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AIBU?

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Original poster

I now do not want to give a statement re domestic violence

3 replies

Alltheducksandgeese · Today 02:04

I got contacted by a woman on social media who is the current partner of a man i lived with for two years, 16 years ago.
She said she has gone to the police about his violence towardsher and if i had anything to add to back her up could i please contact the police as she doesnt feel she is believed.
Well i felt very sorry for her and i do believe her as thisman was physically and sexually violent to me throughout our relationship. I genuinely thought he would kill me in the end.
So i assured her i would contact the police and tell them that shes telling the truth. I also sent a message to a woman he waa dating before me. He had said at the time 'oh she spreads lies about me' so i now think he was probably violemt to her. Thiswas confirmed when she responded and said she will also contact the police.
I felt ok about doing this at the time i did it. I was glad to help her even though ive never met her. But i thoughtthat my evidence would just beincluded in her case.
The police got in touch and said they are wanting to treat me as a seperate victim with my own case. I felt pressured to agree as they said thisis the best way to support the other two women.
However i am now incredibly anxiousabout it. I would never have gone to the police if id not been approached. Because i viewed it as pointless and traumatic. I have absolutely no evidence and my memories arent very coherent either as it was so long ago and i was also taking drugs alot at that time in mh life.
My way of dealing with itwas just to move on and not think of it again. I blamed myself at the time.
My life is very different now. Im clean. Im married with 3 beautiful children. I own a house and have a goodjob.
Im terrified of this all being raked up again. Im embarrassed and ashamed. And i dont know whats going to come of it? Am i just going to have to say all this traumatic stuff only to be told im lying as theres no proof? Which i knew there wasnt anyway which is why ive never bothered to say anything.

If anyone has any experience of a similar situation and could tell me whst to expect id be very grateful.
I feel like backing out of the whole thing but i dont want to let these other women down

OP posts:
Pansykavalier · Today 02:14

I have no experience of DV but in your shoes I would contact Women’s Aid for advice. I believe Southhall Black Sisters is another big charity that might be able to help.

CocoaTea · Today 02:17

I am so sorry for what you experienced.

I am glad to hear that you have found a way to move forward in your life and a better one at that from what you wrote; it's lovely that you have your own family and a clean life now.

I am not an expert in any way at all (just a trauma survivor) but your post did read as though you feel obligated to do something for other women, yet you feel fear about what will happen when this all comes out. All of these things are completely understandable.

Is there any support you can get around this to help you unpick your thoughts? Do you have access to counselling via Employee Assistance and / or the GP? Or Pvt medical if you have it as NHS waiting lists can be long in some areas.

I really am not an expert but I am so sad that you are so stuck in this place where you are rightfully concerned about the impact on your own life but also feel obligated to do something to assist the other victims.

I don't think it's healthy for you to carry that guilt. They have their cases and they need to walk their own journey. I don't think you should be pressured into making a statement unless you feel ready to do so in your own esteem. I think you need to be given the time and space to figure out what these new cases are bringing up for you and you should take all the time you need - hence me suggesting therapy. Perhaps you will land in the same place - that you don't want to upturn your life. Perhaps you will be motivated to take a different path where you do in fact file a case against your abuser. Neither option is wrong in my view.

I do hope you can get some help to navigate this.

Also wanted to say that your drug use does not make it okay that you were abused. You didn't deserve that.

You also don't deserve to be pressured in any way - in either direction.

I am not sure if this post makes any sense or is any way helpful but if you can't already tell it resonates for me on a personal level with many similarities.

Sending you strength as you navigate this. I hope you have access to better help than a random on the internet.

Sending you best wishes.

Original poster
Alltheducksandgeese · Today 02:20

CocoaTea · Today 02:17

I am so sorry for what you experienced.

I am glad to hear that you have found a way to move forward in your life and a better one at that from what you wrote; it's lovely that you have your own family and a clean life now.

I am not an expert in any way at all (just a trauma survivor) but your post did read as though you feel obligated to do something for other women, yet you feel fear about what will happen when this all comes out. All of these things are completely understandable.

Is there any support you can get around this to help you unpick your thoughts? Do you have access to counselling via Employee Assistance and / or the GP? Or Pvt medical if you have it as NHS waiting lists can be long in some areas.

I really am not an expert but I am so sad that you are so stuck in this place where you are rightfully concerned about the impact on your own life but also feel obligated to do something to assist the other victims.

I don't think it's healthy for you to carry that guilt. They have their cases and they need to walk their own journey. I don't think you should be pressured into making a statement unless you feel ready to do so in your own esteem. I think you need to be given the time and space to figure out what these new cases are bringing up for you and you should take all the time you need - hence me suggesting therapy. Perhaps you will land in the same place - that you don't want to upturn your life. Perhaps you will be motivated to take a different path where you do in fact file a case against your abuser. Neither option is wrong in my view.

I do hope you can get some help to navigate this.

Also wanted to say that your drug use does not make it okay that you were abused. You didn't deserve that.

You also don't deserve to be pressured in any way - in either direction.

I am not sure if this post makes any sense or is any way helpful but if you can't already tell it resonates for me on a personal level with many similarities.

Sending you strength as you navigate this. I hope you have access to better help than a random on the internet.

Sending you best wishes.

Thankyou x

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