How to make my kids different from me

[rainbowslilli9]

Posting here for traffic..

I know kids arent carbon copies of their parents but obviously there's aspects and environment etc that affect who they are

Im 28. Have a 4 and 2yo. I have suffered with confidence all my life still do, anxiety diagnosed at 10. Diagnosed as being on the spectrum at 14. Adhd diagnosis this year. So a bit much

My current life is my kids. I work part time thats when they attend nursery then I have them on my own 2 days, husband is off on weekend. But they are my life I love them so much

I say this as i dont have hobbies. They go to bed and i just relax. Do housework. Hubby goes to the gym, does running, climbing etc.

I worry as eldest seems not as confident. He is shy with kids, really worried about him starting school. He has been referred to general peds for assessment to start after nursery noticed etc. But i can see hes not as confident in a group and when we see other kids him and DD (2 yo)stick together. He is tough with clubs. Won't stick to any but loves doing so much like bug hunts playing football exploring animals nature etc
He just doesn't like a club but I want to help him get a hobby

Younger DD is slightly more confident. Still not overly where she'd go into a play centre and befriend the whole place but she will in a playground/ play centre speak to other kids etc. She's been attending toddler dance since she was 18 months (she's 2.5 now) and when she's 3 can go to the big girl class where im not in it, so sticking with it and hope this goes well

But how can I help my kids try hobbies, get some, be confident people and when I say that I mean confident in themselves really im not asking for them to break into song and dance for a random audience etc lol

If you're AuDHD you've probably been masking all your life and trying to be someone who is not the authentic you.

I know this is going to sound like such a glib, useless response but if you want DC to see the joy in hobbies because you're upset you've never had any - start with you. What brings you joy? What did you used to do as a child but perhaps stopped because you felt you were too old, or it wasn't "cool" or people would laugh at you?

I have finally admitted that one of my hobbies/interests is psychology and child development. I kept hiding this behind a screen of "I just like being a mum" but it's not really just part of being a mum for me, it's fascinating, I actually want to do some study in this area and possibly look into it as a future job direction.

But also I have interests which come and go and that's OK as well. I will play my guitar for a bit, then I'll get into crafting and puzzles or I'll get really into computer games where I can build elaborate worlds (like city builders, management games, the Sims etc) or I'll get obsessed with a book series. Currently I'm finding TV shows to watch in my second language and feeling very pleased with myself that I can actually follow them.

But I also think it's fine not to have hobbies. Not everyone needs them, and not every child needs loads of activities. DC2 (mine) can't handle activities on top of school because school is a lot for him. DC3 is much more social and energetic and absolutely loves going to football training. DC1 sorts his own stuff out these days, but when he was younger, he used to go to something for a few weeks and then get totally fed up and bored of it.

And for self confidence the most important thing is strong attachment - there is a great book about this by Tina Payne Bryson and Dan Siegel called The Power of Showing Up - they say essentially if you provide safety, security, soothing (when needed) and "see" your child for who they really are rather than some idea you have in your head, those four things are really important building blocks and it sounds like you're doing these things already.

But again I think it is always an idea to start with you. What makes you feel good about yourself? Do you have friends who you feel really "see" you?

I think firstly you need to stop projecting. Because you behave in certain ways due to your anxiety, it doesn't mean that if your DC choose to hang back, are quieter, are a little slower to engage socially, this means they are 'like you' in that their behaviour is rooted in anxiety.
For one thing, they are very young, and this sort of behaviour is very common, and sometimes temporary. And if it turns out to be a permenant characteristic of their personalities, that they are quieter, less comfortable in crowds and so on, it doesn't mean there something wrong, as its fine to be this way, provided they're happy and have good self esteem.
Unfortunately urging children to do things you think they should can often lead to low self esteem as they realise you want them to be more outgoing than they naturally are and feel they are failing.
So if I were you, rather than concentrate on what you think confidence looks like, work on building the real deep underlying confidence that means you can be outgoing or not, quiet or loud and know you're just fine the way you are.
Provide opportunities and gentle encouragement, but relax and let your children take the lead in how involved they want to be. Let them know they are safe and that you think they're amazing the way they are, and you won't go too far wrong.

Thanks all sorry I was just feeling a bit blue last night when I wrote this too.

