Am I being unreasonable for no longer attending parties of people who have not made any effort to spend any time with me in six months?
I have been a people pleaser in the past, always the person who people came to with problems. Often finding I was completely alone or judged, when I needed help or someone to lean on. This was very clear when I badly damaged my back a couple of years ago and literally no one even called in to see me. From this, I made a mental note to change a couple of things.
During the time I had my accident, a person I'd been friends with for about 20 years practically dragged me out of bed to go on her birthday night out. She never once asked how I was or if I need anything, while in hospital. I'd been out of hospital a week and explained I was in a lot of pain, but she guilt tripped me and I didn't have the energy to fight. I ended up back in hospital a week later and didn't hear from her. From this, I turned a corner in regards to other people.
We've not been as close since then and on the occasion I do suggest meeting up, she can never make it. Only if she has something going on in life that she wants to vent about. In the last 9 months, I've seen her once. She's always too busy to meet as her life is good at the moment, but she does invite me to her birthday, her daughters birthday, her housewarming, basically anywhere she can be the host with the most and wangle a gift.
I've suggested meet ups a little before each party, each one she goes radio silent the day before and doesn't show, so I don't attend the party. This pattern has repeated 3 times now. In fact, the last time I seen her was at her dads retirement party, but when she was invited to my birthday do a month later, she couldn't come because she had a cold but went away with her friends 2 days later.
I recently got invited to a party from an ex work colleague I had a friendship with, when I moved jobs I made the effort to keep in touch but again, the only time I actually did see her was when she needed help at a fundraising event she was running, the deal was free labour but lunch paid for. I'm still waiting for the free lunch. She has ignored me in recent months when I've suggested meet ups, only phoning me to complain about work. We were going to meet up a few weeks ago, but she went camping instead, cancelling the morning of.
It was her birthday this weekend and I didn't attend her party. We haven't seen each other in nearly a year, nor has she made any effort to see one another, unless she's having help and support. I contacted her and declined the offer to attend her party, with her contacting me back to tell me how disappointed she was, as she expected me to be there. I didn't explain myself further. She then contacted again to say she was having a bad time in my old workplace and felt I would relate. I said I was available for a call but couldn't meet, she didn't respond.
I've been in perimenopause for around 2 years and was in a really bad place to begin with. I reached out to friends id always been there for and was met with silence. This actually broke my heart and made me feel really paranoid. I've since then stopped being overly available and made mental notes about those who don't pour back but expect to deplete my cup.
I recently told my son about this and he said I was being mean not attending birthdays etc of said people, but am I really unreasonable not to attend and buy gifts for people who can't be bothered to see me, unless it's about them getting a gift and a fuss out of it? I feel it's a boundary I have put in place. Only reach out when you need something, with no effort to keep in touch otherwise, means I don't attend parties or drop everything to be there when you expect me to be.