AIBU to start all over again?

[HeyThereDelilah1]

I’m 40 (soon to be 41) and have a 15 year old and a 12 year old, both boys. They are lovely kids but naturally getting older and pulling away to prioritise time with friends. I just feel sad it’s coming to a close so soon. We’re in a reasonable financial situation but will be paying for tuition fees in 3 years (hopefully) and still have a hefty mortgage, we both earn too much to qualify for 30 free hours too. We have a nice quality of life right now, holidays, dinners out, theatre trips etc - I’d be mad to start again wouldn’t? Heart really tugging for a lovely newborn and my husband happy either way but from a practical pov it would be an insane thing to do… wouldn’t it?

Yes it would.

It's your ovaries rattling. It's biological.

You sound like you have a fab life. Teenage kids about to launch....

You never know what life will bring....

You are right, I’m shocked by what a powerful yearning I feel for a baby right now though - it’s hit me out of nowhere. I guess biology is alive and well!

No chance in hell would i do this habing babies is not a hobby for me

I seem to be in the minority here but, I’d go for it ! There’s a huge gap with me & my siblings, I loved it growing up. I have such a close bond with my parents

I don’t have an opinion either way as I think it’s a really personal decision. How do you think your current children would feel about it?

It would be insane yes. And you might not get a ‘lovely newborn’ you might get secondary infertility and years of stress, or a newborn that doesn’t sleep, a child with severe health conditions etc.

@HeyThereDelilah1You only regret the things in life you didn’t do x

Its called peri menopause. I was so glad dh got the snip and it was off the table.

That’s just not true

I am a soon to be 41 year old mum of 2 under 2. I couldn't imagine adding teenagers to this chaos.

My mum had me at 40, she was well until she hit 80, then died at 87. She was well enough to still help me out with childcare. There's a 13 year age gap between me and my sister (half) it hasn't been an issue. So I wouldn't say it was insane. Just make sure that it's what you really want, school run, term time holiday and figure in ND (just in case). I'm having to do childcare for my DD, so I haven't got the free time that I thought I would. I wish I'd made more of my 40s. Only you can decide.

I’m approaching the big 4-0 soon and I’ll have a 13 & 14 year old. I cannot imagine starting all over again. I love being a mum and it’s the best job in the world but I’m also loving having so much more freedom again.
You couldn’t pay me to do Primary school drop offs and picks ups again haha.

Is part of this because you'd like a girl? It seems often to be the case.

Depends how old your DH is really. Similar age maybe ok, pushing 50-hell no.

Name changed just for you op.

Don't do it.

I decided to "start again" with a 14 year age gap and as much as I love my youngest I wish I hadn't had another.

I got no evening last night as he was fussing and whining and refusing to go to sleep, and he woke me up fussing and whining at 5am because his duvet didn't feel right. 😢😱😭 He's 7. 🤦

He was a fussy baby who barely slept, and I really "felt it" much more than I did with my older ones.

I have been more chilled this time round in terms of knowing how it quick it goes. But I'm tired, my body is fucked (didn't bounce back anywhere like after my older kids), and my finances also went down the pan.

Oh and dad decided actually he didn't fancy doing it all over again after all and fucked off. Which might not happen to you, but it's another thing realistically to weigh up. That something might happen that means you are doing it solo.

If you feel wistful like you still have love to pour into something/someone I recommend a cat or dog, or you could even do respite fostering or a volunteering role.

I know I'm being negative but it's such a taboo topic to say you regret having a child. I love my youngest just as much as my other dcs but he has a different mum to the one my older ones got, and it's definitely a decision I made with a romantic optimism of how it would be rather than weighing it up from the flip side of what the negatives would be.

Also, don't underestimate how much your big ones still need you. It's a different kind of need but it's there, and I also feel a lot of guilt that my older ones don't have my energy and attention as much as they would have had.

Hell no. I’m 50 now and the tiredness that kicked in this year is unprecedented, even with hrt. I’m counting the years till parenting is no longer required (3-5 years with a good wind) and Christ knows how I’d cope with a much younger one in the mix. Enjoy the hell out of your increasing freedom while you have the energy for it. You’ve done the parenting lark, there are lots more other things to do in life. The newborn cravings are just hormones, you’ll have all kinds of mad urges to come but don’t have to make them reality. Lots of people will say they had DC in 40s. My DBro is one and he’ll be well into his 60s before he’s out of it. He’s knackered. Honestly, enjoy your teens and come up with other fun stuff to look forward to.

It's such a hard choice OP. I didn't have a choice as such but I had an accidental pregnancy (contraceptive failure) with a 7 and 9yo already and it's been a dream! Absolutely no regrets but it has changed our lives significantly. I've had to go back to a part time, lower paid job to work around childcare, it's boring but suits what the kids need much better. DH and I are tired, the house is always messy, but baby is now 1 and has made all our lives so much better. The older kids are obsessed with them and it's just a delight to get to raise another child. Hope you can work out what you want, maybe make a 5/10/15 years time list to have a think of what the future will bring if you do/ don't have another?

You sound like you have an amazing life! A newborn feels like a mad idea! Do you have pets? We’ve always had cats but I noticed once my brother and I no longer needed mothering, mum turned her maternal instincts towards the cats. The 1980’s & 1990’s pets were allowed to come and go as they pleased even during the night the current incumbents are babied and mollycoddled!! They’re not allowed out after their tea at any time of year, during the winter they have to be in by mid afternoon etc etc. could a pet help soothe those maternal instincts?

Personally for me its a no...
Im not 40 yet but was just contemplating how i wouldnt have the patience for a small child now. When i am your age my dc will be 14/15.
I am also the same with large mortgage but holidays theatre nights out etc on balance for me I dont want to give up my lifestyle!! Biology is strong but I would be tempted to book a city break and forget about another baby!

I did. My oldest are 15 and 13 and my twins are 8 months. We all adore the babies and I love being a mum so much more this time round. We also tried a pet first but it didn’t hit the spot.

You don't know what the future will bring so no one can answer.

I was desperate for a third at 40. It didn't happen. 5 years later, the menopause hit and I was one who got affected in the absolute worse way, which seriously affected every aspect of my life. I'm so thankful it never happened. There is no way I could have coped with a young child.

My friend had two children at 41 and 43 and sailed through it.

Thanks everyone, this has been really useful and cathartic for me. In answer to the question about this being about having a girl; when I envisage the baby it’s a boy, for me I think it’s more about missing and wanting to relive the days of the boys being small and to be completely honest being the centre of their orbit, which is absolutely no longer the case!

My husband is 1 year older than me so not a huge age gap, but we’re definitely feeling more tired in evenings etc and tbh I’ve been imagining the pregnancy feeling similar to how it did in my 20s, which obviously won’t be the case. My younger son would be very excited by a baby, my older son much less thrilled. Realistically it would impact how much emotional / financial support I could offer through the GCSE / A-level / uni years and that’s probably the big deal breaker for me.

I am looking into becoming a consistent adult / friend to a child in the care system instead, I do feel like I have more to give but I don’t think a new baby is the answer. Thanks everyone 💙

@Dontstartagainop thank you for sharing this, really valuable to me and for its worth you sound like you’re doing an incredible job!