To think my daughters experience is concerning

[cats81089]

Exceptionally concerned about my daughter sexual experience. She’s early twenties. My daughter has been seeing this man for a few weeks etc. I’ve never met him. last night/ early this morning she text me to pick her up from his address at 6am. She was in a terrible state When I picked her up, her neck was slightly bruised. She later told me that he strangled her in sex. She told me that he told her during sex that he was into “co oecive control” she told me she just went along with what he asked her to do. I asked her if she asked him to stop, she said never asked him to stop. What really concerned is he said as she didn’t orgasm that he wouldn’t ejaculate inside her as he doesn’t do it if the woman doesn’t orgasm and went to Finnish himself off in the toilet?! She is sleeping now. I have no idea how to handle this situation? What do I say to her when she wakes up etc? I need advice I as am totally out of my depth and don’t know what to say to her etc

Well she’s been assaulted
take pictures and make sure she doesn’t go back to him
report to the police

Call the police and report this abusive man immediately, before he does worse to someone else

I don’t want to report him behind her back, I’m worried then she would just isolate towards him etc. I will see what says when she wakes up.

You need to make bloody sure that she knows this is not ok! Apparently this kind of stuff is getting more “normalised” due to extreme porn being everywhere but it’s not normal in the slightest and very disturbing.

At least he’s shown his true colours early though I guess. Hope your dd is ok.

It is for the OP’s daughter to decide whether to go to the police. But even if she doesn’t want to (and it is her decision - and not one that she should be guilted into making), try to encourage her to take photos of her neck, so she has a record of what he did.

In the past, when I haven’t wanted to take something further, but did want a record, I have emailed a description of what happened to myself. That way, I have what is effectively a date stamped account, if I either want to take it further, or need to take it further. Perhaps you could encourage your DD to do this, OP, if she doesn’t want to go to the police?

Strangulation is illegal, there is no safe way to strangle someone - and he actually told her he's into coercive control, which is also illegal. As per pp take photos of the bruising, and help and encourage her to report to the police.

Just because she didn't tell him to stop doesn't mean she agreed to it, I would imagine in those circumstances she was terrified of making him angry.

You need to have a good chat to her to find out why she went along with it and why she didn't feel she could stop him/say no .... I'm absolutely not blaming her in any way at all, this isn't her fault, but I would need to ask her this.

I also say this as a mum to a DD in her mid 20s who has low self esteem and some of her relationships have been awful 😟

Thank you for this. I will not her force her to go to the police but encourage her to take pictures and keep record of what he did etc. she is still sleeping now. I hope she doesn’t want to go back to him when she wakes up!!

You can advise her but I agree with you that you shouldn't go to the police behind her back, that's taking control of the situation away from her and could be very traumatic as police investigations can be very invasive. She needs to want to pursue that route.

If she's ready, you could encourage her to speak to Rape Crisis or a similar charity to make an informed decision about how to proceed, and meanwhile just be there for her, make sure she knows it wasn't okay and wasn't her fault.

Why are you most worried that he wouldn’t ejaculate inside her? That’s a strange thing to be concerned about vs strangulation.

A few weeks? If it was me, I probably wouldn't go to the police but I would definitely stop seeing the man.

It's very good that she's so open with you though.

Thank you for this. She has had little relationship experience tbh. A couple of fling type of things but no proper relationship. She is 22 and he is 40. Which concerns me a lot.

I am of course worried about the strangulation too all of it is awful. I just thought the he wouldn’t ejaculate inside her if she doesn’t orgasm for him etc sounded like blackmail etc

It’s not blackmail because why would she care if he ejaculated in her? Surely it’s better that he didn’t?

Removing himself from the sex is entirely his choice for whatever weird reason he likes. If he were saying for example that she had to orgasm or he would make her do something then that would be a threat. But removal of himself isn’t a threat.

Focus on any acts that he did that she didn’t consent to. Not what he chose to do with his body away from her.

Yes, when she wakes up I will see what her thoughts are on the situation. Does she need to see a gp for the strangulation? It is obviously dangerous I know that but can it cause damage etc?

I'd be suggesting she contact the police under Clare's Law. I suspect at 40 he'll be known for doing similar to other women and your daughter's account may save another woman too.

Erm why does she need him to ejaculate inside her? It's probably a terrible idea. I would say he's a creep for sure but 'punishing' someone by not ejaculating issue them when they are not TTC isn't really a thing?!

It's well known that men who strangle are more likely to kill their partners. This is more worrying imo. If she decides to keep seeing him make sure she does a Clare's Law application. I bet he is known to the police.

I'm so sorry OP, what a horrible situation.

She doesn’t care about the ejaculation. I just thought it was very odd and blackmailing sounding. She is on contraception and I am of course pleased he didn’t ejaculate.

Is there a SARC near you? That would be a good place to go to, they are understanding that a woman may need support and help in this situation and time to consider whether to report or not, and can help with reporting if she decides to do that.

Yes, I just googled there is one in our city. Shall I ring them or encourage her too??

Oh op, you must be so worried but your daughter sought your help and did the right thing. I think it would be a good idea to see the Gp, to make sure no physical damage and make clear in her mind this was assault.

Apparently this is increasingly common and some young men and women are thinking strangulation is a normal part of sex due to porn. Just listen to her and correct any wrong ideas she has about that, and make clear that just because she didn’t say stop, she didn’t consent to this. Saying he is into coercive control is very worrying, as is his age. He knows this is a crime.

If she doesn’t wish to press charges, another option is a clares law request - that way the police will become aware of ‘soft intelligence’ about him, and your daughter will get to hear if he’s come into contact with the police before, which I hope he has.

Does she need to see a gp for the strangulation?

Yes. Bruising can cause swelling which can narrow her airways. Please go and check up on her while she is sleeping and make sure her breathing sounds okay.

He's 40, she's early 20s, he's picked your DD for her youth and inexperience because it will be easier for him to control her. Talk to her Op, explain that this isn't normal and if they she stays with him it won't just be sexual control, he will take over her life.
There's a lot of far better man than him, don't let him use her inexperience against her