He does nothing and I don’t know how to deal with this?

[Usraslma1010]

Me and ex have demanding jobs in the sense that you are expected to work outside of hours and progress etc. We are in different industries.

I have taken a step back in terms of pay in order to do nursery runs. I also took a job with more flexibility which pays around 25k less a year though at the moment I do still have take home pay of around 4.5k.

Ex pays maintenance as he never has ds overnight, his choice, he can’t with work apparently…. He is work obsessed and that comes before everything.

Anyway getting to the point… he sees her 12-7 every other Saturday and sometimes more if he can. He is constantly agreeing to overseas trips and conferences so says he can’t commit to more than that.

I just feel so angry. Before anyone criticises me for that, of course I love parenting ds (mostly!) but I feel penalised for being female. He gets to pursue his career and dip in and out of parenting when it suits with zero actual responsibility (all his time with him is fun stuff never things like dentist or doctor or bath time and so on).

It feels so unfair and I spend more time than I should being angry about it. I KNOW I’m only hurting myself in feeling like that and nothing can make him change. But running and home and doing every little last bit of parenting while making all the sacrifices career wise feels shit. And on top of that he has absolutely no idea how relentless it is as he’s quite literally never done it. So there’s no actual recognition from him.

I have said plenty of times that he should take parental leave to spend more time with him, he refuses even though he can afford it. He offers to pay for holidays for us which I’ve taken him up on as he can afford it and I feel I do hundreds of hours of labour on his behalf for free. But I just can’t shake the frustration and anger.

I think it’s recently got worse as ds thinks ex is brilliant, I get that, he’s his dad and he’s very fun and engaged for the snippets of time he’s with ds. But it hurts. I’m not jealous of that exactly but it again feels so unfair. I always support their relationship as I know it’s important to ds as he grows but I just feel totally taken the piss out of that society allows this to happen.

I know I could go to conferences and leave ds with a childminder or nanny but I don’t think that’s a realistic answer. Why do I feel the moral and instinctive need to parent but he doesn’t? Why can he so easily get away with it. Just having a moan really. Very fed up.

Hard and hugely unfair. Try and let go of the anger. I dealt with it by just leaning into the parenting joy. And, when some work thing is super important, get a nanny or other help and go for it. Your ex is the one losing out - on a source of huge joy and connection. As for your DC - kids grow up to understand who showed up for them. Make memories with your DC and enjoy those holidays at your ex-es expense.

This will have a huge impact on your finances for the rest of your life, of course you're angry. You really will have to focus on the great relationship you're building with him, and grit your teeth when your son tells you for the next 15 years how much he loves his dad and being with him is so much better than being with boring old mum.

@LockdownLisa @whyohwhyisitalwayswet

thanks for replying. It helps to even talk about it. I’m just so bitter and I really was nothing like this pre- ex. I was a bubbly and positive person and now I feel hard done by so much of the time that I hate it, I hate how I have become

I do understand. My ex has a huge chip on his shoulder, workaholic too, earns much more and thinks his time is so much more precious than mine. I had to have a court order in place to make sure we had clear arrangements, and that he had to do his part. Otherwise he would never confirm plans and even if he did, he'd change it last minute etc. I could never commit to any work travel at all back then. You might want to get a CAO in place to put some boundaries around this.

@whyohwhyisitalwayswet I think if I went down that route he would say his work was unpredictable (which it can be), he certainty wouldn’t agree to overnights or anything like that.

Yes mine 100% feels his time is more precious and his job more important. I feel exhausted most of the time communicating with him

I am super irritated just reading that never mind having to live it. I’m sorry he’s such a tool.

Your DS may think his dad is brilliant now but he will grow up to realise that he is unreliable and half-arsed. I remember my mum having similar grumbles when I was a kid (mostly kept to herself but occasionally the resentment would bubble over) and now as an adult I am very close to my mum but low contact with my dad, and when my dad gives himself a pat on the back for a job well done remind him that we turned out how we did thanks to our mum and not him!!

How old are your DC? If his work is unpredictable, he will just need to arrange care (family? nanny?) for when he is called away. That's what single parents with demanding jobs do. Ofcourse if the kids are very young, I get why you wouldn't want that.

It is crap but what you will get out of this is a loving solid relationship with your child who when they are older will remember who was there for them and who wasn’t.

Don’t slate your ex to your child either whilst it’s galling that Disney dad gets top billing remind yourself you are your ds support network. The two of you are a family.

it not really societal expectations though- probably female genetic / hormones? What did you agree when you decided to have children? Were you going to take a step back from your career anyway?

it isba real shame your ex doesn’t want you spend more time with him. However, seems like you can afford childcare when you need to focus on other things such as work or socialising etc

When you son reads a CAO, in the future, and realises his father couldn’t be arsed to try and work his employment around his child, but expected you to, he might wake up. Sometimes it takes a long time.

