AIBU to feel stuck between my mum and sister?

[Plinkingon]

Looking for advice on how to cope with mum and sister’s strained relationship. Growing up I’d always felt that as a family we were very close knit, but the relationship between my mum and sister (late 20s) seems to have spiralled over the last 5 ish years, but I am still very close to both of them individually resulting in me feeling stuck between them as it feels like I’m observing a repeating pattern that I can’t seem to be able to stop.

Most of the time I can see both sides of a situation and understand why both of them react, but neither of them are great at reacting in a healthy or constructive way and both have been know to ‘explode’ and say something cruel to get a reaction. They seem to now be stuck in a loop where DSis is minimising visits to be as short as possible, but whilst acting as though the relationship is now fine, so DM doesn’t realise DSis’s feelings and so doesn’t understand why she is seemingly so reluctant to spend extended periods as a family and has occasionally lashed out with some unthinking comments which cannot be unsaid, meaning DSis spends less time as a family, so DM reacts etc etc. For the record I completely understand DSis’s reaction to minimise time with DM in response to these comments, however in the first instance when this started to happen several years ago, it seemed to come from a place of being out of uni and ‘having more interesting things to do’ resulting in DM feeling forgotten about, but it has now moved on from that into something bigger. Neither of them are ‘innocent’ of saying hurtful things to the other, but I do know they both really love each other too.

Apologies for the rambling post, but mainly looking for advice on how to cope with clashing family members when your own individual relationships with them are good, as I try not to get involved and risk my own relationships with DM and DSis but we’re a family so it’s hard to separate these undercurrents from my own relationships with them when trying to have family get togethers etc. I just wish it was easier to have all the people I love get along and have a nice time together.

Hopeful bump?

That sounds really hard but I think you have to cultivate separate relationships with each of them and don't get drawn in to their drama. If they try and draw you in you tell them that you don't want to be involved.

Is there anyone else in the family? Dad, siblings?

Thank you! DSis is my only sibling and DF feels much the same as me, if anything in a harder position because DSis withdrawing from DM means he sees less of her too.

Most of the time seeing them separately works well, but it’s when it comes to organising special occasions, that it proves difficult not to be involved as I (and DM) want everyone together but DSis either refuses to come, preferring to spend them with her DH’s family or comes but will stay for less than 24 hours (they live a 3 hour drive away so need to stay over), which somewhat puts a dampener on the event for all of us!

@WonsWoo

You need to respect your sister's choices and recognise that they have the relationship they have, she and your mother. Your desire for them to get on better is based on what you want for special occasions. I think you just need to accept that these will not happen in the way you would prefer.

From what you've said, it sounds like your mum is driving this and has driven the tone of the relationship, which your sister has then learned and is now mirroring. I don't think a parent being narky with a young adult because they're busy and have other things going on, is very constructive and now it's backfired and instead of looking at her own behavior she is doubling down.

I think it's going to be very hard for you to change their behaviour. You might need to accept that you see them separately. You could suggest family therapy otherwise

You’ve said that “DM doesn’t realise DSis’s feelings and so doesn’t understand why she is seemingly so reluctant to spend extended periods as a family…” you have a choice either leave things as they are or simply explain to your mother what the problem is (perhaps with help from your father). Your mother then either takes that information on board and addresses the problems or she doesn’t and things continue as before. Her choice.

Thank you all. You’ve given me some food for thought and think I may just have to accept this is the way they are.

You need to see both of thrm separately. And stay out of whatever’s going on between them as otherwise it will get twisted one day and you will get blamed.

family dynamics are hard. I’m no contact ,very low contact with all of my siblings and parents.