AIBU to expect family to respect that working from home is work?

[WFHisWork]

Why do some people just not get it that working from home IS working ????

DH wfh, I work PT. We live near MIL / SIL. MIL is unwell and SIL keeps asking dh to take her to appts or to go and help during the week - but he’s working !
He uses his lunch hour to do the school pick up , they keep questioning why cant I do it as I work mornings to free him up to help MIL ?

I work 8-12 every day Mon - Fri , I don’t drive which Is why I don’t do the school run also I’m exhausted (have a few health issues that leave me very anaemic).

They keep saying dh is at home full time and that he needs to step up but he’s working !!!!! I’m so frustrated that they don’t seem to get it !

I mean you literally just need to tell them what you've said here? Well DH does.
Could he help MIL in the evening sometimes instead?

No point in being frustrated if they're wilfully ignoring your reasons.

Just keep repeating and grey rocking.

Some people seem to think that wfh automatically means you have flexible hours. You see it on here a lot. I wfh but there is no flexibility at all. I need to work the hours I’m contracted and I can’t just stop even for ten minutes.

I’ve found a lot of older family members (retired pre-2020) don’t seem to understand wfh IS working. I’ve tried to explain but I just think they don’t quite believe it.

Keep repeating "He's working." and make sure his phone is muted (and yours tbh).

If they keep on, ask them how they'd like to pay your mortgage and bills while DH acts as a taxi - cash or bank transfer?

If MIL is that unwell she needs to consider paying for carers to help her.

But a lot of us do. My child wfh and i respect that. They have the flexibility to log off for a while sometimes.

I cannot leave the house without help so we discuss what days they may be free to take me to a health appointment and I make the appointments to fit child's work schedule.

I won't even go into their office ( formally known as the small bedroom) when they are working.

in the opening posters case it seems it's not the older parent who is being demanding, it's their daughter.

so I'm not sure why you feel it's a problem with some older people.

Is SIL having to do it all otherwise and is she working?

So who is taking her, is it Sil?
If so she’s probably fed up with being the one always doing it.
Why is mil having appointments, I assume medical? So how ill is she, does she need someone with her?

My mum is like this with my brother. Doesn’t understand how he can’t come to the door if he’s in a meeting and why he can’t take long personal calls when he’s working. Drives him up the wall. I wfh some days and I’m so glad I live an hour away so she can’t just turn up at my door and expect the same.

Ok two things. How ill is MIL if she is so ill she or someone could apply for carers or attendance allowance on her behalf and could she maybe use this for taxis. Why does MIL need so many appointments and are they all medical appointments or is she making hairdressers appointments etc and just expecting you all to drop everything. What does SIL and her partner do if she has one and do they both work FT. Your DH needs to speak to SIL (I wouldn’t get involved).

This is not your problem to sort out. It's his - his mother, his sister. Let him deal with them!

I wondered this.

Her asking her brother to take some of the load doesn't mean she doesn't understand the WFH deal, but just wants him to step up.

I'm an oldie and have been retired for many years. My DIL works from home and I understand completely. If I contact my DS or DIL I do it in the evenings/weekends. I would never even think of expecting either of them to help me during working hours. To my mind it is not an age thing it is not wanting to understand.

Why is all the responsibility defaulting to SIL though? Can't DH maybe help fund taxis or similar??

If sil can’t do it then there are taxis and patient transport service. Sil shouldn’t expect DH to change work because she would prefer the personal family touch

I used to have a neighbour like this. I made the mistake of helping her with a benefit form and she took to coming around "for a chat" a couple of afternoons a week when I was working at home. She did not understand the concept that work still has to be done at some time, even if you don't sit there from 9-5. The only way to get rid was to tell her the uni had a new rule that we all had to go into the office. Fortunately she lived in the next street so I could access my house without passing hers. She did try knocking a couple of times on the off chance but by then I had invested in a ring type door bell and saw who it was,

No good deed goes unpunished.

I suppose my experience happens to be with older people (and I’m a bit sore from my MIL’s incredulity that I had a child in nursery even though I was working from home), but I do appreciate it’s not just older people and my comment probably did come off as rather ageist, which was not my intention.

This.

You're right they shouldn't expect he can drop everything just because he is WFH. But all too often women do juggle work to care for relatives/take to appts etc while men will just say no, can't, working. SIL may have a point if MIL can't go independently and SIL has her own life and commitments to juggle. What would happen to MIL appointments when SIL is not available?

Yes I can see how that would sting.

Pre-covid at my work it would have been a disciplinary matter to be caught looking after children while working if the children were younger than late primary. It was an absolute no. Your MIL was so wrong it's hard to know where to start.

I understand. I WFH and often travel to stay with my mum (about once a month for a week). It’s a perk and I’m really glad I can do it. But she doesn’t understand that I’m working and interrupts me all the time, gets annoyed that I have to work later… and when I tell her I’m working it’s always “sorting on your arse in front of a computer is not work” argh!!!!

i agree WFH is still working, but if MIL needs taking to appointments, then it shouldn’t be 100% the responsibility of her daughter. It needs to be shared reasonably.

Then they should use taxis or patient transport. I WFH occasionally but can't just take time off to take my elderly mum to appointments, I still have to book leave, same as I would if I was in the office, and it isn't always approved.