My 4 year old son can only fall asleep in my arms or on me

[4yro]

I am really trying to change this, but it’s just not working. He just won’t sleep unless I’m cuddling him/ or he’s lying on me. He just never got used to sleeping on his own. He’d cry until throwing up when he was between 1 and 2 if I left him.

any advice ?

Gradual retreat. Look up Sarah Stockwell. Don’t panic.

I’ve been trying to just be in a different part of the bed but he just cries and won’t sleep. I’ve also tried sitting on the bed. But he just wants me to cuddle and hold him or he wants to lie on me.

I started telling mine at this age that I needed the toilet and would be back in a minute. Gradually over time stretched it out until they started falling asleep on their own.

I hope you find something that works. Mine's 10 now and still tries to velcro me at bedtime 🤬🤣

Could you put a pillowcase on yourself so he’s falling asleep with his cheek against that?
Then add a thin sheet of foam inside, next week,
a slightly thicker one the week after,

then the following week start to slide your body away a little as he drifts off, while still keeping a hand firmly on him, patting and reassuring him if necessary.
The following week, encourage him to fetch the pillow, and cuddle in, and do the same slide away, patting.
Encourage him to fetch the pillow and settle while you dawdle for a couple of seconds, and then cuddle up, and slide away
Encourage him to fetch the pillow, and settle beside him, and if he cuddles in let him, but don’t initiate it.
Introduce a new lovely/soft toy to hold, and continue as before
Introduce other changes to bedtime routine like a new book, and sit beside him to better angle the pictures towards him.
Keep tweaking in very small increments.

If it’s just the falling asleep part that’s hard I honestly wouldn’t worry at this point, many 4 year olds still need support getting to sleep. Mine likes a little spoon to fall asleep!

Is he getting enough hugs throughout the day. I’d start my saying that he is a big boy now and he’ll get more hugs in the day if he tries to fall asleep while you sit beside him.

You may just have to tough it out, and if he cries, so be it Gradually move away. Everyte you cuddle him, you’re ‘rewarding’ his crying. He knows if he cries, mummy will hug him.

woukd he respond to a star chart. Every time you sit on a chair and not the bed, he gets a star, and when he has ten he gets a McDonald’s etc.

I would really recommend to you the Facebook group The Beyond Sleep Training Project which is full of cosleeping families and can help you troubleshoot any possible underlying issues (allergies making him uncomfortable at bedtime? Does he mouth breathe or get a sweaty head - both common in apnea which would need medical intervention? Etc.) and then gradually habit stack some changes to help him settle more easily with less input from you.

Our eldest was a limpet at that age and now sleeps alone all night, it can change!

Just let him. I spent years fighting my kids and eventually they just grew out of needing to be cuddled to sleep. Now I wish i’d just enjoyed the snuggles rather than constantly trying to train them to go to sleep on their own.

i know this is easier said in hindsight x

Do you have a partner who can do bedtimes?

yeah, but is this because he’s now 25?

Can you try other nervous system soothing techniques like wrapping him tightly, like you might have done when he was a baby?

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OslPSStPwrE

Doesn't have to be exactly like this but we used to be tucked in at night with sheets and blankets, tightly tucked.. it calms our bodies!!

Humming or chanting to him.. Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Se So Hung by Snatam Kaur can be really calming.

He is still little.. but you will find ways to help him unwind, feel safe and drift off to sleep....

Mothers of younger children-please read this and act now!
They won’t just grow out of these habits!

You could try a weighted blanket? Some kids need deep tissue pressure and it's supposed to be good for anxiety and promoting sleep. You can remove the blanket and cover him with his duvet once asleep.

At 4 years old just talk to him. Whatever your reason is for stopping. Mummy's back hurts when you're going to sleep like that so instead I'm going to sit on the floor next to your bed until you fall asleep (or whatever you want to do). I also second popping to the toilet as if he falls asleep while you're gone it's teaching him to go to sleep on his own.

My son was still falling asleep on top of me and getting transferred to his bed this time last year. He now goes to sleep independently on a night in his own bed while I lie on the floor nearby. It took an hour the first night, then a bit less and now only takes 5-10 mins. Just keep going with it.

He might still have a subconscious memory of crying alone until he vomited as a baby which is going to make the whole experience of going to sleep a bit scary.

At that age, I'd put a guided meditation on and a projector and stroke DD's back until she fell asleep. When she was 5 I started gradually lying slightly apart from her and then leaving the room but coming straight back if she called for me, until she felt safe to fall asleep by herself.

She's 6 now, still has the meditation and the projector after we've read to her and she's had 20 minutes or so to read by herself, and she goes to sleep on her own.

No, you're teaching him that if he's distressed his Mum will give him comfort. Is that not exactly what you want to teach your child? He's 4 ffs.

How long does he take to drop off to sleep? If it's not ages I'd just go with it,he's only little still.

Or just tell him no, perhaps?

Same here. The years of snuggles are so short. My 4 year old still wants me to cuddle him to sleep, my 6 year old is fine for me to just be in the room with him or sat on the bed. Things change.

OP- if you were wanting to make a change gently I’d probably start with cuddling him til he’s very nearly asleep then try lying him down. He will no doubt protest and want more cuddles. Cuddle him back to sleep and try again. Over time slowly start getting him used to lying down next to you just before he falls asleep. Then slowly transition towards you snuggling him and eventually sitting in bed with him rubbing his back or similar.