AIBU to feel sidelined by a friend who always wants to brings her toddler?

[melindarra]

im a mom myself of a 7 years old.. im not asking for plans every week but like one time a month or every other month for a one on one time with her. But it seems IMPOSSIBLE.. bcs when i ask her agian she is like «it has to be with sophie» her 2 year old. And now its been 3 months since i so her last n i asked her again for when we where gonna meet one on one again bcs we talked about it for 1 month ago and she responded with «my partner works from morning to evening everyday so i would have to bring my kid» and i even asked her to dm when she knows a day we can have one on one time and compromise (sometimes one on one and sometimes with kids or kid) , like that after that we can have that her kid can join to because i have felt its been sooooo long i haven’t seen my friend as a friend but a mom.. she even tell i can bring my 7 year old to as an excuse for her to bringing her toddler aswell.

and like 1 month ago she was at a hotel weekend with her bestie that has a kid her kids age, but they where there without the kids while grandma was watching sophie» and it was kinda like yea.. when i got snaps of her like «sooo good to have childfree time n do what i want 😍» and tons of snap of her and her bestie on story how much fun they where having. I felt a bit envy because a month ago that i asked her for bowling with me and my bf and her and her partner and she was talking about it aswell! In reality she was the one who wanted adult bowling with us.. and we set up a day just for her to «ooo i forgot bout it but couldnt make it anyways because my partner had work and i didnt have a babysitter..» without even rearranging it or anything..

i get tons of snaps about her kid every week.. i feel like im more an audience for her kid than me being her friend.. i never respond to snaps she sends me about her kid anymore.. and hang outs with her and her kid? Its more like me being a babysitter with her and making the whole hangout about her kid and entertaining her kid. And when we where talking about one on one hangout she kept going back to bringing her kid with her because she always brings her with her.. and that im lucky because i dont have it like her and easier.. easier how i think... its was understandable when her kid was a newborn and breastfeeding but now its a whole toddler who needs attention and entertaining so its not just bringing a small baby that sleeps with you.
i know this may come out kinda spiteful and its not on purpose at all!

I just miss her because she keep saying and texting she misses me and we need to hang out soon and more without even putting effort herself. Sorry im my English isn’t the best its not my first language :)

I think I’d just distance myself a little. The kind of meet ups she’s willing to have with you at the moment don’t suit you, the meet ups you want to have don’t seem to suit her. I’d focus on other friendships. If this one is strong it will bounce back when she’s out of the toddler trenches.

@CrowMate im thinking of that but then she still insists in missing me and we have to hang out soon! Even tough i feel she likes the feeling of feeling missed and wanted more than aqqtually putting effort in it

I can see it from both sides to be honest.
When my youngest was that age he really did not like being away from me and my life was a lot easier if I could bring him along to things. I was also exhausted by the evenings and didn't tend to want to go out then. I had very little child-free time and was super careful how I allocated that (I'm not saying you aren't worth it).

But i also understand how much a toddler changes the dynamic when you just want to see a friend. And it must be hurtful to see her making the effort for other people, although you mention that it was with her best friend who maybe she just felt warranted that free time?

I think I would comprise by maybe arranging things where the toddler can come and be entertained (soft play??) While you guys can sit and have coffee and a chat? But also now and again ask if she can get a babysitter because you'd like to invite her to x,y or z?

You might have to just wait until she's out of the toddler years though. Does her daughter attend nursery at all? Could you meet up while she's there?

I was going to say maybe she doesn't have childcare, but then she managed a weekend away. Have you tried suggesting an evening once her DC is in bed? Maybe at hers? Tbh it sounds like you aren't well matched at the moment.

I have a toddler. There's no way I could orchestrate a child free hangout 121 with every friend every month. Group grown-up hangouts are precious.

However, you said you miss her because she texts you that she misses you. Do you actually enjoy her company? What sort of shared history did you have before she had a child?

But so what, though? What she’s offering at the moment doesn’t suit you. Assuming you’ve been clear about wanting to meet one on one without children, the ball is in her court.

@QuaintBeaker im not really into soft play hangouts because me and her barely see each other anymore wich is sad because we used to be besties and so close! We knew each for 8 years so its not a recently friendship. For me i compromise more if we at least get one on one hangout after to begin with to catch up on life and stuff she attends nursery but my friend works the same time shes there.

@Mulledjuice its kinda a bit hard to enjoy her company if its only child related hang outs because she is a VERY proud mom (understandable) but i think she expects me to be as in love with her toddler as she is. Honestly i dont expect her or never to be like that with my kid i feel like asking how my kid is doing n blabla is more than good enough 😆 we hanged a lot and had such memorable friendship before she had kid

@BendingSpoons even if i asked she would say no because she prefers early on day to hang out than evenings, pluss she lives 20-30 min from me aswell

She is caught up in a toddler bubble. I understand your frustration, as you can't have a meaningful conversation when jumping up every 2 mins to attend to a toddler. However you can't force her to change her view, so ultimately you have a choice. Either stick with the friendship and hope as her child gets older, she is happy to go back to something closer to your old friendship or refuse what she is offering (soft play meet-ups) and accept the friendship fading. I'd be tempted to say something like 'with Johnny being 7, I've done more than my fair share of soft play visits and it's not for me anymore! Let me know if you fancy a glass of wine/trip to cinema etc one night and we can sort a date that works for you'.

