What do I do with this?!

[Sad43]

Husband has ED - 8 years age gap. I’m 43, he’s 51.
Not had sex for 4 years, tried but he can’t get it up and now doesn’t even try.
He won’t discuss it, I suspect more recently the bp medication he’s on has made it a permanent issue

We had lots of sex before getting married even though he worked in another country but was around every weekend, we got married and it just dwindled. I blamed it on pressure to perform because we wanted kids so the weekend I was ovulating and he was around felt forced rather than for pleasure.

I must be very fertile because the odd occasion we managed to I got pregnant and 3 kids later with 2 in primary school, we don’t have sex.

he tries to carry on as normal, having conversations but I honestly now can’t stand him! I’m angry he is putting me in this situation where I’m thinking of cheating all the time,
I’ve asked for a divorce but he begs and promises to change and make more of an effort. , my kids are amazing and they don’t deserve to have their lives disrupted because of lack of sex. Do people divorce due to this? He comes up to bed much later after I’m asleep.
I’m so angry and I’m so sad, I can’t have an open marriage, I don’t know the first step about separating from someone who doesn’t want to. I feel it’s so unfair as life would be otherwise perfect if he made a little effort at emotional connection but he won’t.
AIBU that I really don’t know what to do?

Open marriage ?

She literally says in the OP she can’t have an open marriage.

Has he consulted a GP? Tried medication? Have you both tried other forms of intimacy? ED doesn't have to be the end of the road. Plenty of fun can be had without PIV. You do have to talk about it openly though, and open to exploring.

Has he actually seen a doctor about this OP? ED can be caused by many things, and he really needs to find out what's causing it, even if ultimately he still doesn't want sex.

If he refuses to do this, I would be tempted to tell him that you plan on having sex elsewhere, as he's not making any effort to keep you happy and satisfied, Bearing in mind that you're already thinking about divorce, being unfaithful will likely change his mind about separating.

Also, you don't have to be in agreement in order to get a divorce, you can file for divorce and still continue to live in the same house if necessary. Why not make an appointment with a solicitor and get some advice on how to go about this, at least then you are armed with proper information.

Viagra seems an obvious option to try - would he be open to it? And/or substituting toys? The reality is that he probably can't just "change" on his own.

He’s tried viagra and something else, that worked for a bit but with the bp meds it doesn’t seem to work anymore. He just says he doesn’t get the urge to do it anymore.
saw the gp, did tests and all ok.

He doesn’t try to do other things and seems to have just resigned himself to it. Like he knows he has me where he wants me and just won’t make an effort if I try to talk about it with him.
unless I get angry then he starts to beg and promises to make more of an effort but then nothing changes, I’ve told him I’ll cheat and he just won’t say anything to that.

I have a friend who had a very similar issue. Turns out he had a porn addiction.

Obviously I have no idea if that’s the case with your DP but might be worth considering?

If not, I feel for him. It must be awful to know that a relationship is on the brink of collapse due to something he can’t control.

Not easy for you either. I totally agree understand how a lack of intimacy would leave you feeling unhappy and unfulfilled.

If he’s a good partner in all other ways you just have to weigh it up and decide if it’s something you prioritise over everything else.