AIBU to regret leaving because the loneliness feels overwhelming?

[Ghasha]

I’m going to try to keep this brief. I met my husband in 2013, we married in 2016, rented various houses, both have unskilled low paid jobs, in 2018 we had a baby and his parents offered to buy a house to rent to us, they chose it but said it was ours to decorate and do with what we wanted, they would maintain it. We did this. When I was pregnant again in 2021 my husband was physically violent with me. He promised never to do it again and we stayed together. Then there were 3 instances where I found out he’d been through my phone, my laptop and ipad - he states reason was his own low self esteem. After that he started getting controlling around sex and intimacy. We started couples therapy. Then he was physically violent against me again.
I left at the beginning of May and took the kids, got a new rental property where the rent is double what we were paying. Had to leave behind my house that I had decorated top to bottom single handedly and all my plants in the garden, the house I brought my babies home to. All because it was more his house than mine and he wasn’t decent enough to leave. He barely ever acknowledged his behaviour.
My parents are 6 hours drive away, we aren’t close and they helped me move but haven’t checked in since. My sister is similar, checks in occasionally but lives 4 hours away. My friends were great before I left and would really cheer me on to leave him but since I’ve moved we’ve tried to arrange to meet up 3 times and each time they’ve cancelled - I get it, they’re mums with busy family lives.

I am really struggling with the loneliness. When I have the kids its the best feeling in the world and when they’re with him its the worst. I just feel like nobody cares and I have no one and I’m starting from scratch again at 39. I even feel like I wish I hadn’t left, at least I wasn’t this desperately lonely.

You are being unreasonable to think going back would be better. He physically attacked you, twice. You would be risking your life to go back.

Reach out to family, don't wait for them to check in.

Look for local community groups in your area, for yourself and for family orientated groups, get involved.

Put yourself out there and stop denying yourself a chance at living because some manchild couldn't control his temper.

What about looking for some crafty upcycling furniture groups to start making your new home yours too?

your feelings are very normal for a seperated couple. If divorce not done, I would complete that

I totally understand that you now feel that what you had bad as it was, you were better there but believe me, you are not. By now, his violence would have escalated.
I suggest you contact Women's Aid. They will help you where i lived when I fled, they had a women's group where I made many friends.
Are your children at school? Is there anything at the school you could try to be involved in? listening to children read? fundraising?
if you like reading then maybe a reading group? go to the local library see if they have any groups advertised. our local library had lots of things for children plus crafts, reading groups etc for adults
concentrate on making your home as good as if not better than before. try upcycling items, decorate with decoupage etc lots of ideas on line

My ex was abusive (no kids involved) but I know exactly what you mean. So many people encouraged me to leave him and were supportive and said I was doing the right thing. And once the job was done left me to it. The endless days afterwards were so lonely. I missed having human presence around in the evening even if it was shit

It’s early days and it’s normal to have a wobble. Be kind to yourself and remind yourself that having doubts doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. I would try to fill the time you aren’t with the children with things you enjoy, small treats and look at how you can build your network. You have done the right thing and it’ll feel better in time

OP if you stayed you and your kids would be at risk of serious lifelong harm. Physical safety is essential. It sucks to have lost your home, but you can rebuild. 39 is not old or too late. I got divorced at 41. Yes it's hard but that's life, and it is so rewarding to be self sufficient. Be proud of yourself for doing the right thing. Lots of women stay in terrible relationships for an easier life and it is so wrong for the kids.
When the kids are with him try and do something just for you. It will feel weird at first, as you're not used to it, but you'll get there.

Hi Op. am happy to chat at any time if it helps your loneliness.

This is exactly it

A bit left field, but if you enjoy gardening, consider getting (or on the list for) an allotment locally and join your local allotment society if there is one.

It won't solve the issues with your friends and family, but whilst you tackle those, an allotment will get you out, give you a cheap purpose and interest outside your work and most allotment sites are friendly and gently sociable. Plus it will be 'yours' as long as you pay the cheap rent and look after it. The fresh air and exercise are also good for our mental health and will tire you (and the kids) out physically, plus the light warm evenings make gardening easier to fit around work.

There will be other solutions too it's just being imaginative enough to find them. What you definitely shouldn't have done is stay in a relationship that was a terrible example/life for your children could end with you being dead or seriously injured!

I think that you need to look into what's available in your local area group wise where you can get involved in and meet new people. Have a look in your local library or ask the staff there.
He would have gotten worse over time. You and your kids did not need to stay in a home where he was physically and or verbally nasty with you. Then living in a home with a nasty atmosphere where your continuous on edge because of his behaviour is miserable for you and your kid's.

You need to remember that you did what was the best for you and your kids. You want them to be happy, have a good childhood and not to end up with a partner like him long term.

Years ago one of my friends had 3 young children. Her partner was a drinker. She was at home with the kid's. He was spending money on drinking that she needed for the bills, to buy the kids a pair of shoes ect. She had enough of been short of money, of the verbal abuse from him when she said where is the money to pay for X or y.
She kicked him out and went on benefits. When her youngest child was a bit older she did a course that lead to a job.

Today she has a job that pays well above min wage. Her kids all have degrees and are doing well in work. She told me the best thing I did was kicking him out.

I would also get the CMS involved and make sure you get money from him for the kid's. I would do the freedom program before getting involved in another relationship as well.

Agree with this, you have been very brave and it will take time to settle into a comfortable routine, but know that you have done a wonderful thing for your little ones and have changed their lives for the better x