AIBU to seek coping strategies while staying in an abusive relationship?

[Requireshelp]

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm not looking for LTB advice, as I know I should but I'm not in a position to right now. We have a very high needs daughter and I can't do it by myself, 2 adults are needed a lot of the time. No family support. No proper gov/funded help. So it's just us more or less. My DH is very angry, is depressed (and I do try to empathise and help but he sees everyone as the problem, including me) is snappy, is moody a lot, and can go more or less silent for days. My nervous system can't handle taking on the weight of his needs, my daughter's, and my own which seem to be increasing as I'm terribly lonely and sad due to the circumstances. There's a load more to it but the back story isn't the point. I am where I am and what I need is some tips, help, advice from someone who has managed similar. How do I navigate being in this situation - one I can't leave right now, one I have to daily and regularly deal with his moods and tension etc - there's no escape so I need help to deal with it please. Thanks

There’s a support group on meet-up for spouses of diagnosed or undiagnosed autistic people.. not saying your husband is but a support group like this might help you? It’s people dealing with difficult relationships? It helped me over a hump.. look up the meet-up app

Sorry to hear this OP.

What’s the financial situation? Can you afford couples’ therapy - and would he go?

Since you must stay, all I can suggest is working really hard on the relationship and on supporting him to be a better partner. You shouldn’t have to, I know, but things are where they are. It sounds like he is extremely difficult to be around but not actively insulting, is that right? If he’s calling you names etc my advice might be different.

I am sure there will be people on here soon telling you to leave - it’s always so easy to say. But there truly are situations where that’s just not possible, and I believe you when you say you’re in one. I have a disabled child too and I can easily imagine how doing it solo is simply not an option.

Thank you so much for understanding. Financially I'm actually the main breadwinner and have actively been putting money aside for a while. Although it hasn't amounted to much and as you know, caring for a child with additional needs is expensive. Could afford couple's therapy and finally convinced him to go last year. It didn't go well. He doesn't see his actions as they are and/or what he does as issues. The therapist wanted me to come back solo so I could learn strategies to put up boundaries to not take on his moods. Needless to say therapy solved nothing and there's no way he'll go again.
Yes you nailed it - extremely difficult to be around but not actively insulting. I almost wish he would or do worse so it would be my line in the sand crossed. I know that sounds awful but he's not 'bad enough' for me to say I'm better off without him, but I'm constantly on eggshells and depleted.

Thank you I will look into that

OP, I resonate so strongly with your experience. It really is a 'one step in front of the other' game, one day at a time. Do you have an end-game, something you're working towards? It may sound feeble, but just knowing you're a good person, one who is trying to do the right thing long term irrespective of the spanners he throws in your works, and reminding yourself of this can go a long way. DC's dad sounds similar to yours, and I spend a lot of time each day thinking "Thank goodness I'm not as fucked up / mean-spirited / unkind as he is." It keeps me feeling grateful for literally everything and less overwhelmed by his shenanigans.

I'm so sorry you're in this position.

I know you don't get any decent state funded help. But might it be easier to get it if you were to disclose the abuse? Social services might be more inclined to help you. Perhaps it is worth asking on the SEN board to ask if anyone has any experience of that? Or speak with Women's Aid.

Thank you and so sorry to hear you're going through similar ❤️ I'm not exactly working towards something, moreso I'm trying to put money aside and hope one day things will be easier and he either changes (I know 🙄) or I'm in a position to get out. I do love him and feel so sad as well that he's sad. I will try that, thank you

Thanks for your response. On one hand I'm a bit scared what they would do if I told them and on the another a part of me feels it's hard to express what he's doing as it's not direct or obvious so I won't be believed or am making it into a big deal. I can't see a scenario in which getting out right now would be overall beneficial though either

Does he need to get help/medication for his depression in the first instance? Has he always been like this or has it been caused by having a child with many needs?

I find detaching yourself from his emotions helps. You are not responsible for his happiness / unhappiness. So if his angry you let him.If his unhappy, let him.

I know its hard but Dont get drawn in. I am not in an abusive relationship but my husband can be moody. Since i just shrug with his moods and outburst i find they occur less and less. His not getting the reaction from me. He also sees how stupid he is.

Take the kids for days out away from him when his particularly bad. He'll realise that life will go on without him. its up to him to sort himself out.