Im trying to encourage not being like me but trying not to be pushy etc

For me its hard. Dh works long hours and office isn't close so he leaves just as i take them to nursery, gets back about 7-8pm. They go to bed then I find its half 8/9 and it feels a bit late

I struggle to remember when I was a teenager I was kind of recluse I had an eating disorder then got physically ill so missed school too

When I was younger I did just love playing with my imagination running about

I feel so old and tired now haha! I probably need to move my body more but I dont know what I could do for a hobby

Well why encourage them NOT to be like you? There is nothing wrong with you. You are lovely just as you are. (I know I don't know you, but I am one of those sickening people who believes this about everyone).

If you genuinely don't believe this, maybe it would be a good idea to look at some kind of therapy/counselling, maybe someone who is neurodiversity affirming, maybe an ADHD coach? To see if it helps you figure out what, if anything you want to do with your time and what there is to like about yourself as you are, and whether there is anything you want to change and if so, how to do it. I honestly think there is balance in everything. There's a great book about the positives of being an introvert, called "Quiet" which might be worth a read.

For imagination there are plenty of things which don't involve moving your body - dungeons and dragons, creative writing, computer role play games or storytelling type games.

Or if you want to move more possibly something like amateur dramatics? There are often plenty of "background" roles in these kinds of thing if you don't want to take more of a lead role.

Good posts from @BertieBotts and @5128gap. I do think you need to model healthy ways of being in the world for your children, whatever that looks like for you — friendships, self-compassion, good boundaries, enjoyment of life etc. Otherwise you’re saying ‘Do what I say, not what I do,’ which is confusing for small children, who are being told one thing and shown another.

I’m the child of two parents who never had any friends, and who taught me, by example, some incredibly unhelpful scripts about friendship that took until my 20s to iron out. My mother would have absolutely adored to have a confident, popular sporty child, the kind who was always the centre of a gang, but literally everything she modelled said ‘The world is scary. Other people are only out for themselves. You’re not ok as you are. Sport is hard. People will laugh at you if you get it wrong. Other people’s opinion of you is way more important than your opinion of yourself. People will only love you if you behave in certain ways.’

So start with yourself. A coach or therapist with a neurodiversity-friendly approach is a good idea.

He’s only four, why does he need a hobby?

Your children are their own people. They will be like you in some respects and not others.

the best thing you can do for them is to help give them the skills to cope with life.

I’m a very quiet shy anxious person, probably on the spectrum. Playing a musical instrument in an orchestra and solo, singing in choirs and drama helped to build my confidence in speaking to people and presenting.

Your DS is only 4. He doesn't need a hobby. He needs to do lots of things he enjoys in the ways he enjoys doing them. He needs to learn to be with others in group settings, and work collaboratively and co-operatively with children his own age. Groups can be good for that, but so can lots of other things. He is going to nursery - so that will probably be enough right now.

My DS is autistic, and hated the idea of groups - especially where I left - for the longest time. Refused after school club. Once he got used to the children at his school, he wanted to do clubs there (he knew the children who would be there! less surprises!). He's now 6, and asked to do after school club this year and I nearly fell off my chair. So things can change.

He also does an athletics club (lots of the activities are solo, so less having to deal with teamwork which can be stressful), and swimming 1:1, which he loves.

One way to help make your DC confident is assuring them with your words and behaviour that they are valuable and loved for who they are. You take an interest in what they love, and listen when they speak. I bet you do this every day. You also respect their boundaries while gently encouraging them to try new things (I have found offering an out is helpful: "we'll go, and if you don't like it after 30 minutes, we can leave;" "you need to try this club three times, and if you still don't like it, we can stop" etc.). I also totally agree with @MoleskineNotebooks that modelling doing things you enjoy is really important for showing them that they can take times with those things: "Mummy's going for a walk alone this afternoon because she enjoys it - I'll see you later and we'll play then."

You are getting some really insightful answers here OP, there is nothing I can think of to add to this advice only a little thought I once had. It occured to me that with my upbringing I was actually pretty amazing for just being OK.
Things could have spiralled down numerous times and yet here I was, sat down with cup of tea, writing out a shopping list, washing on the line and thinking about a recipe to try!
Its mundane and miraculous and more than I would have believed.
One day at a time, just live in the now OP x