AIBU for missing my estranged nan's funeral to protect my mental health?

[Whatthefork1]

I’ll try and cut a long story short.
My mum had an affair with another man when I was 11 years old. My dad’s side of the family, still to this day hold a huge grudge against my mum for this, 20 years on.

Because of this myself and my sister were always in the middle and they made it very difficult for us and quite often said nasty things about our mum. My dad actually never did, he was always civil.

The situation blew up when I was about 19 and I discovered some nasty things that were said about myself and sister, after confronting the family members, it blew up and basically was never right after that, we were basically punished for loving and having a relationship with our mum.

Gradually our dad drifted too and has now not spoken to me for 2 years and my sister probably around 4 years. I have tried on several occasions to reach out and reconcile things (even though I have done nothing wrong), but he just completely ignores me. He’s never met either of my children and isn’t interested and ignores every message I send him.

A few weeks ago my Nan passed away. I was so torn on whether to go to the funeral or not. I haven’t had contact with her for nearly 12 years, I have seen her in public and have said hello and been ignored. But I still thought, she is my Nan and I do have good childhood memories with her. However I also didn’t think I could deal with seeing that whole side of the family and potentially being ignored by my own dad.

I decided not to attend the funeral, for my own mental health. AIBU for not going to the funeral? I feel terrible about it, but I also don’t think I’d be able to have coped with being there either.

Why would you go? You barely knew her, she treated you terribly and it’s only a funeral. It would be weirder if you did go, it would look pretty provocative

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

You are in no way unreasonable for not attending a funeral.

Funerals are really a ritual organised to supporting the remaining family and friends

If it wasn't going to be helpful to you, you made a wise decision not to go.

Lots of love - you deserved better from both your grandmother and your father.

She ignored you in public. That was the moment she cooked her goose. Don’t go and don’t feel guilty.

I absolutely wouldn’t go if it was going to upset you - what’s the point in doing that?

Did your mum leave your dad for the affair man? Or expect your dad to restart the relationship?

Absolutely NBU. I think you’re quite not to expose yourself to more hurt and abuse from your father. You can pay your respects in other ways should you choose to, not that you should feel you ought to.

Yes she did. They are now married and still together 20 years on.

They probably feel they have to ignore you out of loyalty to your dad even though you are as impacted as he was. That is a blinkered and emotionally immature approach. You don't need them, you don't owe them anything. Remember the good times you had with your gran and then as a gift to yourself cut the rest free.

Sorry, can't tell if the funeral is upcoming or a past event.
If it is upcoming, is it one of those ones that is recorded? That way you can "attend" but not have to encounter family.

I think you need to leave them to grieve her, they’re the ones who had relationship with her.

You chose your Mum.

This, your mum had an affair, probably devastated their son/brother.
did your parents have shared contact or did you stay with your mum and take her side in her affair?

I disagree with this - from my understanding the OP was a child. No child should be made to 'choose' a side. It was the responsibility of the adults around her to separate their feelings about her mother's behaviour from any perceived 'loyalty' of the OP's

I didn’t choose anyone… I was 11 years old when my parents split, I was a child. No adult should make it difficult for a child in the way they did.

I actually stayed with my dad when it first happened as i was so devastated and angry with my mum, but yes after a time it was shared contact.

There is no law to say you have to go to any relatives funeral.

do what works for you - your attendance or not is no one else’s business .

Don’t go. Instead take an afternoon to do something nice that honours her and grieve for her. Perhaps plant a tree or some rosemary in your garden. Eat a meal that makes you think of her. Talk out loud to her and say goodbye.

Theres no need to go to a funeral to honour someone, especially if the other people there most likely don’t want you there. Funerals are ways of people dealing with grief and saying goodbye. But they are not the only way. Choose a different way. It will be better for everyone

Do something nice for yourself instead.

I didn’t go, the funeral was yesterday. I just feel very sad as I so wish things had have been different. So much time passed and the longer we didn’t have contact, the harder it was to reconcile anything.

I voted for you not to go. I don’t really have a lot to help other than to say I have very similar family circumstances from my childhood (mum had an affair, lots of acrimony, some bad behaviour from my dad’s side) so I just wanted to send love and understanding on how hard all of this stuff is to navigate as an adult ❤️.

What's it got to do with protecting your mental health? I very strongly sense that you wouldn't be expected or welcome at the funeral.

Your Dad's side of the family have sided with your Dad to the extent that they want nothing to do with you. It's very shabby of them but really inexcusable from your Dad. I'm sorry he's so awful.

Best to view them as relatives you choose to be estranged from.

None of this is your fault OP. You were a child and you shouldn't have been put in the middle and blamed for still having a relationship with your mum.

Your dad's family sounds pretty toxic to take it out on your and your sister, even when you were children.

They wouldn't have welcomed you at the funeral and it would have been really upsetting for you.