Sorry your going through this - it sounds like hell X

If you can't leave him physically, then you need to leave him mentally and emotionally.
Rather than thinking of him as your partner, try to reframe him as a colleague/house share partner who you avoid as much as you can, and when you're forced to interact, you keep it polite and distant. Start thinking if yourself as a single wonan who at the moment has to live with this man.
Stop being responsive to his emotional demands on you. Don't feel the need to understand or resolve. Make polite answers to his complaints, but try to keep it surface. Don't engage him other than on superficial practical matters.
Spend as much time away from him as you can. If its difficult to go out, be busy in another room. Have a reason to leave the room when he enters it. Emerse yourself in your child, a book, a hobby so he's just background noise.
Have zero expectations of any form of companionship, intimacy or support. Single woman remember! Live your life as far as possible as if you're free. Because in your mind, you are, and hopefully your body will one day follow. By which time it will be easier as you'll have mentally separated already.

Couples therapy is not advised when one of the couple is abusive, so I'm not surprised it didn't work and the therapist wanted you to come back alone. Have you managed to do therapy by yourself? That safe space and place to offload and develop coping strategies and boundaries might be useful for you.

You can contact your local domestic abuse organisation for support. They will have outreach workers who work in the community with women who are stuck in abusive situations. They can offer various forms of support and advice, so it might be worth referring yourself and having a chat with one of them.

Has your child ever been assessed by the disability side of children's social care in regards to whether there is more support they could offer you? If not, you might want to look into that.

I have a high-needs SEN child and am a sole carer/parent. I am also disabled. We are bother survivors of severe domestic violence/abuse. Even though life is incredibly hard by ourselves (my child is unable to attend school so we are literally 24/7), it is infinitely better than being around someone whose mood and behaviour infects and controls the whole household. Waking up cheerful or happy and being able to maintain that mood without being affected by the other person waking up and then us teading on eggshells is life changing.

Do not underestimate the impact of regaining your autonomy. You deserve to feel respected and happy too.

He does. I've encouraged him. He has spoken to his doc but he refuses to try any medication. Says he can do it himself or something.
He's always had the potential if that makes sense, and has been a bit like this before, but yes definitely our situation has made him worse. However he's not proactive at all really - it's me who does all the admin related to her from buying underwear to getting her diagnosis to preschools and everything inbetween.

Thanks very much. It is 🙁 I do find it hard to let his mood wash past me because the whole atmosphere in the house is terrible, or he'll go around loud sighing, or having an angry face or giving out into the ether.

Thank you. I will try. I find it very hard to do it to be honest but I definitely need to try harder. I want a happy home for my child, and myself, and a part of me worries if I completely detach either he'll eventually come around but I'll be done, or he will leave me and I don't feel I can manage all my child's needs alone.

Thank you. I'm glad to read you're out of the situation and are happier for it. I know exactly what you mean about mood and behaviour infecting the whole household. It's venomous.
I'm in ROI so we more or less have one pathway that 'deals' with everything.
I have started counselling by myself since Jan and it does help a bit ❤️

The book ‘it’s not you’ has a chapter on how to cope if you stay in the relationship

No advice but I wanted to say that I understand completely. I am in a similar situation in that I haven’t had things as shit as I thought I would walnojt the door for, like being punched. But he is everything you describe. But I can’t leave. I am also the main bread winner. It’s easy to say leave when yoj can’t. I fantastise and designed the garage in my head for him to move into so he’s srill around but separate. I wonder if I’ll join replika to find a platonic fake friend for the days he doesn’t even say hello in the morning or walking into a room

Thank you, do you know the name of the author

You said you couldn’t manage on your own so what does he actually do?

It annoying if he’s refusing help and just taking it out on those around him. Have you told him his behaviour is affecting others? How did he react?

Thank you and sorry to hear you're going through similar. It's really crap isn't it. And lonely. How they can walk around us without even speaking to us I do not know. What's replika?

This is fantastic advice. Also look up Cassandra Syndrome. There are Facebook support groups for this too

I was in this situation too for many years. I moved out when I was financially able to then met the most amazing supportive kind man very quickly who became my dh. My ex used to tell me no one else would put up with me yet is now eternally single and unable to find / sustain a relationship.

Good luck op

He's there for our daughter daily while I'm working, brings her to and from school most days, is an extra body when I'm there so it's not just me who had to keep watch over her (she needs constant supervision. I have a certain level of freedom because he's there if that makes sense - eg can meet my sister for lunch or go to the gym in the evening. He does do a lot of the day to day in fairness. And he does have reasons to be angry, depressed etc, but he won't do anything to try and help himself and we all suffer for it.
Yes, have had many conversations previously (ranging from pleading to arguing) but nothing seems to get through. It's like he's in this loop of self-pity, self-hatred, feeling like the world is against him. Any realistic suggestions of how to help himself, or let me help him, are dismissed and/or scoffed at. In his mind he's the misunderstood, taken advantage of person and he's just trying his best (this is not realistic whatsoever).

Thank you. Very glad u got out of the situation and are happy. I will look up that syndrome. Probably wouldn't be brave enough to join any FB groups in case anyone saw me, I even name changed (from a completely non-identifying name!) for this post 😂