Any other mums feel this way?

[Parkwoes]

I have 2 kids, 3 and nearly 6.

I hear everyone talking so much about ‘seasons’ but it feels like I’m still stuck in the same season as 5 years ago.

My sleep is rubbish. The kids fights constantly. Life is one long slog of cleaning up all the shitty mess, making meals that get thrown around, housework and stopping them from fighting and screaming 24/7

I’m disabled and have a demanding job. I’m so fucking burned out. Every day is the same. I wake up with a sick dread feeling at having to go through it all for the 2000th time.

Feels like things will never improve, they’ll never sleep properly or stop fighting as much or need less from me.

I’m already on SSRIs I’m just not really cut out for this. I just crave some peace, excitement and adult engagement. I barely recognise myself

Sorry that should say nearly 7, not nearly 6.

Do you have anyone helping you partner, parents friends. Its a lot

DH is here and we are equal coparents but it’s not enough. I’m sorry if that sounds weak or pathetic. I’m just desperate for fucking sleep and for everyone to leave me alone. Even if he gets up with them (we take it in turns) their screaming and running around the house means I can’t go back to sleep. I feel so raw all the time.

Its not weak and pathetic at all being a mum is hard. Another year and they will be both in school and it will get a lot easier. 3 year olds are brutal

Can you describe what the sleep issues are?

Youngest drops off by 8 but is awake by latest 6am, every single day.

Oldest forces herself to stay awake as late as possible every single night and never ever drops off before 9pm.

One of them usually wakes once in the night. Sometimes it’s just a cough but my sleep is so destroyed and I’m so on edge all the time my heart starts hammering and I can’t go back to sleep for an hour.

My disability wakes me up most nights as well.

I realise everyone will go ‘that’s 9 hours they’re asleep’ but this is also my time to catch up on work, reset the house, do lunchbox etc - it’s not as easy as ‘sleep when they sleep’ and I find it very hard to fall asleep anyway

Are you meds helping at all with the anxiety because there are plenty of different types

I'm far from knowledgeable about dealing with two about those ages, but three things strike me as important to making progress:

1. Try and do more when they're awake. I know that can be tricky, but you'll gain a lot by being able to actually sleep in the time they can sleep.
2. Divide and conquer with your partner/wider family if your disability allows it. Even just once a month where one of you takes them out for the day and the other gets on with things/works/rests.
3. The odd night in a basic Travelodge near the house so I can sleep properly is worth half a dozen spa days. You can book nights from as little as £30 quite easily. Could you do this to recharge every so often?

They are tough ages, nearly 7 is getting independent and stronger willed, 3 is still needing lots of support.They don't have much common ground.

I would say our sweet spot was from youngest 5 and oldest 7(so you are nearly there!) for a couple years. Both more independent, similar interests, play well together. Now at 8 and 10 they argue more plus homework battles, but otherwise quite easy.

My thoughts

• try and align their bedtimes - so then you actually get an evening. Oldest can have something like an echo dot - plays them stories, calm music etc on voice command, so say have to be in bed by 8, but can use this or read quietly.
• let them argue sometimes - don't feel you have to get involved
• have some time out - see friends, do a class, see a movie on your own

It sounds like a lot of the problem with sleep is you not them, which is probably why it doesn't feel like the season is passing for you as it does for other people. Are you under regular medical care for the issues related to your disability? Whether you are or not I think you need to speak to a doctor about addressing your own sleep issues.

Poor sleep is torture. Could you look at sleeping pills of some sort from the gp? I think if you are struggling this much and dh can get back to sleep more easily maybe he can do the nights for a bit. Also, give the nighttime waking less attention. For the dd who stays up late, put her to bed and ignore her if she's awake, just keep putting her back if she comes out.

Are you letting the oldest stay up until 9??

So many sympathies OP, sounds like youre so chronically stressed from so much demands that your sleep will definitely be bad. I know everything seems insurmountable now but can you focus on thst one thing, the sleep? Get that sorted and literally everything is like a weight lifted.

Prescription melatonin maybe? Valerian tea every evening and camomile. Go to the GP and explain the sleep issues.

Of course not

FFS read my OP

This sounds so strongly to me like burnout.

What makes it clear is how you wake up with the anticipation/dread. Youre likely stuck in fight or flight mode and need to seek support.

You are going to absolutely have to prioritise sleep, you need to find a way. Chronic lack of sleep is going to keep you in this state.

As you physically recover from the burnout, things will get easier but you will also need to address the mental load and outlook side.

Im trying to be brief but just want you to know you can recover. I am going through the same thing, and I dont have anger or resentment but it has hugely triggered my anxiety and made everything just feel unbearable. You can recover but it takes comprehensive work.

One if my sons is ADHD and goes to bed later than an NT kid despite lots of good food and exercise, and we have 2 other kids too. Ive had to leave him to it in the evenings and go to bed at around 8 because I just need to get through this. Ive got depleted vitamins and iron too and that contributes to the fatigue that contributes to the not coping.

I really hope things get better for you soon xx

Even if your oldest doesn’t fall asleep til 9, you should be sending her to bed at 7:30 and telling her that you expect silent play or reading til she falls asleep.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You're not unreasonable at all.

In all honesty though, I don't think it's the children's sleep that is the problem, it's the work and housework that you have to do while they're asleep.

What is your work situation? Is the 3yo in nursery? Is the 7yo in after school club? And can you increase either of these things to give yourself a break?

I do!!!!!!

Yeah I have. read it and all your posts. It's not in the OP but you mention in another post she forces herself to stay awake until 9. Is that in her room quiet time or are you letting her stay up? if you have mentioned that then i apologise as i can't see it.

Yes in her room

Sorry am still very tired, when I say "leave him to it" I mean I leave my partner to deal with them from 7-8 onwards as I just need to rest, recover and reduce sensory input.