally a situation with a right or wrong choice anyway). You sound like you've done well to build a life you should be proud of.

There are two things here, one is the decision itself, I can't imagine anyone but the absolute anti-abortionists here suggesting you made the wrong decision, you absolutely made the right decision for everyone involved - you, your other children, even your ex, both based on the information you had at the time and what you know now.

The actual abortion sounds horribly traumatic and I wonder if you've properly come to terms with that side of it? Trauma can affect us for a long time afterwards.

Edited to say that this is in response to MayaLui

Eh? Have you rtt properly or just scanned it?

I’ve read through the entire thread and without exception, unless I have missed a page or something, every single post has said it sounds like op made the right decision.

And the last thing she needs atm is a polemic.

I am pro-abortion but I don’t think it serves women to deny emotional pain some may feel around the issue.

*Edited again to apologise if I have read MayaLui´s *post too literally?

Sorry, if I you are referring to anti-abortionists in a hypothetical sense?**

I think you absolutely made the right decision. That doesn't mean you are not allowed to grieve - for all the harm that was done to you in your toxic relationship, and for the loss of a baby who would under different circumstances be with you today.

If you can, I would seek out some bereavement support.

Thank you for all the kind replies. I've never spoken about it so to get it off my chest and have such kind responses has healed a bit of me. I do agree with the comments that some therapy would be a good idea. Been so focused on DDs therapies I hadn't spared a thought for myself.

Sometimes it’s the saying it out loud or at least on an anonymous forum that’s definitely the start of a healing process. Otherwise the thoughts can spiral inside our heads.

You can only make decisions at a point in time, based on the information you have at the time.

The thought of a sibling close in age is a natural one as a solution to another child's loneliness.

You are bound to think of "what if's" , no matter what. You make the paths not taken fit current problems.

Your body is always producing hormones making you want more babies! You had a foetus which again could have been a solution to this.

You've made the right decision. You wouldn't be where you are today.

From personal experience of lockdown and medical stuff, please get some help. It's absolutely worth it. You can come to terms with all that awful stuff, and move forward.

You made the right decision for you at the time.

You keep thinking about how good it would be now to have two children but equally it could be worse! you need to try and reframe everything in your mind and remind yourself how it was the best decision at the time and have no regrets.

You can't go back and undo it. It was the right decision at the time. I think many women experience this feeling of loss of the child they might have had.I think it is one of the problems of pro choice that these feelings are not acknowledged and there isn't any counselling. Please be kind to yourself.

Totally understand this. Please read The Healing Choice by Candace De Puy, I cannot explain how much it helped me move forward. Sending so much love, you made the best decision at the time and that's all we can do x