What should I say to school about another child frightening my son?

[ToffeePennie]

My 8 year old son has been “picked on” by another child in the other class (2 classes per year group) by the child continually saying they were coming home with DS and “it’s all been arranged with my mum” This has really frightened DS because he doesn’t really know this child, they joined the school midway through last term and aren’t in the same class.
DS is currently going through the ADHD diagnosis process, and because of that he is having wellness checks with the head/SENDCO every day just after lunch or break time. He has regurgitation syndrome (he can be sick on demand) so these wellness checks are important because otherwise he would be off sick 90% of the school year.
Last night he actually had a migraine and did his usual trick of regurgitating, and eventually I dug into it and it turns out this child had really frightened him for the last few days at home time, trying to latch onto his hand, scream-crying and generally being really obnoxious. My son is now refusing to attend school, won’t get dressed, keeps saying that he’s been sick and shouldn’t go.
I guess I’m asking for advice of what to say to the school this morning to try and get some help for my boy?

I would tell the school to keep this child away from your ds at all times, monitor in the classroom (sit far away as possible), monitor on the playground and in the lunch hall. Under no circumstances is this child to come near your ds as it’s triggering him.

Your use of ‘picked on’ and ‘obnoxious’ is a bit strange here, OP. Especially as a parent of a ND child. The other child sounds overbearing, sure, but possibly ND too if they aren’t getting social cues, it also sounds quite childish for an 8 year old. Do they have additional needs? Anyway, just speak to his teacher/ SENDCO about it and suggest a way for him to respond and advocate for himself, even if it’s just a firm ‘No! I don’t want to.’

Some of it suggests the other child may also be ND. Have you spoken to class teacher about it yet? I would get their perspective first.

With DD1 I find there is her perspective, the other kid’s perspective, and what’s actually happening is somewhere in the middle.

This is a bit OTT, and schools don’t have the resources to monitor kids on this way. Speak to the kid, his parents, sure. Ultimately though, things will happen in life that will trigger your child, worse stuff than an over-friendly child. Isn’t it better to give him a toolkit of how best to respond?

This is a bit OTT, and schools don’t have the resources to monitor kids on this way. Speak to the kid, his parents, sure. Ultimately though, things will happen in life that will trigger your child, worse stuff than an over-friendly child. Isn’t it better to give him a toolkit of how best to respond?

Just tell the school! Same as you have told us. Only maybe don't use the words 'picked on' as it doesn't sound like that's what's happening... Just explain the boys behavior, it's impact on your son, and what you would like to happen (closer supervision, separation, and reassurance presumably)

Are you saying that this other eight year old is doing this purposefully to upset your son? That just seems so unlikely. I would have assumes that he was also a child with additional needs and therefore saying he’s picking on your son is not what is happening. Regardless, you need to tell the school that ds is becoming upset and Herat what they have to,say.

YABU to frame this as bullying, you're assigning intent when it's clear this other child likely has SEND. You need to speak to the school without using blaming words.

I've had something similar to this.

Just tell the teacher what has happened. It's fine. This is the sort of thing we want to know about.

The teachers job is to support both children - yours to feel safe and the other child to understand why this was inappropriate.

They're still very young and need help to understand appropriate social interactions still.

Can you do it at drop off today?

Definitely tell the school, but don't use the same language you have used on here.

By the sounds of it the other child has his own issues, so raise it kindly, and just stick to how the other child's behaviour is impacting your child, and how can this be overcome.

I have zero information about the other child, so I cannot make assumptions, but I do know it’s been continual and sustained since the other child started school, which is why I say my son is being picked on. It’s been every few days since the other child started. Despite repeated warnings from both class teachers and despite my son very clearly saying “you are not coming home with me” said child was still allowed to leave the other classroom at the same time as my son, and latch onto his hand. My son ran to my husband and my husband marched the child back to the teacher, and informed them that they were wrong.
The next day, my son reported during his wellness check that the child had been wandering across the hall crying and he had been called out of class to explain why he had been “bullying” this child. My son still maintains to this day, that the only words he says are “you are not coming home with me” which is factual. So if the school can assume my son is bullying someone who is genuinely causing stress migraines, im assuming they aren’t doing their job.

