Low social battery, chronic anxiety

[Beautyintheeyes]

Hello ladies 🙏

I wonder if someone can relate or look at this situation from the outside looking in. I have a friend that lives 4 hours away and she’s having a gathering this weekend. It was sent out months ago and at the time I said yes because I wanted to in that moment. As we draw closer to Saturday I’m starting to somewhat get overwhelmed. I haven’t thought of the logics properly but now I have I’m really not keen on going. This isn’t about her btw I really really enjoy our friendship however, there is a big drinking culture, I’m a t total after being a binge drinker for many years but also I’ve been TTC recently had an ectopic and yeah just life. So basically looking at the logistics, we would need to drive 4 hours spend the day/night and then 4 hours back the next day as both self employed and this month is tight so can’t afford to take days off. Problem is we’re so tight we’re staying at the house which is where the party is, which could go on till early hours of the morning and as we’re not keen on drinking it just feels like a lot for us right now. I’m exhausted mentally recently and so I’ve just changed my mind. I’m worried now I will lose a friend from this or seen like I don’t “care” or value our relationship. FYI I cancelled a couple of months ago for her bday because I was still recovering from surgery and I felt so bad for that so this time I’m even worse! Any ladies feel the same or AIBU?

Well, she’ll possibly be a little hurt at two cancellations in a row, but you were recovering from surgery last time, and tbh, isn’t it possible she invited you without expecting you to come? I can’t think of many people who would drive four hours to a party, sleep over in the party house and get up early enough to drive four hours home in time for work.

No definitely not because she’s mentioned a couple of times in recent messages she’s exited to see us! So we’re working Friday and Monday which is why we’re doing in all within the weekend but equally it wasn’t worth taking days and losing money too as work swings in roundabouts.

I think a 4 hour drive each way for one evening party is a big ask. Ideally it would have been better if you said no at the time or at least less close to the time.

was the previous cancellation also you going to her ie 4 hours travel?

To soften the cancellation can you suggest a different meet up another time? Maybe a day out half way between you ?

Yes last time it was a Airbnb also 4 hours away and I was 6 weeks post op but still not right in myself. We still paid our share for the Airbnb, sent a card and present and I was really sad for letting her down! I should have said no earlier I do agree and that I need to work on but as we’ve just been in the thick of life I have admittedly just put it in the back burner. But also I find I realise much too late sometimes that I’m a women in my 30s and don’t have go to things I don’t want to? Last we met just before Christmas we met half way that time which was better so I might suggest it again.

Urgh. Difficult one, I understand why it feels too much for you to go, but canceling again is poor form and the friendship might suffer. Is it possible to stay somewhere else other than the party house so at least you can get some sleep?

We looked at that as we did discuss going and showing up even if it’s at a hotel is better than nothing but hotels in the area aren’t cheap it’s £100 or more for the night and we just can’t justify it along with petrol, bringing some food to the party and a present as it’s their first wedding anniversary so yeah. It’s crap I think behind the scenes I’ve been running round a lot for others recently and feel I’ve poured too much from my cup!

I think you have to accept that she'll think you're unreliable if you cancel again and the friendship might be impacted.

Totally understand that could happen and I hate that to happen but I just value my friendships so much differently. I have never valued by when I see people or having a get together and them not coming to it as a deal breaker. I don’t know why and I feel different when I say it out loud. I’ve one other friend who is long distance and we’ve not seen each out in years but it’s such an easy friendship not based on meeting, there’s never been any pressure and we’re always voice noting, sending cards ect. That for me is what I value.