AIBU to call out my mum's unkind, mean spirited comments

[Sarfldner]

To call my DM out on her mean spiritedness.

She has always been a bit of a main character and likes to be a victim but , even by her standards, this is bad.

1. Saying a friend of hers who recently had cancer is making a big deal of it - my DM literally never stops talking about her arthritic hip
2. About someone who fostered children - she’s only doing it for the money. She’s really not, she’s an incredibly loving, maternal person.
3. To her friend whose husband (much loved )died a year ago - a therapist told me that my separation (almost 40 years ago to a man she hated) was just as bad as your husband dying.

In each of these scenarios, I mentioned that she might be kinder but apparently I am being mean to her !

I've got a mother exactly like this, has to be the centre of attention at all times, and never seems to have anything nice to say about anyone. The times I've called her out on her horrible remarks, she's turned it on me and made me out to be Satan. YANBU but unfortunately she is very unlikely to change, if anything she will get worse as she gets older.

YANBU. Call her out every time and see her very little.

I'd very much call her out on it. It sounds like she has had an empathy bypass.

I've lost my lovely husband in March of this year and my mother earlier this month. If anyone tried to liken that to a separation 40 years previously then I just couldn't be responsible for my actions!

Unfortunately, this is probably very engrained behaviour from your mother and she won't change.

Call her out.

She probably won't change, in that she won't stop thinking these things, but she might think twice about saying them out loud. In her head she's explain it away as "oh i can't say ANYTHING in front of DD, she's so sensitive and sanctimonious". She'll probably say that directly to you, if she doesn't have the filter button in her head. But at least you won't have to listen to it.

And MAYBE, if she she isn't a total narcissist (and I do think there are degrees of these things) holding back on saying something out loud might result in a tiny drip of "maybe I am being a little unfair here". Probably not, as she's old and unlikely to change, but our brains are reprogrammable, even when elderly, so you never know.

Call her out. It’s unlikely to change her, but it may lessen your desire to punch a hole in the wall.

I would. Tell her she needs to let people have a moment and not always make it about herself.

Very true @Beachdrift 😂

Sadly that’s going to be challenging !

This. She’ll never acknowledge any wrongdoing and she’ll always be the victim and get worse as she gets older. Mine is the same. I finally went NC at the age of 55, wish I had t wasted so much of my life forgiving her and hoping she would change

Me too, I went NC and wish I had done it sooner. It was when I had a child and realised that she was starting to do to my child what she'd done to me and my siblings that I realised that the cycle had to be broken. So many reasons why, I'd be typing all day if I started to go into it. I'm glad you went NC and hope you have found some peace.

I know these types of people. My MIL is a world champion at back stabbing negativity and put downs.

Never has a good word to say about anyone and everyone is always wrong. She still seems utterly bemused by the fact that nobody wants to spend any time with her!

If it helps you can see this as low self esteem. She feels less important than the women she mentions. So she deals with that by putting them down. It’s pretty obnoxious but if you want to see her then understanding that might help.

You can call her out. I would. If she’s anything like my mum she’ll then accuse you of bullying her.

Totally understand why you have called her out - totally justified with those remarks.

but I don’t think I would actually call her out on any further comments - as I think it’s a waste of your breath and energy as she’ll just go into ‘poor me’ mode.

i would be distancing myself from her as I couldn’t bare to listen to such awfulness and couldn’t bare to be around someone who is so unfeeling.

just couldn’t waste my time or energy on someone who holds everyone else in such low regard.