AIBU to feel hurt by my husband's lack of care after surgery

[OneSpoonySnake]

I’m not sure if I’m being overly sensitive or emotional but I wanted to just vent I suppose. I’m 24 hours home from surgery for endometriosis. My first diagnosis of this and they removed it in 3-4 areas. My husband has brought me up to our bed and mostly just left me to it. We have 2 kids so he seen to the school run this morning but I’ve had to ask for a cup of water and he’s not bothered to come check in or see how I’m feeling? AIBU to feel down by this? He came home earlier and had a moan about how tired he is after a day of dealing with the house, things I do all day every day on top of working full time. I’ve had surgery and he’s not even brought any food up to me? I’ve felt for a long time that he doesn’t care much for me anymore after 15 years together but this to me just solidifies that feeling. X

Obviously not. I’m pointing out your spectacular lack of empathy responding to an OP, who’s just had surgery and upset about the lack of care from her husband, with details on how you managed to do it all by yourself. Hope that helps.

No I didn't I merely said that I had to prove I COULD manage stairs despite living on ground floor And also suggested using Alexa to get her DH to bring her stuff

You edited to add the Alexa comment afterward. But no worries, as long as the spectacularly unsympathetic response was by accident…

It's not about whether op can get her own food and water, it's the general lack of love, thought and care. I'm another one who has major emergency surgery and was doing as much for myself as I could ASAP afterwards. BUT my DP looked after me, made me cups of tea and the food I was allowed to eat without me asking. He made sure I was comfy and had what I needed. It wasn't necessary for him to do this from a practical pov as I would've managed, but it sure as hell helped.

OP, you deserve better!

I’m so sorry OP, these threads always make me so sad. You deserve cherishing and caring while you recover, not being left without water and having to hear moaning about him doing very basic stuff.

Sorry to sound harsh, but it is important you don't just lie in bed. I had a lot of surgery myself and although resting is important, you need to be moving.

When such obvious thoughts don't occur to intelligent people, there is usually some subtext/understated bad faith involved. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

And, OP, I'm so sorry you are not being looked after what must have been a traumatic surgery. Care and kindness is so crucial in a relationship. I hope when you are feeling less fragile you can have an honest conversation with him about it. And, articulate your needs. You have to feel deserving of that care to ask for it.

He sounds very selfish to me - he’s probably feeling sorry for himself at how much he’s having to do what with you being out of action . Is upsetting for sure but sadly quite common I believe

Although that doesnt excuse his poor care. Can you spell out to him what you need. Are the kids old enough to help. I gave been using Alexa a lot to help when I'm in bed.
Get well soon.

Wow - won that race to the bottom didn't you.

What's unsympathetic about saying what the hospital did

Message him and say you’re patiently waiting for your lunch please ?

I can remember for 24 hours after it caused extreme chest and shoulder pain? It was awful I couldn’t move.
My 83 year old dad lived nearby at the time and turned up the next morning and said to my other half, get yourself off I’m in charge.
He stayed for 12 hours and I will never forget it - he brought Sunday newspapers, snacks and all sorts. He was really poorly at the time himself but insisted and only went home when I went to sleep. I was nearly 50!
I will never forget he brought me a cup a soup in and had a towel over his arm and presented it like a waiter.
He looked after my mum so well sadly she had passed away a few years before.
The first day she got a delivery of ‘nappies’ she was in bits and he came upstairs with a pair on over his trousers and just said let’s piss ourselves together, eh?
A man born before the last war brought up in a house where the man ruled. But he got the memo.
I still miss him. He brought joy to everything. Even in the last few weeks of his life he still cared.
To not check if you need water or food is absolutely fucking appalling. I am sorry but it’s just so remiss.

Send him a Whatsapp. Or order a Just East. Sorted.

Your dad sounds fantastic xx

Plus, not everyone recovers the same way and rate. People have different pain thresholds. Everyone is different.

I think some people are better at care than others and it's difficult to know if someone wants leaving alone to sleep etc. I would have pre planned surgery, bottles of water by the bed, soup and sandwich stuff in and made it known what I wanted. You need to start to talk to him about how you are feeling. It sounds part of other marriage issues.

Why didn't you organise care following your hysterectomy?

You're not overreacting at all OP.
Expecting water, food, and a check in once in a while is the bare minimum.
Fair enough he's got the kids so he might be a bit rushed, but at the very least he could ping you a text to check you're okay and ask if you need anything.
He's really dropped the ball and your feelings are very valid!

What a lovely lovely man x

Your dad sounds like he was a lovely man. I think that shoulder pain is often caused by trapped wind when it’s an abdominal surgery. It’s excruciating!

I ran down several flights of stairs and evacuated my apartment in under a minute due to an earthquake alarm, two weeks after I had a bowel resection.

If I had a husband, I'd still expect him to bring me food, regardless of my superior athletic skills after major abdominal surgery.

Yeah bloody awful

My friend had to have surgery unexpectedly while her husband was abroad and she was barely able to function. At the same time they already had workmen in the house renovating their kitchen. Friend could barely totter around but at intervals during the day one of the workmen would pop his head in and offer to make her a cup of tea. This from complete strangers. You'd hope your husband could be at least as kind as that.

Well done you. Have a biscuit.

I had a laparotomy last year. I found it very difficult to get out of bed the first few days because it was very sore and my body was just simply exhausted. I had to force myself up and down the stairs because I knew I had to but other than that my boyfriend helped me and cooked for me until I felt able because I was feeling incredible fragile.

@OneSpoonySnake I am so sorry. You must feel very vulnerable and very sad about this on top of being wiped out by surgery. Is he usually like this? Can you talk to him about it?