Neglectful/emotionally unavailable mother

[freudiansip]

Slightly merry, please bear with. I grew up with an emotionally unavailable mother, I can’t remember her ever telling me that she loved me for example.

She was 41 when she had me, I had older half siblings who I’m now close to. I remember her always having money for cigarettes and spirits, I’d go without very often. Id wash my nickers in the sink, my shoes were my sister hand me downs, shes a 7 and I’m a 4. We had pasta and cheese 4-5 times a week. I’d be bullied for smelling like fags, questioned by teachers. I’m 24 so a few years after smoking ban.

I'm feeling really resentful, I’m in an abusive relationship. She takes no interest in my life, any phone call launches into a monologue about foxes, bins, council. I’d like to go no contact, I’m not sure where I sit. She’s recently come into £400,000. As a teen, when I was on min wage, she’d take 70%, I will ask her for £2 for bread now and she’ll demand a justification, effectively making me beg.

I’m just fed up of it. Over the years I’ve paid for holidays, I’ve paid her bills. I’m in an unfortunate situation now that geographically I’m disconnected, she’d rather she us go without than help

I’m really sorry OP. This sounds like a horrible way to grow up. Just go no contact, I’ve found expecting nothing is better than hoping one day, they’ll change.

Are you saying that the only reason you’ve not stopped seeing her is that you hope she’ll share some of her inheritance, even though that seems unlikely?

We’d often sleep outside the house or in our wheely bin because she’d lost her keys after the pub. If regularly walk 2.5 miles home in the dark on a Sunday. I’ve paid for holidays for her, I’ve paid debt. I’m in a controlling situation, I’ve asked her for a few quid for bread or milk recently but she’ll effectively make me beg and demand it back when she won’t miss it. I want to stop speaking to her but complicated family dynamics mean well always be linked

Not at all, I can’t imagine it’ll last tbh! I have a mortgage, she lives very woe is me you know? Currently she’s pissed off that her UC has been capped due to her savings exceeding 16k.

I hate to judge, but she’s lived being propped up by UC, children, and parents. Her zone 4 rent is now £300 and she’s fuming about that and the council. I just want to shake her tbh

You say you are in an abusive relationship - what’s that all the about?

Whats your housing situation; do you have children; do you work?

Whats stopping you from walking away from all this and building a life for yourself?

It’s a 3 bed with an acre + garden. She’ll never manage to save any inheritance and im fine with that. It’s up to her to spend that how she sees fit.

Im upset that being the youngest, ive propped her up for years. I’d regularly buy her alcohol when she asked and cigarettes when she was low. I’m now struggling to feed a 15 month old and she wants me to plead for 75p. Even earning, as an apprentice.
, £500 a month, I was expected to send her £300. Despite this exceeding the rent.

I know she has a quarter of a mil in her account and she wants me to plead for a loaf of bread.

It’s abusive financially. DF is the main breadwinner, 70 p.a. I’m not working currently. I had a career, I have a degree. He working weeks and it’s not viable for DD to go into childcare.

our finances are not shared, I have to ask for £1 for bread sort of thing

That’s all beside the point. I’d I use rolled up loo roll for sanitary protection, we never had money for that. Shoes were always 2 sizes too small. I was never taken to socialise with children my own age. I didn’t know how to brush my teeth until I was about 19. I didn’t know bathing meant actively washing with a sponge and soap

We’d also, very very regulary, run out of electric and gas. I’d sit by candlelight from 11, waiting for for to return. We had a no hot water, I’d wash in the cold. She’s always smoked 40 a day though and had a bottle each day. I’m just annoyed now as a mum, I’d never let me kids go without for the sake or fags

Well why wouldn’t the OP be resentful?! She’s had a shit childhood but always been there for her mum. She now has some extra money and the OP is having issues that could be resolved or at least helped, by her mum’s inheritance. I would be pretty resentful if I grew up like that, supported my mum into adulthood and now she has some money couldn’t care less.

It sounds like you’re repeating familiar relationship patterns by having the partner you have. Putting your wellbeing in the hands of an unreliable and abusive person who makes you beg for the bare essentials.

I understand these things are not straightforward, but by remaining with a partner who makes you beg for the things you need, you are repeating the cycle for your daughter. I would be breaking that as soon as possible. I would look for work and I would leave him.

It’s tricky because we’ve relocated. I have no familiar help locally. Historically I’d be approaching his pay for a lot less hours. He sees it as providing but I find it restrictive.

I don’t think he realises what things cost though, as risk of excusing him. As mentioned above, we have no shared finances. He’ll send me £70 a week but it barely covers travel, we live in the sticks. Let alone milk and other top ops. He earns almost 6k before tax. Mortgage and bills are less than 2k

Tbh with you I’m mightily pissed off. Speaking about any type of feeling is like speaking to a brick wall. I have a daughter, I have nieces & sisters and I’m always receptive to their woes

I’m pissed off being told I couldn’t afford my Eng lit texts but there was always money for alcohol. I was bullied relentlessly for smelling like stale smoke and it wouldnt bother her. I started secondary in 2013, years after smoking ban

Dump both and move on with your life!

Have you actually talked to him and shown him how much things cost? Shown him receipts or pointed out the cost on the supermarket website? Do you write down what you spend so he can see that the weekly £70 is not enough?

Who does the weekly shop? If you live together, don’t you also eat together, so who buys the food?

What’s the rest of the relationship like? Why did you agree to relocate - presumably things were difficult before? Why have a child with this person? What are your joint/respective plans for the future?

So many questions, but your setup doesn’t make any sense. You may want to call Women’s Aid for advice on how to leave.

Having kids has this effect. You start looking at your parents differently. You love your child so much and can’t imagine even treating them how you were treated.
your mum was neglectful towards you - but cutting people off and going no contact is hard. Perhaps try low contact to begin with and see how that works.

Cut the horrible hag off but before you do , give her some home truths. She needs to hear them. She obviously thinks you've brushed it all under the carpet. Alcoholism is a selfish disease. You sound like a lovely, gentle person and she knows she can walk all over you with no retaliation. Get angry. Let her know what a useless mother she was and still is. Do the same with your partner. He is financially controlling you too.