Feeling like I am drowning

[PumpkinSpicedLatte]

Posting here for traffic I guess.

7 weeks pp. Baby boy is gorgeous. For a newborn he is a happy one, sleeps brilliantly in the day most of the time apart from the last few days have been bit and miss, and somewhat so so at night (grunts a lot, generally noisy, BF so is on and off me). Loves tummy time, loves music, can be put down but I tend to sling wear him as we have two 5 year olds (one step son, one biologically mine) . My wife (same sex marriage) works part time, so is present in the evenings (from 5:30) and back end of the week. A lot to be happy for, but I feel like I’m drowning.

I wrote on here back in 2020 when I was PP with my daughter during lockdown, and was flooded with support and ended up being very unwell PP (post partum psychosis and OCD) I don’t think I’m there now but I just miss my body-not my figure but my body just being mine. I miss my wife despite her being here. I miss the time we had, I’m struggling to split myself between 3 kids. I don’t want the two 5 year olds to grow up despising me. I baby wear so I can be there for shower time, bed time stories etc but I don’t feel like I’m doing enough but then I’m also wearing our baby for sometimes 3 hours at a time and don’t go for a wee in that time or sometimes don’t even sit down. My wife will wear the baby sometimes but he tends to want me for breast even if he’s not feeding I guess he can smell if it’s me or not.

I'm constantly leaking from my breasts and stink of sour milk. I’m crying a lot.. I am constantly trying to break the generational cycle in which I was raised, thus putting pressure on myself to be perfect. Everyone saying I’m doing so great but I don’t think I am? I want to take a super long shower without thinking I can hear the baby crying. I want to be able to settle him at night so I can maybe get a cuddle or enjoy a hot cup of tea but he won’t settle. He’s crying usually from about 7:30-10 and then he’ll sleep for a chunk and then wake for a feed. But in those hours if him not settling he won’t even take breast he’s just crying and I literally cannot settle him.

He’s a very much wanted and obviously planned baby, through a clinic. He’s a miracle. I love him and I do have a bond. But I just feel like I’m drowning . And when I can’t settle him i find myself looking at him and feeling so angry. What do I want from this post? No idea, I guess I just needed to write it out. Anyone else feel like this? I’ve spoken to my wife, but then she gets or feels upset as I suppose it makes her feel like rubbish knowing I feel this way, but I’m just feeling so lonely.

Could your wife take over for the day? Could you express so she can get up in the night and leave you to have a good nights sleep? You sound exhausted op.

@Larrythecatforpm he won’t take a bottle even with my milk. I’ve tried three different brands out of pure desperation and he isn’t interested. She took him for a walk in the pram the other day for half an hour and tried him in the sling another day for a walk to the shops so I could shower but that was at about 9pm and then we still had to try and settle him once he was out of the sling. I think I maybe am just really tired

You are very, very tired pumpkin. Is the wife off work today? Can you get in cat naps between feeding? Breast feeding alone will be taking a lot out of you let alone looking after two more little people on top of baby. Keep trying with the different bottles, maybe consider a dummy too. Hope you get some sleep lovely.

You are doing brilliantly, 7 weeks old is so tiny and lots of hard work. I know you said you don't feel as bad as with your first bit please speak to your health visitor or GP about how you're feeling given your history.

Have you been to the GP and is your HV supportive? There's a couple of worrying things in your post - thinking your older children could despise you despite you doing all you can, and thinking you can hear baby crying when your wife is "on shift". Given previous MH problems it might be worth getting checked out sooner rather than later.
You need to take care of yourself / put your own oxygen mask on first. If youre not going to the toilet as can't put baby down, you're also probably limiting fluids and I bet it means you're not making sure you get healthy nutritious food either both of which you need, especially when BF.
Hope you're ok, its hard spreading yourself between children with differing needs but just by virtue of the effort you're putting in, and how youre thinking of everyone I bet you're doing a great job.

Also, I know we try not to leave babies to cry, mine weren't left to cry either. I do think there's a world of difference though between "left to cry" and crying because it's not their favourite person soothing them. It's horrible to hear them cry, but she can't learn how to comfort him without a bit of trial and error. Can you try to reframe it in your mind - they are working on their relationship and they need to get that bond.

I don’t have children, but a tiny newborn and two five year olds is A LOT. Agree with others that you sound exhausted. Can you get support from the Perinatal MH Team (I’m guessing you were under them before with your first baby). They’ll want to help you and ensure things don’t get worse for you. 💐

I found this time period the hardest OP but it does get better, I promise. 7 weeks is still so soon after giving birth, you need to give yourself grace! A few weeks of missing showers and bedtimes for the other children whilst you rest won’t hurt in the long run. Whenever you can, I would rest on the soft (even when nap trapped) with a cup of tea and a box set.
to make it easier at night ( I also exclusively breastfed until 12 months) mine and my husbands deal was as I’m breastfeeding, he would pass me baby and put them back as well as going any night time nappies - this helped take the pressure off a bit and made me feel less alone. You’re doing a great job!

Thank you all for your lovely replies. I didn’t realise I’d get such a response thank you.
@Larrythecatforpm yes my wife is off today, I’m going to try and cat nap but I feel awful as she says she’s tired too, and has work to do, so I’m feeling like I shouldn’t sleep because if she can’t then why should I? Is that a poor mindset to have? We’ve tried a few dummies and he’s also not bothered but will keep trying .

@LasagneGoblin love your username. Thank you I will mention it at the 8 week check next week, baby is getting his jabs and I think they check me over too ( c section so I assume they’ll want to see my scar)
@MrsMuggin I think I have probably breezed over some of my signs more than I realised. I assumed it was normal to feel paranoid about thinking I can hear baby and also worrying about the other two hating me. I’ll definitely mention it.

@Turtlestarfish thank you, I really hope to BF to 12 months but often think the way the nights have been I just want to give up. It’s so hard isn’t it? My daughter had a CMPA and I’m constantly obsessively looking for signs that this one has it as I’m so scared I’m making him poorly with my milk

All sounds very normal, the evening crying, feeling touched out, not being able to "sleep when baby sleeps" etc.

It sounds like you think other women are doing better but they're not. Vast majority of us were in that place at 7 weeks too.

Get yourself out to some baby groups in the morning, chatting to adults who are in the trenches with you will make a world of a difference.

And just don't beat yourself up about it. This period goes by faster than you think.

In these circumstances your wife should understand that your tiredness trumps hers, at least for a while. She has not just grown and given birth to a whole new human, and she is not the one at risk of a serious mental illness.

7 weeks is such a tough time! It feels like forever but I promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel. My two DCs both turned a corner at 11 weeks. By 12-13 weeks they were completely different creatures. Life became easier - still challenging, but not nearly so draining.

Hang in there... it does get better!

@StressedANmum oh she does absolutely understand that too, she’s really good it’s my own issues that make me feel like her needs are more important than mine. I’m terrible at asking for help, which I guess is why I’ve posted here.

it’s just sad as I know how fast it flies and I don’t want to be waiting for it to be over but I know it gets easier and more fun to when they’re older but that also means the older two’s years are flying by and I’m not present enough to see it 😞

Ok, that's good, you really need someone supportive at this time. Your needs really matter at this point. If you find it hard to prioritise yourself, try to think of it as prioritising the baby - you can't look after her well if you're utterly exhausted, so you need to get some rest this weekend to be in good shape for her.