AIBU to seek coping strategies while staying in an abusive relationship?

[Requireshelp]

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm not looking for LTB advice, as I know I should but I'm not in a position to right now. We have a very high needs daughter and I can't do it by myself, 2 adults are needed a lot of the time. No family support. No proper gov/funded help. So it's just us more or less. My DH is very angry, is depressed (and I do try to empathise and help but he sees everyone as the problem, including me) is snappy, is moody a lot, and can go more or less silent for days. My nervous system can't handle taking on the weight of his needs, my daughter's, and my own which seem to be increasing as I'm terribly lonely and sad due to the circumstances. There's a load more to it but the back story isn't the point. I am where I am and what I need is some tips, help, advice from someone who has managed similar. How do I navigate being in this situation - one I can't leave right now, one I have to daily and regularly deal with his moods and tension etc - there's no escape so I need help to deal with it please. Thanks

There’s a support group on meet-up for spouses of diagnosed or undiagnosed autistic people.. not saying your husband is but a support group like this might help you? It’s people dealing with difficult relationships? It helped me over a hump.. look up the meet-up app

Sorry to hear this OP.

What’s the financial situation? Can you afford couples’ therapy - and would he go?

Since you must stay, all I can suggest is working really hard on the relationship and on supporting him to be a better partner. You shouldn’t have to, I know, but things are where they are. It sounds like he is extremely difficult to be around but not actively insulting, is that right? If he’s calling you names etc my advice might be different.

I am sure there will be people on here soon telling you to leave - it’s always so easy to say. But there truly are situations where that’s just not possible, and I believe you when you say you’re in one. I have a disabled child too and I can easily imagine how doing it solo is simply not an option.

Thank you so much for understanding. Financially I'm actually the main breadwinner and have actively been putting money aside for a while. Although it hasn't amounted to much and as you know, caring for a child with additional needs is expensive. Could afford couple's therapy and finally convinced him to go last year. It didn't go well. He doesn't see his actions as they are and/or what he does as issues. The therapist wanted me to come back solo so I could learn strategies to put up boundaries to not take on his moods. Needless to say therapy solved nothing and there's no way he'll go again.
Yes you nailed it - extremely difficult to be around but not actively insulting. I almost wish he would or do worse so it would be my line in the sand crossed. I know that sounds awful but he's not 'bad enough' for me to say I'm better off without him, but I'm constantly on eggshells and depleted.

Thank you I will look into that

OP, I resonate so strongly with your experience. It really is a 'one step in front of the other' game, one day at a time. Do you have an end-game, something you're working towards? It may sound feeble, but just knowing you're a good person, one who is trying to do the right thing long term irrespective of the spanners he throws in your works, and reminding yourself of this can go a long way. DC's dad sounds similar to yours, and I spend a lot of time each day thinking "Thank goodness I'm not as fucked up / mean-spirited / unkind as he is." It keeps me feeling grateful for literally everything and less overwhelmed by his shenanigans.

I'm so sorry you're in this position.

I know you don't get any decent state funded help. But might it be easier to get it if you were to disclose the abuse? Social services might be more inclined to help you. Perhaps it is worth asking on the SEN board to ask if anyone has any experience of that? Or speak with Women's Aid.