How much do you see your teen?

[shizerhousen]

Feeling a bit rubbish at the moment. I have two dc. Ds14 and dd5. The age gap is tricky. My teen is mostly well behaved, good at school, very sporty and other than the normal teenage attitude I don’t really have any issues with him. However he seems to spend so much time alone. He comes in from school and goes straight in his room or to our garage (have some gym equipment in there). I pop in to speak to him but don’t get much. He eats dinner with us and watches tv from about 8pm til 10 when he goes to bed. Weekends are similar. At a push he will come to the gym or on a walk but that’s about it.

Now I get that some of it is normal. It’s also hard because if I want to do stuff with dd then obviously he has no interest because it’s not age appropriate for him. I still feel a lot of guilt taking dd out and leaving him home even though it’s what he wants. I used to take time off in the school holidays when dd was at nursery so we’d have some one on one time together to go the cinema or shopping but that’s harder now she’s at school and we struggle for childcare in the holidays. He also doesn’t seem that keen on doing it.

He is quiet and focused on what he likes doing - fitness, running, various sports, gaming with friends. But seems like a real loner. He has friends but would rather be alone. I worry about the amount of time he’s on his own and what’s going on in life. I always ask about school but answers are a bit short. It’s sad. Is this typical teen behaviour? I keep reminding myself that this is my first time parenting a teen and I need to cut myself some slack but I do worry.

I think it sounds fairly typical.

Although, if he is in to sports, is he not spending time with his peers there ?

Does he not spend time with other people when doing sports? Does he watch tv alone 8-10 or with you? Are you carving out time alone with him for things like the cinema or other ‘fun’ things he may agree to do with you?

I think you sound very self-critical. This sounds relatively normal to me. I also have a son who is just about to turn 14. He also goes straight to his room after school and games online with his best friends. So I don’t see him for a couple of hours! I’m a single parent and also have a dd who is younger (10 so not as young as yours but ds still has little interest in her). I absolutely leave him alone in the house if I have to take his sister to an activity and I don’t feel guilty about that.

One thing that helps in our house is I have a ‘no screens after dinner’ rule on weekdays which means that I do get to see him and talk to him then - I mainly implemented it so that I had a fighting chance of getting homework done with them, but if there isn’t much homework then we play a card game or just chat before bedtime. Also he has to help
me clear the kitchen up (not every day but a few times a week), we chat then. Could you ask for help with chores?

I feel for you bc I do feel a sense of time slipping through my fingers and I can’t quite believe he is suddenly so old. Do you feel a little sad in this teen stage? I don’t think it sounds like you have a problem though, maybe just a little anxiety xx

My youngest is a bit like this, I just try and remind him that we are here for him if he wants/needs us. He’s come out of his shell a little bit more in sixth form as his friendship group has widened. Plus if there’s a one to one situation and he does get talking (about something he’s interested in) he will chat for ages. I’ve found ‘side by side’ conversations, when driving/walking etc much easier and he’s more likely to talk/open up. Good luck

Yes sorry I should add that he sees friends/teammates during training sessions and matches but at weekends he would just rather be alone in his free time. Yes he watches tv with us during those hours so I will see him then but doesn’t feel like a lot. We used to do the cinema, shopping trips and other age appropriate stuff that we couldn’t do with my youngest. We’d do this during the school holidays on the days she was at nursery. But now she’s in school it’s harder and honestly he doesn’t seem that interested anymore.

I’ve been thinking about the summer holidays and considering taking both kids away to a caravan or just a few days to a nice picturesque town. We have a family abroad holiday planned but I thought I could do something on my own with them when Dh is working too. Teen seems totally uninterested and I get it, but then I think why waste my money trying to force it? But equally id feel guilty if I took my little
one and not him. But she shouldn’t have to miss out on things either. Honestly why is it so complicated!

i have a teen and a 9 year old so a closer age gap but they both love a board game which is great family time. Me and dh find shows in the evening that appeal to our teen ds and we watch those together, things like only murders in the building, motherland, detectorists etc. your teen sounds great 👍🏻

Why is it harder to take him to the cinema if you have a DH? Taking your kid out or on holiday isn’t wasting money, teens are naturally more closed off sometimes, it doesn’t mean they don’t want you to make the effort. It means their hormones are wild and they are growing up fast and they’re still figuring things out.

However he really doesn’t sound like a loaner or anything like that, he’s sociable and active but likes some downtime on the weekend, there’s literally nothing wrong or weird about that.

I have teens and one of them is like this so I think this is pretty normal OP. Does he game with his friends? If so, remember that when he's "alone" he's actually interacting with friends, albeit online rather than in person. Dinner and TV together sounds good to me. It's normal for them not to want to come to the cinema or shopping with you at this age OP.

I would also leave your DD with your DH at times and do something for just you and DS, and your husband do the same.

Some of DS' staying alone may be the things you are doing are geared towards the younger child.

I think you’re doing really well if he watches tv for two hours a night with you. I have older teens and by 14/15 they didn’t watch much tv with us - but would do specific programmes.
We try and make the most of chatting at dinner but we couldn’t always get much out of them when they were younger teens. We do a couple of quick daily online quizzes after we eat if they’re around for dinner and it’s a sort of shared thing that seems to work.
I quite like giving them lifts as it’s talking time. I try and get them out to see a play or exhibition they might like a few times a year and we do the cinema a bit more.
I think with teens just make the most of any opportunities to chat but don’t push it. It sounds like you’re doing well and maybe just accept the level of communication will vary. I think I get more chat now from them that they’re out doing more independent things.

I still feel a lot of guilt taking dd out and leaving him home even though it’s what he wants.

Having been a 14 year old boy, I really wouldn't worry about this. You probably don't want to think too hard as to the reason why, but an empty house was a very very prized thing at that age.

Sounds fairly normal to me. My 13 year old is generally up in his room playing Xbox or his guitar or his out for hours on end in his bike with his mates. We don’t see an awful lot of him at times. 18 year old was much the same at that age although didn’t go out as much as my younger son does. Hardly see him now as he’s working f/t and out most Fri and Sat nights with his mates. May see him Sunday! It’s all change and the teenage years can be difficult to navigate as you see them growing and changing and getting their independence but from what your describing sounds pretty normal to me