He drives me mad. Any tips for a weekend break and am I even doing the right thing?

[Tusnd10010]

Ex and I try to co parent well. Try being the key word! He’s never really been around for ds and due to the nature of his work (outing if I specify), he spends significant time working abroad. This means ds now 4 has never lived with ex or stayed over with him.

Ds and ex do have a decent relationship as I have gone out of my way to try and support that. Ex is a workaholic and no matter what I’ve said over the years he simply won’t change his work patterns to see ds more.

So that’s where we are at. One thing he tries to do is book holidays during his annual leave for ds. As ds spends all his time with me, he wants to be with me too. Due to ex’s absence a lot of the time I don’t feel it’s fair on ds for me to just leave him with ex to go on holiday, maybe when he’s older but not at 4.

I feel drained by him. He’s not a bad person but it’s hard because I’ve moved on now and spending time with him is difficult. Am I doing the right thing overall for ds? We do have a nice time when we go away but I do spend a lot of the time messaging my friends as he’s hard to be around. Ds seems to enjoy the holidays though. What do you think?

Well it's up to you really isn't it whether you actually want to keep doing it

Cos no one's forcing you

Yes your child might want you there. Because you're his mum. But that doesn't mean he won't be fine if you're not there.

None of your post indicates that he won't be fine if you're not there to be honest. Sometimes we have to start the ball rolling.

I don't get it. so you go on holiday together. You have separate rooms. You play happy families during the day and then in the evenings he goes off and does his own thing, sleeps in his own room and you're still there caring for DS? How long are these holidays for?

I think it's totally reasonable for you to say you're not interested but I do understand that your DS wants to do them.

so I'd put more rails in place. Do you get a say on where these holidays are? Perhaps make sure they are shorter. Or insist that you will take turns on evenings off so you can do your thing. Or even, bring a friend so that you and your friend have the days together and then sure, you can have DS in the evenings.

But no, it's no tideal, and your ex is clearly a bit of a dick wanting it all his own way. I bet he tells everyone how kind and generous he is with paying for your holiday and taking his ds away etc etc etc.

It’s not that complicated. If your ex can’t look after his own child overnight, and has no interest in learning to, then he doesn’t get to take him on holiday. It’s ridiculous that you’re facilitating this.

But it's not DS' decision, of course he will be upset at the thought of being away from you if he's never done it.

If there's no court order in place then you can just say no to your ex. Just because he says he will only do things this way doesn't mean you have to agree to it. It's clearly not in DS' best interest to spend so little time together then a confusing time on holiday where you are also there.

You say you have moved on, so hold that line. What happens if you meet someone else? Will they be happy with you heading off on holiday with your useless ex? Assuming you are working you are using annual leave to be miserable.

Whose room does DS sleep in? You say DS would be confused if you didn’t go but you are setting him up to be more confused by the lack of boundaries. Maybe go on the next holiday but completely step back. Ex and his son share a room - you do your own thing during the day. This will pave the way for them to holiday without you.

I think this is mad, bordering on dysfunctional TBH.

I think your ex needs to book his “holidays” in some accommodation near you and DS and spend the days in the first instance doing normal stuff with your DS, like cooking, then going to the park. Then he can have DS overnight on one or two nights during the week and see how it goes.

The current arrangement where he pays for the holiday but you have to go, and he won’t take DS overnight on his own is bizarre. He gets to play Disney dad with a full time childminder, and you have to put up with him (and potentially use up annual leave), no thanks. Of course the odd day out together would be great and birthdays etc but not full on holidays.

If he won’t start building up- even every 2/3 weeks- to having his own son overnight regularly, I would honestly stop facilitating and just leave him to make the next move. There’s only so much you can do.

What do I think? I think this isn’t a sustainable solution, confusing for DS, and you should stop facilitating ex in being such a useless parent.

I really think he needs to be taking your DS away on his own, and also building up to this by having him overnight at home first.

It’s much better for little kids to see the NRP little and often I think.

You having to go with him is completely ridiculous. As others have said, he can be the big “I am” as he perhaps is at work, with you as akin to a paid childminder for your own child!

If he won’t build up with overnights, then he doesn’t get to take him. End of.

I kind of have this situation at the moment with my 8 year old. She does stay at her dads overnight occasionally but he wants to take her and older DD away. My youngest doesn’t like the idea of being away from me for a week, he asked me to go but as much as I don’t want to deprive her of a holiday with her dad I know it would be mental torture and confusing for the kids.
if he’s totally unwilling to have him any nights during the year if he wants to take DS away I’d recommend a weekend to begin with first maybe

No this is absolutely not normal and something you need to change. They need to build a relationship separately from you. He should be video calling as often as possible. He needs to start having him overnight in between holidays.

You need to ask your ex what would happen to your son if anything bad ever happened to you (long hospital stay or worse) i know its not nice to think about but i'd definitely want to know that something was in place so that you son had somewhere safe and happy to go. Not the point of the thread i know, i'm sorry

Whilst I understand you have started this with the best intentions you have landed yourself in a tricky situation. You need to start backing out of this now. It isn't a normal thing to be doing so frequently. You are basically there as the nanny. How would this work if either of you had a new partner? You couldn't take the time off to go? Don't you want to choose your own holiday? DS will be upset but he will also get over it. Give him time to process. Explain that it is his time with dad etc. Even if you start small by going home a couple of nights earlier, you do need to start organising your own life not jumping to his tune.

I think this is really confusing for your son to be honest.

What would happen if you refused to go? Would the holiday not happen.

Aside from the evenings apart on holiday are you doing “family stuff” together during the day?

If you're choosing to go on holiday with your ex, you have to own that decision because there are alternatives. You could tell your son that he is going away with Daddy for a few days and you can't go because you have to work. He may be upset at first but you reassure him that he'll have a lovely time with Daddy and that you'll facetime him so he can tell you all about it.

At some point you are going to want to stop going on holiday with your ex and the more you do it, the more your son will expect it. I think it would be easier to break the habit now.

But ultimately it's your choice to go, or not. If you do go, you just have to suck it up and try and have a nice holiday. It's your decision so you have to own it.

This is weird and confusing for DS. If you don't want to spend his 18th birthday on a yacht with your ex, stop it now! What happens also when one of you gets a new partner?

This is bizarre! So your ex has a child but only sees them with you there to be a nanny, and he graces him with his presence while you parent him? It almost sounds Victorian? That will definitely mess with your DS’s head and is not normal.
Stop that straight away or you’ll be doing it for the rest of his childhood. Ex should see his son for the holidays. If he doesn’t know what to do he’ll learn.

Based on this I would make this the last year you go with them. Next year DS will be 5 and at school and starting school does tend to make children grow up more regarding independence and autonomy. It's actually quite surprising how much they do change! Make the break once DS starts school.