I agree with this. The child definetly sounds overbearing and I wouldn't enjoy someone like that. But it doesnt sound like he's being picked on as such. The other child definetly sounds ND

My friend taught her daughter to say 'NO' and put her hand out palm up in response to any unwanted contact. Might be a useful tool to teach your son, as this child doesnt sound like a bully more like one who is misreading cues and doesnt know how to make friends

“Picked on” is a strange way of interpreting what is happening here. With your child’s issues, it’s important you don’t feed into situations by being overly-emotional/reactive.

The other child is likely ND, so just explain, calmly, to your child’s teacher what has been going on (without using your emotional language) and let them deal with it.
In the meantime, start teaching your child how to use his words and set up boundaries for himself. Stating a clear ‘No’ is a good starting point.

This would be very annoying but I wonder why your DS is so frightened? All he needs to say is “not as far as I know, bye” or whatever and just act like he isn’t bothered?
You definitely need to work on this with him as kids can be much meaner and “I’m coming to your house” (when he knows it’s not something that’s going to happen) is something he should be able to laugh off.

Maybe you could place a note / social story or something. in his pocket each day with what you’re doing after school so he can look at it when this boy says “I’m coming home with you” and he can know for sure, that it isn’t the case?

Hopefully the school can help sort it but I think it’s best not to make a big thing out of it and focus on ways to help your son not worry about these kinds comments. If he gives the kid too much of a reaction it might be what the other boy enjoys.

Speak to the school urgently and formally. Paper trail essential.

It honestly sounds like a ND child that wants to be friends but can’t read social cues. That must be annoying for your DS but it really shouldn’t be frightening. I wonder if you’re inadvertently influencing him to be scared by making out it’s a bullying issue when it isn’t. I think you both need to reframe your thinking. Tell DS this child will never be invited to play, that he can tell him to go away or ignore and if he’s still being ANNOYING he can tell the teacher. I’d also chat to the school but don’t go in there making out like this child is bullying yours, he isn’t, he’s just pestering him and your DS is struggling with how to respond when this kid can’t take a hint.

so I went in and spoke to the head. I framed it as my son’s anxiety is now out of control because this child is repeatedly choosing him to say they’re coming to his house. I also mentioned that my son often misinterprets social cues due to his ADHD and regardless of this child’s intentions they are making my son profoundly uncomfortable. I also mentioned the GP diagnosis of extreme anxiety (my son was diagnosed a few years ago after he had had a disastrous reception year that put him on edge at school).
The headmistress was really kind and said that the child was clearly causing my son distress and that she would speak to the whole year group about “going home arrangements” that way it’s not on any one particular child.
She has also invited my son to help with being a “wilderness warrior” at lunchtime and today has asked him to visit the local council office with some year 6s during break time, as that will give him some respite from the other child.
She was clearly very upset that my son was so distressed (he was throwing up every time the child’s name was mentioned) and thinks that this will be a good step forward.
I haven’t hear anything since, so that seems like a good outcome and hopefully my son’s anxiety will reduce over time, as the Dr suggested it would.

That sounds like a positive outcome.

Isn't the problem now that he can't tell the other kid they're not coming home with him... Because when he does, (in his mind) he gets pulled aside for upsetting the kid? After enough conversations at home, he might well know the other kid isn't invited to his house, but telling the teachers did nothing and now he has to just put up with listening to child say he is coming over, physical contact he doesn't want and can't get away from and also an awkward moment at the end of the day where his own parents have to deal with child and send them back to the teacher. It's a lot for a child who lacks confidence in the first place and I can understand why he'd just want to avoid the situation. Definitely more things should be put in place by the teachers to deal with the issue.
I hope things improve after the head's involvement now.

Yeah I always wonder when people say things like this. It's impossible unless the child has a 1 to 1.

Could you possibly arrange to get him 5 mins early from the office?