Asking for a divorce

[Sneedsdoing]

I have read a few threads recently about unhappy marriages, manipulative DHs, financial and emotional abuse. The wife is talking either about asking for divorce or having asked in the past and being talked round to staying.

I am mildly annoyed by the passive turn of phrase - asking is like seeking permission. Why do people say this? The law allows you to divorce if one party want to, so why ask? Just tell him it’s happening….

It's really not as easy as 'just get a divorce' though, is it?

It has a lot to do with the abusive parts you called out in your OP. If you've been made to feel like a second class citizen in your own home, you may feel scared to raise divorce or lack the confidence to state it and simply act. Your confidence is shot. If you are used to asking permission to exist, it shouldn't be a surprise that you feel you need permission to leave.

@Gladystheimpaler I have been there myself, extremely emotionally abusive ex. My point is when you are ready to make that statement and deal with consequences, asking for divorce is only going to get you more abuse, even if it is disguised as something else temporarily. Asking is pointless in the long run.

And @Shittyyear2025 it is not easy, but it still does not require asking, you can proceed with just one parties consent. Negotiations of terms can be presented as asking, but the fact of it going ahead does not need to be phrased as asking. And I hope your 2026 is going better, I genuinely mean it.

My post is not to antagonise but to make women feel more aware of their power.

I''m really glad you were able to leave your situation, I've been there too and I know how much strength it takes. I do know what you are saying, of course legally you don't need to ask permission. But it doesn't feel like that at the time, and when someone is a brilliant manipulatoe you can be talked out of it over and again.

Whilst you don’t need permission or a reason you do need the other person to agree to move forward with a divorce, if they don’t it can drag on and on.

So from that perspective yes you are asking the other person to agree to a divorce.

See my post above, if the person you’re divorcing doesn’t agree to move forward when you submit the paperwork its a long, drawn out process.

I imagine many women in abusive relationships or anyone at the point of wanting a divorce could be in a situation where their partner won’t easily agree.

I think it’s just a turn of phrase - you say to him, “I can’t do this any more: we need to get divorced.” He then tries to talk you round and someone else says, “I thought you were going to ask him for a divorce”, which amounts to: “I thought you were going to tell him you wanted a divorce.” The thing is, unless you are married to someone extremely reasonable (in which case, you are unlikely to want to be divorcing), saying you wanted a divorce and getting divorced are two very different things, and there can be a long and painful path between the two points.

Probably goes back to pre 2022 years in England when you needed grounds for divorce

I actually have a male friend whose wife left him last year. She has recently started the divorce proceedings and he is quite hung up on the fact that she didn't 'ask'. I know he is upset (understandably) but I'm trying to get him to see that the best thing to do is to be reasonable and follow proceedings. I agree that the 'ask' vocabulary needs to go.

I recon there's still a lot of guilt/shame and the feeling of duties failed attached to divorce, particularly for women when there's children involved. It doesn't just come down to 'i am unhappy' as being a good enough reason to spilt your family up.

People also talk about failiure a lot, 'my marriage failed'. There's a lot of stigma in the language.

I think recent changes have made this easier.

Financial settlement on the other hand..

You don't ask your husband, you ask the judge. You can only get divorced if the judge grants it.