Dilemma about dates of visitor

[WordOfTheDay]

I'm confused about what to do in this situation. I live in a different European country. My brother recently mentioned that he would like to come and visit me and my DP (he has been over for very short trips a couple of times with his then young sons years ago). I said that he is more than welcome, but would need to stay in a hotel and as we are not set up for guests. That's no problem. We live outside a small town with no hotel and he would be staying in a hotel that is a bit away.

My DP is retired and is organising a day with his extended family (30 people): lunch at our house on 4 July and devising a puzzle car rally (he is away now and can only resume work on this mid-month). My brother would like to come between now and the end of June (I had said June was fine to him). My DP has always been iffy about a visit in that period as he feared he/we would be tied up with the preparations, but he reluctantly agreed that my brother could come then after my brother said it would be the perfect time for him. Today, my brother has come back with dates and is suggesting 4/5 days, which is longer than I thought it be would.

I am now a concerned about the length, and my partner is concerned as he might not be free and he doesn't want the pressure hanging over him. I feel awful about asking my brother to reschedule until after the rally, having led him up until now to believe that we were enthusiastic about this period (he is off work from 19 June to the end of the month). Having discussed with my DP, he strongly wants me to tell my brother it doesn't suit after all. I feel it's very difficult to do that having encouraged him up until now. I think my brother will probably have more work pressure over the summer, although I also know he gets a few days off fortnightly or something (he's a pilot).

My DP is now annoyed that I am so resistant to simply explaining it doesn't suit, but up until my brother suggested his dates today, we had accepted in our minds that he was coming over in this period (but had mistakely assumed for only 2/3 days). I don't know what to do: basically tell my brother not to come until after the rally (very unpleasant of me after all that has been said) or talk to him and possibly accept he comes before the rally (if it is much preferable for him due to his work commitments), but thereby not prioritise my DP's reasable wish to set other dates and put him under pressure he never wanted in the first place. In the couse of discussions today, my DP's position has hardened.

I only have a slightly distant relationship with my brother, so I am not at ease

Help!

m00rfarm
I think your partner is being really precious about his 4th July do. Just let him et on with it and you deal with your brother. How comes HIS family gets to be a priority over YOUR family.

I don’t think it’s a his vs hers- If it has been organised to happen for a while and with so many people I get it- we hosted a family thing a few years ago for about that amount and the backwards and forwards of it was talked about for months beforehand.

I really don't see why you need to reschedule at all! Your partner has plenty of time to organize his event, 4 days won't make a difference and in any case, you can spend lots of time with your brother, im sure it's fine if your partner isn't there the full time.

You really don't sound like you want to see your brother at all. You won't let him stay in your home but your dh can manage to host 30 visitors in it. You are worried about entertaining him without your dh's help. You mention he came to visit once years before. When did you last see him? Do you have much a of a relationship? Do you speak often? Do you actually want this?

Your partner is being really unreasonable @WordOfTheDay.

Can you go and stay in the hotel for the last couple of days of your brother's visit and go on a couple of days out from there.

Your partner seems to be expecting a lot from you and giving nothing in return. I think you need to firmly put your foot down, he is already staying in a hotel.

Both you and dh are unreasonable.

You are unreasonable that you are putting so much expectation on dh to entertain your brother, when he is your brother.

Your dh for trying to control the family and social calender to make it all about his event. If you want your brother to visit as agreed, then he should visit as agreed

Just have a look at some things to do whilst brother is here, and ask if there is anything in particular he wants to do. Then make a plan of how to fill the days, even if a couple are just catching up at your house with a walk to break the day up. Then put the plan to brother

I don't think there should be such a pressure on dh to be free the entire time brother is here...you aren't joined at the hip and as long as he makes an effort to join you for some of the visit, then I'd let him crack on with his planning for car rally and entertain brother myself

I disagree with this a bit.

I think if op wants to maintain a relationship with her brother, she is free to do that. Its her expectation of her partner to do the majority of socialising and entertaining that is the problem.

Op doesn't say that her partner would have a problem with brother coming and op doing the entertaining and hosting, with partner meeting up with them when free, she wants him to be free for the majority of the visit, when that doesn't suit him

I very much think if this was reversed, and op was planning a big event, and her husband suddenly expected her to be free to entertain a member of his family for 5 days, there would be cries tell him to entertain his family and stop expecting op to. Op needs to take responsibility for her brothers visit

I do feel sorry for brother that he is making a big effort and likely expense to visit and op is treating it like a chore

Don’t reschedule your brother. Your dp was fine with this visit when it was for three days - so he spends three days helping you entertain your brother, then goes off and does his event prep on the other two days. Surely you can manage that. Plan what you’re going to do in advance so it feels less overwhelming, if you need to.

