AIBU to struggle when my ex speaks badly about me to DC?

[Paperclipscookies]

How do you deal with the other parent constantly talking badly about you to DC? I have a feeling of dread in my stomach when they come back because I know they are about to tell me what awful things have been said about me and my partner this time. DC has previously told me my ex’s partner gets annoyed because they are constantly talking about me. It’s been ten years and I wish I could just shut it off and not care

This is emotional abuse - I simply wouldn’t send my kids

Have you asked him to stop talking about you? Maybe ask him to give you a call if he has something to say? Or ask him does he enjoy talking to children about his concerns ?

I deal with similar (but 5 years on). You can't change your ex's behaviour, that's clear. What you can do is:

1. Make sure you do not feel obliged to counter every allegation they make to the kids (clearly not good for the kids). Just let the kids know you are there for them, and that you and your ex had disagreements, and it is not for them to worry about.
2. Trust your kids. They will see who shows up for them. It does their relationship with him damage, not your relationship with them.
3. Distance yourself from the ranting. If he is ranting ten years on, he is the pathetic one. You will just have to develop a thicker hide.

Once it became clear his rants were not affecting my relationship with my DC, I now find the rants funny, honestly! They get more outrageous each time.

You can't reason with these kind of people, in my experience. My court order even has a 'non-denigration' clause. Makes not a blind bit of difference.

OP that sounds really tough, I'd feel the same in your situation. I hate the fact he's trying to bring your kids into grown up bad feelings. Depending on how old the kids are I think I'd say 'well me and your Dad disagree on lots of things, but one thing we agree on is how much we love you'. It pushes back on his stupid comments but in a gentle way.

I’ve tried confronting him and he denies it and calls DC a liar etc! Which then upsets DC so I’ve given up because he will always “be right” and get the last word. We have 50:50 at the moment but DC want to be with me full time and say the day they turn 16 that’s what they will do. He’s ruined his bond with them but instead of trying to repair it he just can’t seem to stop!

I have exactly this. How old are your DC? They will choose well before 16. My DC is already choosing to spend less and less time at his (and he's 13). Ofcourse ex accuses me of 'brain washing' etc, but the truth is no kid wants to listen to their parent rant about their other parent.

Not the point of your post but if you’re in England then a judge would allow the kids to choose how much contact they had with each parent from around age 11/12.

@Paperclipscookies personally I wouldn’t approach this with him directly as it’s letting him know that his children have discussed it with you making things difficult for them perhaps whilst in his care.

secondly what age are the children. Courts will listen to children from the ages of 11-13 quite often with regards to their wishes.

if the children stopped going because maybe they refused to - what would he do? Would he go to court for access?

What if you told your child, that they didn't need to tell you what he says, you aren't worried or sad about what he thinks of you. You are there to talk about how that makes them feel if they want to but its not important for you to know all the details unless they feel unsafe.

They don’t have to wait till they’re 16.
I was told that kids vote with their feet around 11/12: it was true for DD.

Your dc are old enough to vote with their feet. If they don’t want to go to their dad and you are forcing them, that’s emotional abuse. You let them choose. And you support them so they can feel safe. Don’t dump all your baggage on them to carry because you won’t stand up to this loser.

My exh did this. When our dc were old enough (young teens) I sat them down and explained that their dad shouldn’t be saying nasty things and that I don’t talk about him in a derogatory way. Then asked how they felt we should deal with it. Son said he walks away when dad starts. Daughter says she’d like to tell him to stop when it starts.

next time he went on a rant both dc stick together and firmly told him they didn’t want to hear, and that mum never even mentions him let alone says anything bad. He stopped slagging me off in their presence

I wonder if your children went to a teacher and told them how distressing it is for them, his nastiness about you, his anger towards them, could it help?

The teacher would likely report it and it could trigger a review of arrangements?
Could you find out who is the Safeguarding lead in their school?

It worked for one of my daughters friends when she told a teacher in her private school, that her father threw a shoe at her mum and it hit her.
She told her friends who went to their Year Head.
She was very upset and crying.
Safeguarding in the school reported it, police involvement, and Dad was out of the house immediately.
They are now divorced.
He had been abusing the mother for years, controlling etc.
She had wanted a divorce but he refused, saying he would take the children.
When things went very public, he suddenly agreed to everything and moved out of the family home.
Abuse thrives in secrecy.
These arseholes do not like being exposed.
He was the talk of the place.
He never went near the school again, but it has followed him.
His son was in my friends sons class and I made sure she knew.

Are you sure the kids aren’t stirring? They are the ones telling you hurtful things.

make it clear to them not to pass things on .. don’t tell him about you or you about him.

of course if anything happening there that is dangerous ti them, then that is different

I don’t have the funds to take him to court and if I kept DC (12) with me and said they don’t want to see him there would be hell to pay. He’d call the police or show up to school at pick up or take it out on DC 😩

Does DC need to wait until 16? Can s/he not initiate this earlier?

Are DC’s views as a 13/14 year old ignored by the court? I don’t know anything about this, but given that under 16s are considered competent in many health matters why do they need to wait until 16 before their preference cannot be countermanded by the parent they don’t want to live with?

You need to know that the courts take the wishes of a young person into account before 16. Age and understanding comes into play. In health there is the idea of being 'Gillick competent" to make decisions as a young person and most case law (for young people who don't have additional needs) suggests that this can be around 14 in chronological age terms. The family courts don't have a specific age and should work in the best interests of the young person, 16 is an upper limit (as in it's quite hard to deny a 16 yr old the autonomy to say no), but not a 'rule'

Hey....totally understand.
Had this for years with my ex.
Firstly and honestly..find a counsellor to off load to and help re wire and calm your nervous system. It triggers so many sparks when someone you trusted and pr9bably made loads of sacrifices for😫..acts like the victim.

Yes..Kids may believe it at the time and yes it hurts. Its awful as it's untrue and awful because it's placing the children in emotional danger and the fact the paretns should both be trying to say and do what's right for their children(not using them as tools to hurt the other)
As they grow, they start t0 make own decisions.

If it helps at all, my ex told the kids id had affairs, that I'd refused to work, that I spent all the money, that I lied all the time/ wasn't truthful, that they'd have to wait until they were pld enough to see the REAL me and find out the truth etc etc.it was utterly bizarre.
I'm autistic and one the tisms I'm rather learning to love is that I am unable to lie. Literally can't. Of course everyone's truths and the way they see a situation is different, but over time I made sure I would listen (never angry) and then id say "im very sorry that daddy has the need to tell you these things that he must think are true" or " kids im sorry you had to hear all of this again".

I got it wrong of course i did (a lot) and had a few tears and when it first started ...he was dating and on swinging sites reallt quickly and taking kids to meet casual partners (yes,honestly) and also would tell the kids to lie etc..

Keep going and br consistent....It opens up a really positive communication beyween you snd the kdis. Itll take a while but youre mum and here for the ling haul. Try not to worry dayto day.

I now have almost all adult children and one has no contact, 2nd openly says his dad is a wally and not a proper dad and there third one really isn't that bothered either way. Its a shame as we are a small family as it is!!
The best bit is that I know my conscience is clear.

Keep being you. Please try not to let it under your skin. He is doing it to hurt you and the kids..especially as they grow older and have own kids, they wont put up with it. My oldest has children and that's the one who hardly speaks to him.
He remembers all of it xx