I don’t have kids but several of my friends do and I’ve never expected one on one time with them. I’ve always just seen that the mum & their child are a package deal so we did things that the children would generally appreciate, picnics, park trips, etc and then we’d chat while the kids played. We’ve come out the other side now as the children are older however I saw my friend for brekkie last week and she said her 18year old son had asked if he could come as he hadn’t seen me in ages! He didn’t make it out of bed in time 🙄

Yea i over the soft play dates one thing is if my kid and her kid where same age but i dont think my 7 year old would be all thrilled to spend time with a 2 year old more than 20-30 minutes because they from different world basically. Because she has tried many times for us to do something with the kids. I have told her just dm me if u can have one on one time i can even come closer to where u live in the town so easier for her to get home to her toddler

You are still her friend, but not good enough a friend to spend precious child free time on. That’s just how life is, people have to prioritise. If what she can offer doesn’t suit you (and, to be fair, if I did not have a toddler I wouldn’t want to hang out with one on a regular basis either) just tell her to let you know when she can have adult time. However, it also sounds like you are more of a back up option who gets dumped for a better option (re the bowling… sorry).

I think have a few friends.. can understand your frustration though. If she can meet others though). It has to be flexible both sides too. I used love getting out for drink or cinema

Then just reply with the same phrase each time.

Oh I really miss you let’s meet up soon!!

Sounds great let me know when you have a babysitter

What about next week and I bring Sophie?

No let’s wait until you can make it just you like we talked about. Let me know when you have a babysitter.

But I really miss you!

Me too. I hope you manage to find a babysitter soon. Let me know when you do.

Repeat repeat repeat.

Obviously there’s a risk the friendship will die out. So it depends on what you want. If you want to keep the friendship then you’ll need to keep meeting up with her on her terms. If you’re happy to potentially let it drift then do the above.

@SharpTooth honestly? If the friendship dies it dies in my opinion i havent gotten much out if it those last years. Do i wish it was different? Yea prob, but not putting more effort into maintaining a friendship. I feel like im not even asking for much just a lil compromise once in a while if she really want our friendship the ball is on her now because ive been honest what i want.

How did meeting up work when your child was young? Did you give your friend one on one time or did you always have your child with you?

@Nevermind31 thats understable because i already had a toddler myself back then and yea they can be a bit pain in the butt taking them out to meet ppl thats why i went without my kid when she was a toddler because i wanted time with my friend to chat and laugh and be me not mom me. I cant force her to have one on one time with me thats on her but i won’t start with having a hang out with her toddler first just to get the «we have one on one time next<3» but it never happens bcs she won’t make time for it. So if she cant compromise i wont either. Its not that fun to hang with peoples toddlers

@Loulou4022 I had her with me wheb she was under 7 months because of breastfeeding but then i liked one on one time better because i wanted to see my friends without my kid intact all the time😆 so yea i did give her on one on time once a month. Unless she came to my home

Doesn't sound like she wants to hang out alone with you @melindarra. If she did, she would, just like she does with her best friend.

Let this one go and focus on your friends that live closer and don't bring their kids.

That’s great that you had a supportive husband/ someone to babysit, maybe your friend doesn’t have that?

Then I’d just keep repeating the same phrase. Just keep saying cool let me know when you have a babysitter then don’t respond anymore other than to repeat that.

I can see this from both sides, since I have an 8-year old, and a toddler (and one in the middle!).

I think you very quickly forget how intense the toddler years are and how precious adult-free time is once your kids are older than, say, 6. I’m right in the thick of the toddler years with my youngest, and even I had forgotten how completely absorbing and overwhelming it is! And I’ve recently done it twice already!

It sounds like she’s tried to organise something with both her child and yours, that does seem like a compromise to me?

Whether she has child-free time to go away for a weekend isn’t the measuring stick you should use for your relationship. E.g. I would pay a stupid amount of money for babysitters, or fly my sister from abroad so that I could go away for a weekend with DH or for a big event like a wedding. But I save my very precious childcare for situations like that. I would never use it to hang out with a friend if we could meet somewhere like a playground or cafe with a play area etc.

I would give it a few more years once she’s out of the toddler intensity. Outings for me got so much easier once they turned 6/7.

me and her and our kids is not really a compromise tho especially since i asked for one on one time first but she inly offers kid hang outs maybe its a compromise if we get a one on one hang out first. But im done nagging her for us time because she told me she could maybe next week and that i could remind her and i did and she responed with same «kid focused hang out»

@movinghomeadvice