I lost sympathy in the opening post when you said you can’t put up your brother for a few nights but you have got space to host 30 people for lunch.
Just be honest and tell your brother he’s not welcome and you are prioritising a fun event for husbands family the next month - because that’s exactly what you’re doing.

Plan some nice days out with your brother. Your DP can either join you or stay home planning his puzzle. None of this has to be a big deal.

Why don’t you just get your brother to join in? He’s family too.

Correct me if I am wrong you are hosting 30 people at home for lunch but have no room for your brother? Your partner doesnt want you to see your brother but you host 40 of his relations? 4/5 days is a massive concern but 3/4 isnt? Just asking for a friend.

What the hell? This is ridiculous.

Thank you everyone. You have really helped. I have confirmed the 5-day visit with my brother. He has booked the hotel and made his travel arrangements. I'm working on nice plans for this trip.

Please don't leave us in limbo. What is a puzzle car rally? I've googled, but it shows a jigsaw puzzle of vintage cars, on repeat.

So you will allow your DH to put his family and other activities ahead of your brother? Wow.

The puzzle rally involves splitting everybody into (multi-generational) teams, each team in a car. They don't know where they are going. Each team receives a set of directions and a list of questions to answer/puzzles to solve. I guess they depart on a staggered timetable or there are different starting points.

Using the directions, the navigate to specific places of interest. They then have to find the answers to questions there/complete some puzzle based on info there/apply a bit of general knowledge. They then navigate on. The team that completes the route quickest and with the most correct answers wins. So, there is a marking system and maybe points are docked for certain things.

The idea is it is a fun activity and the two/three-generations (an 80 year old, his brother's 50 year-old daughter, and his other brother's 18 year-old grandson for instance) in the car get to know each other better and have fun working together.

Also ideally, much animated discussion on where and why people went wrong, how unclear the instructions were etc. afterwards at an early dinner at the restaurant at the end of the route.

It’s basically like what the louts on Top Gear used to do in the 00s. You know when they’d take themselves on random missions to do random shit? It’s like that.

We have a big garden and the downstairs of the house is spacious and open-plan. Upstairs there are only two rooms - our bedroom and a study. Also, I did say lunch at our house, but in fact the idea is to sit in the garden (borrowing extra garden furniture from other people) or, if we have to, indoors (borrowing extra folding chairs). Lunch is actually a lot of sandwiches, quiche slices and cakes, so a light buffet-type set-up.

A car treasure hunt then. Okey dokey. I used to love those growing up in Cornwall as the final venue would always be a big party at a beach. Have fun

Several of you made the point that I shouldn't be looking to my partner so much to entertain my brother and that it was my responsibility and therefore that I should get on with it, leaving my partner to join in for dinners, for example, or for some of the original two or three days we had in mind and not more, if he is indeed running short on time finalising the big family day when my brother is here (finalising the rally, fixing up the garden, shopping, organising food, collecting lent furniture - I'll help but it is very much his thing).

That helped my re-calibrate my thinking. You are right.

P.S. My brother couldn't help with the rally prep. that much - language issues (the draft rally instructions and quiz are not in English), so he can't check that the draft directions are accurate and all that. I have to be kept in the dark about the rally as I will be a participant, so I don't help with it.

That is a car treasure hunt, not any type of rally at all and no it does not take absolutely ages to organise, it certainly doesn’t need anywhere near a month. Devise a route and drive round it a few times thinking up clues on the go and a recheck just before. Your dp is just finding excuses why your brother can’t visit.

Oh and I haven't told my DP yet that the 5-day visit is going ahead. He is away at the moment so will tell him this weekend. He can't object to much, if I am taking on the brunt of the entertaining, so hopefully that will go off okay.

Rally as in multi-hour "race", with navigating to waypoints, but yes "car treasure hunt" is better ("puzzle drive" in the language here). My DP also refers to it as a rally.

I think your DH is being unreasonable. Do his family live in the same country as you? If so, he presumably sees them more frequently than you see your brother? Which makes him sound quite selfish and mean IMO- he’s too busy to support you in having contact with your own family who live further away, while he makes a huge song and dance about his family do and puzzle game. Maybe he could ask the rest of his family to assist with the preparations so that he can spare 5 minutes to spend time with you and your brother together. My family lived close by but my DH was always as enthusiastic about spending time with them as he was with his own family. It’s a normal part of being in an extended family to build relationships with your in-laws and spend time with them (obviously some people’s ILs are terrible twats but that’s a different situation; I’m assuming your DH doesn’t dislike your brother).

And even if his blessed puzzle prevents him from spending time with you and your brother, he is wrong to veto the visit completely.

Sorry- I see I’ve missed some posts. Glad the visit is going ahead.