To want to go back to england with 5 kids and pregnant

[tryingtogohome]

Hi sorry if this is all over the place

I live in Poland with my partner who is Polish and we have 5 boys 15 11 5 3 and 10 months and im pregnant again 25 weeks

I keep thinking about leaving him and going back to England but then i think im being stupid because ive been here so long and dont even know where id start anymore.

I dont really have anybody. No family. I grew up in care and havent spoken to anyone from my past for years and years.

Things have got worse between me and my partner. Hes always saying what a real man should be and boys shouldnt cry and things like that. My 15 year old argues with him constanly now and the whole house feels tense all the time.

This is going to sound silly but i keep feeling like this baby is a girl and every time i say it he gets annoyed. Not shouting just annoyed and says he doesnt want a daughter and what would he do with a girl and says hopefully im wrong. Maybe im overreacting but it upsets me more than it should.

I dont know if its hormones.

I keep looking at Doncaster and Rotherham and Sheffield on my phone when everyone is asleep and then crying because i dont even know if my children could go to school there after living here all this time or where we would live.

I know people will say leave if youre unhappy but it isnt that easy when youve got this many children and no money and nowhere to go.

Am i being unreasonable wanting to go back to England or does this sound completly mad after 11 years away

Sorry this is a mess.

It doesnt sound mad at all, whether its doable is another question. I really feel for you

Do you speak Polish? Do you have friends there?

Do it. You will be helped when you get here. Get away from him.

My concern would be....are you even able to take the children out of Poland without his permission? I know in the UK that both parents have to consent to take kids out of the country. It may be different in Poland?

Would your partner consider moving to England, even just temporarily, could you persuade him to take a year out there? It would then be much easier for you if you chose to end your relationship. The kids would already be in the UK.

This is a dangerous statement- helped specifically by who? Housing shortages mean she may end up with nowhere to stay with 5 children and heavily pregnant. Likely a hotel room at present at best. I really feel for you op, but you need some planning, cash and help at the other side to make this work. Could you call women’s aid from your home to ask what your options maybe if you do leave? Do you have money for flights? Are you planning to leave without informing your partner, and if so what are the repercussions of that? You need to think this through and get some cold hard facts before you do absolutely anything!

It really depends on whether any of the children are his (presumably the pregnancy is but what about the other children?) Do they have British passports? If not then it's difficult for you to remove them from Poland to the UK as Poland is part of the Hague Convention, meaning that you may be required to return any children that are his.

As a care leaver in a dangerous situation in another country? She will be helped - it wont be pretty, youll be in temporary accommodation for a long while, but it might be better than your situation now.

Think it through but if you feel you need to come home then do so, imo.

Edit - as above, i'd check the legalities of the kids being taken from Poland.

But by who?

The state. Yes, i said it.

I can say, with a lot of confidence, conviction and professional experience- it’s 100% not guaranteed nor always possible.

You need a plan before coming home- do not, whatever you do, rely on the state welcoming you back with open arms ready to help. This social crisis very real, in dire straits. I’m not saying don’t come back, I’m saying don’t jump from one bad situation straight into another.

With 5, soon to be 6 children, you need a plan.

Even if she is English she might not be entitled to any help. If you are out of the country for more than a certain time you need to prove your entitlement again.

We are both saying the same thing - she will get helped into temporary accommodation. It wont be walking into an established home but as a care leaver with young British citizens (which they would be, as she is British) they would be given something.

Probably the most important thing here irrespective of benefits and living options is to establish whether:

1. You are allowed to take the kids out of Poland
2. Whether he will cooperate on that

Okay well thats my suggestion if she feels unsafe having his daughter.

They aren't necessarily British citizens formally

I do speak Polish, not perfectly but enough for day to day things and appointments and schools etc. I didnt when i first came here but i do now.

I dont really have any friends though. I had a couple years ago but not anymore. Everyone sort of drifted away and i dont really go anywhere without the children now.
All of the children are his. They were all born in England apart from the baby who is 10 months. He came early at 31 weeks and was in hospital for a while and thats part of whats panicing me this time because im pregnant again and keep worrying the same thing will happen.

I dont know about passports off the top of my head because my head is all over the place today. The older boys definitely have British passports. I think the younger ones do as well but I'd have to check.

Something happened yesterday that i cant stop thinking about. I went out with the baby and when i got back my partner had shaved my 3 year olds hair off. He had lovely little curls and now half his head is basically shaved. He said it was only hair and he was messing about but my little boy was crying and didnt want anyone looking at him.

Maybe that sounds stupid compared to bigger problems but it really upset me. Hes only 3.

No- you said ‘leave, you’ll get help when you get here’ and I’m saying get your facts straight and have a firm plan before you do anything at all. It’s very different indeed.

I can quite see why you're not happy but it sounds quite unlikely that he would give you permission to return to the UK with the children. Do you think he would?

On a more practical note - do you have access to contraception? The more children you have, the harder it will be to leave. How do you feel about this baby being the last?

Okay fine, well I stand by what I said and wish op the best. I think she would be helped if needed, as she is british and has young children.

It doesnt sound like he's actively abusing her atm but if you are feeling afraid or unsafe op, then come back.

Yes temporary acommodation isnt the best, but its something and its a way home.

All the best to you op x

I don’t think being a care leaver would give you any priority in the UK. It means you get help for a while, and as a foster carer the kids we had were given help for a few years, but as an adult it wouldn’t

No idea where that GIF came from. It’s entirely unwanted. I tried to delete it but was unable to

That sounds horrible re shaving your 3 year old head. Ifs like he wants an army of little skinheads or something :(

Do you have anyone at all in the UK you could contact? A cousin, a longlost friend?