Would you say I grew up in abuse?

[wobdering]

I’m now 34. I’ve lived most my life mentally not ok. I had my first baby at 16 who leaves school next week and we are honestly best mates. I’ve lived with awful anxiety & depression but feel my children have been my happy safe place and I’ve always done for them what I wanted as a child which is healing for me.

I look back at childhood and things stand out to me and I wonder if I’ve lived with trauma?

my parents where hard hard working. Now verging on millionaires. We had what we wanted. Nice holidays etc etc.

however my dad was horrible to my mum. Always gave her silent treatment, said cruel things, and when I got to teen years I was aware of my dad’s affairs. I don’t know if my mum was.
I remember my mum crying so much. I’d go to school and write stories in primary school about my dad being in a mood & mummy always crying. The teachers rang my parents about this I vaguely remember.

I was definitely hit. Chased up the stairs with hand marks left on me from being hit so hard if I was naughty.

if I wanted to go out with friends as a teen I had very strict rules of early coming home times whilst everyone was still out.

from a teen even till now my mum has had me saved in her phone as cow?? Hurt me a lot.

my mum was very much at my dads beck and call and from a child I craved time alone with her which I rarely got.
I remember going to the cinema about 8 years old with my friend and her mum and I cried the whole time worrying about my mum.

this is just a few points.

wgeb I was about 20 I was working full time. My mum rang me at work threatening an over dose I left work n rushed to the house to find her sobbing with tablet packets around her. It scared me for life.

on the other hand I was always clean and well fed. The house was immaculate and my dad would spoil me financially.

now I’m 33, I have little to do with both of them. I found myself sad after seeing them and drained and found them so toxic.

im very lonely as an adult. I adore my kids but they aren’t adults so I don’t put my sadness thoughts on them.

im not in self pity at all I just like to grow and heal & reflect and give myself answers x

Yes this was abuse. Partly physically but mostly emotional. You lived in a completely dysfunctional home where your emotional needs weren't met.
What is amazing is the job you've done with your own kids, given the lack of role models in your life and given your inner fragility. So a huge well done.
The cost is you, though, and the effect of your inner feelings on your mood. Now is the time to think about some therapy. It might not help you to rehash your childhood so choose a therapist who will look at where you are now and how to move forward (try lots before you commit if you need to). This is the best investment in you that you could make.
And get out there meeting people. Try Meetup or join a sports club or class, or an art class or a book group. Anything that helps you get out of your head and doing something you enjoy.
💐

Yes. Your father abused your mother with the silent treatment (and you because you witnessed it) and your mother abused you (hitting and name calling and suicide threats). Huge credit to you for not doing the same to your children.

@Wordsmithery gives great advice.

I’m sorry that your childhood was so dysfunctional.

If you were a child in my care now I’d be making a referral to MASH! I’m sorry you had such a poor upbringing, well done for being your own children’s safe place.

Oh my Lord OP, that sounds horrendous.

As I was growing up I always knew that my childhood hadn’t been normal but as I was always clean and fed and generally cared for I didn’t want to class it as a “bad childhood”.

However, at the age of 42 I came to the realisation that it wasn’t normal and when I acknowledged that it hit me like a ton of bricks. I’ve been having therapy on and off for the last 7 months to help me to come to terms with it all and it’s been tough.

I find great comfort in the fact that I adore my children and I put all my energy into making sure they know how loved they are and making sure that their childhood is NOTHING like mine was.

Well done OP on breaking the cycle with your own kids. That takes a great deal of insight, you should be really proud of yourself.

I'm so sorry you lived through that. Yes, it was abusive, growing up in fear od your dad's moods, seeing the effect it had on your mum, being hit, being emotionally manipulated by mum. It sounds so trite, but have you consideres some therapy for yourself, just to help you process?

Also with the anxiety and depression, have you spoken to your GP?

Yes, this was abuse and, as my username indicates, I had much of the same, including SA.

Well done on recognising it and breaking the cycle.

Can you access therapy? That has helped me a lot.

One thing I would gently suggest, and that is not to treat your DC as your best friend. That puts a lot of pressure on a teenager/young person who needs to develop their own independent life and friendships. And so do you - learn how to find friends and deep connections away from your DC.

Absolutely clear case of abuse. The line about being well fed and being financially lavished does not undo the dysfunctionality and emotional abuse.

You would likely benefit from ongoing therapy to work through this. My wife suffered at the hands of her mum and took years to become aware as all very covert and emotional with no physical abuse. This stuff sadly leaves a permanent psychological scar.

Best wishes

Yes I think this was abuse. Like you, I grew up thinking my parents’ behaviour while I was growing up was unusual compared to my friends, but now I see that a lot of it was wrong. When I tell people some of the things they did they say it’s abuse, which I find hard to reconcile. I have to care for my 89-year-old mum and I resent a lot of it

That sounds horrific and no way to bring up a child, how did they react when you had your baby ? That probably wasn't easy either..

Thanks everyone. Well I was actually pregnant at 14 & forsed into abortion. At 14 I was looking for love and got pregnant. My mum said if she put me on the pill it means I can have sex and I’m not allowed but I’d already done it? Then got pregnant again at 16. Told me to abort again but if I’m totally honest my young fragile 16 year old brain told me my baby was a way out away from that house. And it was! Sad looking back.

Sending you massive hugs OP. It's good that you're recognising this at a relatively young age.

If it's at all possible for you to have therapy, especially psychotherapy, I'd really encourage you to do so. It will help identify what you can do now to help the emotional scars heal.

Yes it was abuse and I'm sorry you had such a tough time. I can relate to the outward appearances of a "normal" family but not at all healthy and happy behind closed doors.

I too have spent my parenthood making sure my children feel so loved, safe and cared for. I hope you are proud of that, it's not easy to do.

I have found some therapy really helpful. Not to dwell on it, but to address my feelings around it and then move forwards.

I do gently agree with the advice to not have your child as your best friend. One of my parents always insisted they wanted to be our friend and as a child I found it quite a mixed bag of emotions if I'm honest. I'm sure you are mindful of that side of it though too.

Yes it was definitely an abusive and toxic upbringing. Done on you for breaking the cycle and being a great mum. Maybe get some counselling to deal with any issues that linger.

Sounds similar to my childhood. We were fed and clean, and had everything we needed, but Dad was an alcoholic who got drunk every weekend. He would constantly threaten to throw my Mum out of the window, the house would get smashed up etc. We all walked on egg shells, due to his volatility.

My DH had similar too. Plenty of money, and nice holidays etc, but his parents relationship was very volatile and his Mum was an angry woman - she broke DH's nose.

I don't find it helpful to label it really. My Dad is now 84 and needs loads of help, and we just give it. What can you do? Just put it behind you and do better.