AIBU to expect well cooked food?

[CrikeyMajikey]

I was a SAHM for 19 years, returning to FT work in recent years. DH was a workaholic; left before the DC woke and came home after they were in bed. It’s killed our relationship but we are where we are and are a good team. DH has retired and taken over the cooking. I’m delighted as I’m absolutely sick of cooking; DC2 was a very fusy eater: ate little veg, no fruit, food couldn’t touch each other, they hated textures = hard work. DC2 is better now but still no touching or fruit. DH enjoys cooking, did a fancy course years ago & thinks he’s great. The problem is he’s actually not very good. The veg are either raw or overcooked and water logged. Tonight he did a pork dish, which took 25 minutes longer than he thought it would so the veg sat in warm water for an additional 25 minutes. I complained as the veg were inedible, DC doesn’t eat the green beans he bought and I don’t eat pork.

DC2 had a right go at me for always moaning at DH about the dinners. I pointed out that for 18 years I have cooked and fed them all, made packed lunches because they wouldn’t eat school dinners, cooked on self catering holidays and is it unreasonable to expect the same consideration from DH now?

YABU - I should just eat it
YANBU - he should try harder

That would really annoy me too.

He’s not had years of practice like you have. Give him a bit more time to catch up! Not everybody is a good cook.

How long has he been cooking? He might be still learning, e.g. that that pork dish actually takes longer. Or that veg is best drained and reheated.

He should try harder, surely he knew you didn’t eat pork? Perhaps DC2 and DH could cook in future while taking everyone’s preferences into consideration? That’s exactly what I’d be suggesting.

"Darling, I'd drain the veg, pop in tje serving dish and blast in the mocrowave for 90 seconds as you dish up".

"Oh, thanks love, that's helpful".

So essentially, your DH cooked a meal which you couldn’t eat - inedible veg, and pork, a meat you don’t consume?

Why was he cooking pork for you if you don’t eat it?

Does he recognise that for 18yrs you’ve catered to the family tastes, but now he’s cooking he just expects you to eat what he serves up, despite its main ingredient being one you don’t eat?

What did your DH say when you said you’d catered to them all for nearly two decades, and that he now needs to cater according to all dietary restrictions?

You don’t eat pork - so what’s he doing serving you up pork?

Did he have anything else made for you to eat or was it just pork and soggy vegetables? I mean my OH would avoid pork and/or at least make me a mushroom omelette or something like that if I’d been working all day.

This is something that drove me bonkers about my ex. So I churn out endless meals that accommodate everyone’s tastes and he did overcooked veg with super fancy sauces but needed lots of praise for stuff that was pretty shit.

Could never just make bolognaise type stuff which everyone eats!

He’s always cooked at weekends, so he’s only new to cooking every evening.

I don’t go in the kitchen when he’s cooking because he uses every utensil and pan, I refuse to get involved or tidy up after him. That’s what I made DC2 do this evening, clean & tidy the kitchen.

He got up and walked out when DC2 and I started our heated discussion about it. Only returning when we’d finished.

He likes to cook on Christmas Day and other fancy cooking days. Perhaps it’s just the mundane days he doesn’t give any thought to.

But why the pork?

Harsh. Think of it like pilot hours.

Even if he cooked once a weekend that is still 52 times cooking to your 313 for every year prior to the swapping of roles.

So as a chef you have 5,947 cook days to his 988 meaning you are 6x the cook he is. It takes practice to be a good cook.

Refusing to get involved is only going to mean you will need to wait another 5,000 days until he is as good a cook as you are. If you cooked with him and gave him tips, he’d come up to speed much faster.

Your DC sees the unfairness of expecting his dad to just bang out meals like you can and then criticising and chalking it up to lack of consideration like all the thousands of days you have perfected the craft of cooking are meaningless, and it’s not a skill that has to be learned. It’s sad when women either devalue women’s work like this to be easy and anyone can instantly do it and do it well or put men on pedestals and act like men are naturally superior at women’s work and so should be able to get good at it in a fraction of the time. Because that is what you’re doing.

Id say he's still learning, as you've been responsible for it for so long. Sounds like he could definitely improve, but it depends what you are saying to him as to if you are unreasonable or not. If your child is standing up for Dad, for you "moaning" at him, you might be being quite rude and critical when it sounds like he's trying.

Sorry but after all those years in a relationship together it’s pretty basic to expect your life partner to know you don’t eat pork.

Why didn’t he drain the veg and re-heat. That’s what I’d do. I think you’ll have to just be brutal, and not eat anything not cooked. I’d be embarrassed to serve raw food.

I don’t eat pork too, that would totally piss me off.

But all that still doesn't explain why he would cook pork for his wife, knowing that his wife doesn't eat pork.

That just seems dismissive, inconsiderate or bloody-minded, especially if the accompaniment was soggy vegetables.

But all that still doesn't explain why he would cook pork for his wife, knowing that his wife doesn't eat pork.

Where does it say he knew? It doesn’t. It says OP doesn’t eat pork and that OP refuses to get involved in anything to do with cooking dinner. The way she wrote it, implies she doesn’t do a weekly menu with him and likely didn’t even bother to relay hers’ and DS current likes/dislikes.

YANBU

You’ve spent years cooking to everyone’s tastes and making sure everyone had well could food they would enjoy.

Now it’s his turn, he has to make similar effort!

Did you ask him why he cooked a meat that you don’t like?

If so, what did he say,

I think you have two problems.

1. Is your DH being unreasonable? I'd say yes. He's had tons of time to learn to cook and obviously can do it if he's been doing it at weekends. A few 'misses' are inevitable but most of us have the grace to apologise if something isn't good/we forget something really basic, like a spouse not eating pork!

2. Was it any of your DS's business to intervene? No, it bloody wasn't. Maybe I am being old-fashioned but what a cheek!

Maybe we'll never know ...

If OP is going to stand in the kitchen, giving him directions and assistance so he doesn't fuck it up, she might as well cook it herself!

A man who had cooked at weekends, is perfectly capable of making a decent basic meal.
I think men want all the glory of cooking the big occasion meals but cba with the drudgery of everyday dinner production! Or they want tons of praise for doing occasionally, what their wives have been doing every day for years!

He should know that his wife doesn't eat pork! There's no excuse for that one.

Thanks all for the reponses, they’ve certainly given me food for thought. To clarify the pork, I don’t like pork. I eat bacon, sausages and ham but don’t eat a joint of pork, roast pork or whatever you call it. I did try to eat it yesterday as I do appreciate him cooking and want to support his efforts, but to me it smells like a farmyard and I just can’t eat it. He knows this! Yep, I’ve asked him 50 times to please not leave the veg soaking, and dozens & dozens of times that DC2 doesn’t eat certain foods. But it just doesn’t seem to be remebered. He cooked a great dinner tonight, I’ve eaten very well.
We do menu plan for the week, everyone chips in with what we fancy. It seems tedious to have to reiterate every week what DC2 doesn’t eat, but clearly that’s what’s needed.

My DH, deceased now, didn’t cook at all. He could make himself beans on toast or ping a microwave meal. If I showed him once how to make bloody scrambled eggs I must have shown him about 50 bloody times. One night I sat there and called out, break eggs etc. I had to get up and leave the room when he started stirring the eggs in the stainless steel pan with an eating fork. I have about 20 wooden spoons and two wooden forks specifically for scrambled eggs. The noise set my teeth on edge. Learned incompetence.

It's cooking veg, not rocket science. Is he a bit thick / absent-minded?