AIBU to wonder why I still want to feel attractive?

[Sneedsdoing]

NC for this. I am a fit and healthy woman, pushing 48, comfortably married, DH is 55. We are very affectionate but despite both being in physically great shape, sort of CBA with sex. Used to love it, but neither of us seem bothered any more. I am on HRT for 2 months and feel better, but hasn’t made a difference in this respect.

DH definitely cares less about his appearance (impeccable hygiene), used to enjoying shopping but now finds it a chore.

I am on the contrary - for the first time in many years can afford to buy what I want and have been spending a lot more time and money on my appearance - clothes, accessories, haircuts, skincare. Partly, because I enjoy these and partly putting up the fight against aging. I want to look like I still “have it” at work too, not over the hill. I want DD to think of me as sassy. I enjoy the occasional appreciative glance, especially from a woman clocking in my nice outfit. All harmless.

The confusing part is why do I still want to look and feel attractive if the sexual appetite is not there? What is the point? Does anyone else feel like this?

Not really no. I’m clean, mostly presentable. Hair always done. A little make up. But fashion? Nope. Fuck that noise. I suppose I could pass muster for a special occasion but I tend to avoid those like the plague as well 😂

I think this is a bit odd. Looking and feeling good about myself are not just about sex. It's more to do with self esteem and feelings of self worth. I think there is a difference between 'sexy' clothes and feeling well put together.

Perhaps you do want sex but not with your DH?
Perhaps you just like being admired?
Perhaps when you look good you feel great and it has nothing to do with anyone else or sex?

What’s it got to do with sex? Being groomed and taking care of your appearance is in and of itself fine - it’s not about being sexually attractive.

It's an ego boost if someone fancies you, even if you don't want to do anything about it. That's ok to admit! I have zero libido, but when someone gives me the eye it's nice to know I've still got it, even if I don't want it 🤣

I’m 55 and I enjoy putting on a nice dress or outfit, a bit of makeup and going out. I’m fortunate in that my partner often compliments me. That’s enough for me.

Are you British, @Sneedsdoing ?

Out of interest, what does this have to do with the question? I was going to comment but feel like I'm missing something, now?

I think the two things are completely different. You want the confidence boost from feeling and looking great and that’s ok. I’m similar, I think I take more
care now on my appearance because I don’t have the advantage of youth or a fast metabolism naturally so now I have to work at it more whereas I took it for granted when I was younger.

It sounds like your self worth is rooted in your external appearance and other people’s validation of that. All your post is about outward appearance - in good physical shape; both used to enjoy shopping as a pastime and you still do; getting appreciative glances.

Nothing wrong with having externally located self esteem / identity per se. It should be acknowledged as fragile, though, and you could work on balancing it and finding sources if internal self worth.

(I am also like you, btw, so none of that is a criticism.)

I like to look good for me and nobody else!

I’ve been on testosterone a few months and I can feel my libido increasing. Just a little bit but I feel it’s going in the right direction! I’m mid 40’s and still care about my appearance. I’m invisible to men now but I love fashion and still buy nice clothes that make me feel good, it’s still important to me to look nice as it gives me a boost, I feel more confident and put together.

You are overthinking it. You have heard on here, and been conditioned to think that being attractive and maintaining it is to attract male attention.

It's not.

I am the vainest I have ever been in my 50's. I work hard to look good, and good job this is anonymous 😜but I think I am bloody gorgeous. I do it to feel good about myself and I want to be a fit elderly person like my parent who at 90 goes the gym every day and their whole week is spend doing sport.

I know this because I am not interested in sex anymore, and I go about my day avoiding men and engaging with them. I definitely do not want any attention off them. I don't as I am over 50, but on the rare occasion I do get any it is unwanted and I shut it down immediately. I just want to be a polished and well kept version of myself, for myself.

Self-respect.

“Comfortably married” stood out for me. It’s a pretty odd expression. I wonder how happy you are in your relationship.