This drove me absolutely nuts. The motherhood penalty was crucifying and there were times I was so exhausted doing everything on my own. Never saw a rent cent in child support either.

The only solution for me was to get my head around it and suck it up, because the anger inside me was like drinking poison.

I chose to become a fabulous Warrior Woman, hold my head high and channel my inner Viking. Raising kids is really fucking hard.

You're dealing with a self-centred arsehole Disney Dad who has absolutely no intention of ever stepping up to the parenting plate.

Sending solidarity your way.

This is very difficult and highlights the difference we tend to face as women in the parenting role. Most of us would not want to be the 'every other Saturday' type parent but it's also unfair that that parent, inevitably the man, does purely the fun parenting and we also take the salary hit for doing the hard stuff.

I think I understand from your post that you've dropped pay but are still taking home a decent amount (4.5k? A month? Is that correct?). I am torn between saying focus on all of the good and what you do have and then ignore the fucker as much as possible because it's him that's missing out in a proper relationship with his child and actually you sound like you are in an alright position and should enjoy it and also tap him up for everything you can, versus wanting to open a bottle of wine and shout at him. I don't know if either position is helpful but I hope you know your little one will appreciate you once they're much older, old enough to understand.

Thank you for the posts! I didn’t expect so many.

@Sicario what really makes me mad inside is that he doesn’t think he’s a half arsed dad (at best). He truly thinks he’s great because he throws in extra money over the bare minimum of cms. That’s genuinely how he sees himself. He has no idea whatsoever what is involved in raising a child and it’s mentally hard for me to cope with that especially when ds increasingly thinks he’s so great

Classic. His money counts for more than your effort and professional sacrifice!!Do we have the same ex?? My ex even rants to my DS about how much he pays and for what. My son has stopped listening. Thankfully he knows that having a mum who does homework with him, and keeps him well fed and looked after, is more important than money.

How old was your dc when you split with your exdp?

@ShorterMumma 2 months. Ds obviously has no memory of him ever living in our house

@Usraslma1010 I voted YABU because if neither of you were prepared to put your career on hold then why have a child in the first place?

Even if you were together, one of you would have still have had to pause the career. You wouldn't both cut your hours.

Why not be super assertive and TELL him he is having his child Saturday 12pm until Sunday 7pm every other weekend?

Hold your head up high, you're the better person by a country mile, even if it feels like you have no choice. A couple of my friends have gone through this and as the kids have grown they've realised as much fun as dad is, mum is where the love is. Your ex is the one who is truly missing out.

@SunnyRedSnail i am assertive. Probably too much so. It makes no difference, his job comes first.

So if you told him this, dropped child off at 12pm Saturday with a bag of stuff then didn't pick him up, what would happen?

In ahead of me, articulating what DS will understand when he is older 🙂

Sure, he will have some happy memories of his time with his Dad. He will also have a much stronger sense that it was his Mum @Usraslma1010 who was there for him consistently, without fail. There will be happy memories of times with his Mum because of the effort she put in every day with him.

@SunnyRedSnail he would drop ds off again with me or leave him elsewhere, with a friend. If he had to work that is. And actually he would probably run outside and drive off if I turned up with ds so i actually couldn’t leave him there at all.

Sympathy OP.

But the reality is he is unlikely to ever change. So you need to work with what you have. Take every extra penny he offers. Use it to pay for childcare in the evenings so you can get a break. Or for a cleaner or for ready meals. Therapy if you feel that would help you.

You're really in the tough part right now. But you are doing an amazing job. And when DS grows up, you will have an amazing bond with him that will be far superior to whatever bond he has with his dad.

Gingerbread is the charity for single parents. It might be worth reaching out so you can speak to people who are going through exactly the same thing and understand exactly how you are feeling.

Unfortunately there's nothing to stop him being "out", leaving child sitting on the doorstep. And yes, I bet he would do that.

XP never volunteers what time he's bringing the DC back in the holidays. I have to ask him every time....every. single. time. For ten years. So once I decided to call his bluff. I went to a party the night before about 20 minutes drive from home, and stayed over. I thought "Spending 20 minutes waiting outside the house might finally teach him some consideration for my time!"

He dumped the DC on the doorstep and drove off. They were 12 and 7. (Luckily DS1 knew how to let them into the house).

He's in my phone as "Useless Twat".