To feel guilty about taking a sabbatical for 6 months when ASD child is in schooling?

[13MAPARTHELL]

So my child is 5 & has PDA and ASD

PDA is extremely difficult

it takes time, mind games, reframe, energy & more!

i also have a 4 year old, I had been struggling with burnout & taking time off due to holidays (partner is self employed and the money we would lose means it is always me essentially)

going through the process of trying to get my child help, is hard & my work are flexible to a degree it is also a WFH job. BUT, my job is in safeguarding & i found myself working in my home thinking I have so much safeguarding of my own to do!

constantly sat looking at all the jobs that need to be done in the home, but never having time to actually do them!

he goes to school, but he does refuse often & i know for certain that things will get far worse come year 1, teacher changes & school work increase

my child who starts in September has 3 weeks of ‘settling’ all wild random hours, after the summer, and then all the stay and plays and this and that!

i want to take the time to delve deeper into things that would help my child, do things i cant do while he is here, focus on my mental health and regulation & go the gym & cook etc

i just cannot shake the guilt!

It’s not clear what you’re feeling guilt about — are you able to take a six-month sabbatical from work? Will your partner be able to support the family while you’re not earning?

I feel guilty for not working when my child is at school & I can work, ive never not worked since i was 16! Yes work have agreed to this, and it is of course less money but I smartly pre booked some things so we do have a couple of butlins trips and a holiday this year

we also recently got approved DLA worth 1k a month which will really help

Do it. You’re not leaving them to go to a yoga retreat for 6 months.
you’re getting yourself well, getting on top of the support your eldest needs and settling your youngest into school.

still sounds like a lot of work to me. Do it.

Were you the one taking on more of the load than your husband? Happier less stressed you will benefit the whole family. Don't feel guilty. If the benefit you receive allows u or your husband to work.less this will benefit the whole family. Go easy on yourself OP.

If you can take a sabbatical, do! You sound burnt out.

You feel guilty because you know your child uses your nervous system to regulate his own,.so for 5 years you've pushed yourself to spend every minute you can with him because you can help and settle him in all the ways only you know how. I know that because I've lived and to an extent AM still living it. My son sounds similar to yours and 4-6 was very very rough because they get beyond the toddler stage and you start to feel less understand more judgement and having to face that there are differences from expected development etc.

Take the sabbatical. Take it, take a deep breath and push the guilt away! It's taken me years to realize what I'm about to tell you. You still matter. Your well-being is so massively important to not just you but your whole family. Your time while he is in school, in the care of trained professionals (ones I hope you can trust as much as I trust those at my son's school) you've given every ounce of yourself getting to his point, you won't survive much longer if you keep doing it.

I didn't take a sabbatical but I had 6 months of counselling and reduced my hours for a year and put my youngest in nursery and extra day (thank goodness she's the kind of child who actively loves getting to nursery with her pals and isn't upset being dropped off and thrives on a few hours independence) and it brought me back to life. And now I'm able to deal with school meetings, hospital appointments etc and also finding activities that suit a boy who needs a lot of physical outlet but struggles in lots of settings, who needs a mix of constant mental and physical outley, structured routine and frequent calm.

What my counsellor told me is that nothing improves a child outcome as much as their parents being mentally well. Your mental health is a gift to all of you.

Anyway sorry for rabbiting on and making it about me, I'm sure your journey has plenty of differences but take the time and let the gult go!

Yes defo, he goes to work, comes home and plays with the kids, its good but sometimes i feel the mental strain of being the only one to do EVERYTHING else while working is ALOT, i mean currently im going through 3 complaint processes with different authorities & trying to get an EHCP etc, oh and I do university!

no your right, i feel less bad!

Thank you so much, and yes 100% to everything that you said! Because ultimately I finish work (a mentally challenging job) & by the time I collect him, and he kicks off - i already have 0 capacity! I snap, I shout, I say things (ADHD myself) on impulse when drained that absolutely keeps me up at night, and I know its on me & the pressure of that, and work also needing me, just feels too much! I hope that it can offer me some relief, and in 6 months I will know what I can cope with, and what will work best for our family!

i hope you and your family are doing well! X

We're doing well and we're doing not well 😂 he manages school, some sports has a small circle of good friends. He has meltdowns only very occasionally now. I manage to work in a demanding job and do some study and get some time one on one with each child. My husband does his share of drop offs and pick ups and bedtimes which helps morale and our relationship massively. Try to work out where your husband CAN contribute, it took a lot of communication over months and years for us to make things more equal but it helps everyone.

Definitely. Take that sabbatical and get healthy before you break. It is so tough parenting a child with ASD and PDA. My DD has both and I’m a single parent. I got to breaking point. Things are much better now that she’s a bit older and I do things to keep myself mentally healthy. Good luck and I love Velume’s counsellor’s advice. Spot on.

If you’re on the highest rated for DLA (it sounds like you are) your child’s needs are very significant. That takes its toll no matter how much you love them. If you can take a sabbatical, absolutely do it. Just because you technically can work doesn’t mean you need to - the early stages of school bring their own challenges which will take yet more time and headspace. Give yourself the gift of time.