AIBU to expect well cooked food?

[CrikeyMajikey]

I was a SAHM for 19 years, returning to FT work in recent years. DH was a workaholic; left before the DC woke and came home after they were in bed. It’s killed our relationship but we are where we are and are a good team. DH has retired and taken over the cooking. I’m delighted as I’m absolutely sick of cooking; DC2 was a very fusy eater: ate little veg, no fruit, food couldn’t touch each other, they hated textures = hard work. DC2 is better now but still no touching or fruit. DH enjoys cooking, did a fancy course years ago & thinks he’s great. The problem is he’s actually not very good. The veg are either raw or overcooked and water logged. Tonight he did a pork dish, which took 25 minutes longer than he thought it would so the veg sat in warm water for an additional 25 minutes. I complained as the veg were inedible, DC doesn’t eat the green beans he bought and I don’t eat pork.

DC2 had a right go at me for always moaning at DH about the dinners. I pointed out that for 18 years I have cooked and fed them all, made packed lunches because they wouldn’t eat school dinners, cooked on self catering holidays and is it unreasonable to expect the same consideration from DH now?

YABU - I should just eat it
YANBU - he should try harder

That would really annoy me too.

He’s not had years of practice like you have. Give him a bit more time to catch up! Not everybody is a good cook.

How long has he been cooking? He might be still learning, e.g. that that pork dish actually takes longer. Or that veg is best drained and reheated.

He should try harder, surely he knew you didn’t eat pork? Perhaps DC2 and DH could cook in future while taking everyone’s preferences into consideration? That’s exactly what I’d be suggesting.

"Darling, I'd drain the veg, pop in tje serving dish and blast in the mocrowave for 90 seconds as you dish up".

"Oh, thanks love, that's helpful".

So essentially, your DH cooked a meal which you couldn’t eat - inedible veg, and pork, a meat you don’t consume?

Why was he cooking pork for you if you don’t eat it?

Does he recognise that for 18yrs you’ve catered to the family tastes, but now he’s cooking he just expects you to eat what he serves up, despite its main ingredient being one you don’t eat?

What did your DH say when you said you’d catered to them all for nearly two decades, and that he now needs to cater according to all dietary restrictions?

You don’t eat pork - so what’s he doing serving you up pork?

Did he have anything else made for you to eat or was it just pork and soggy vegetables? I mean my OH would avoid pork and/or at least make me a mushroom omelette or something like that if I’d been working all day.

This is something that drove me bonkers about my ex. So I churn out endless meals that accommodate everyone’s tastes and he did overcooked veg with super fancy sauces but needed lots of praise for stuff that was pretty shit.

Could never just make bolognaise type stuff which everyone eats!

He’s always cooked at weekends, so he’s only new to cooking every evening.

I don’t go in the kitchen when he’s cooking because he uses every utensil and pan, I refuse to get involved or tidy up after him. That’s what I made DC2 do this evening, clean & tidy the kitchen.

He got up and walked out when DC2 and I started our heated discussion about it. Only returning when we’d finished.

He likes to cook on Christmas Day and other fancy cooking days. Perhaps it’s just the mundane days he doesn’t give any thought to.

But why the pork?

Harsh. Think of it like pilot hours.

Even if he cooked once a weekend that is still 52 times cooking to your 313 for every year prior to the swapping of roles.

So as a chef you have 5,947 cook days to his 988 meaning you are 6x the cook he is. It takes practice to be a good cook.

Refusing to get involved is only going to mean you will need to wait another 5,000 days until he is as good a cook as you are. If you cooked with him and gave him tips, he’d come up to speed much faster.

Your DC sees the unfairness of expecting his dad to just bang out meals like you can and then criticising and chalking it up to lack of consideration like all the thousands of days you have perfected the craft of cooking are meaningless, and it’s not a skill that has to be learned. It’s sad when women either devalue women’s work like this to be easy and anyone can instantly do it and do it well or put men on pedestals and act like men are naturally superior at women’s work and so should be able to get good at it in a fraction of the time. Because that is what you’re doing.

Id say he's still learning, as you've been responsible for it for so long. Sounds like he could definitely improve, but it depends what you are saying to him as to if you are unreasonable or not. If your child is standing up for Dad, for you "moaning" at him, you might be being quite rude and critical when it sounds like he's trying.

Sorry but after all those years in a relationship together it’s pretty basic to expect your life partner to know you don’t eat pork.

Why didn’t he drain the veg and re-heat. That’s what I’d do. I think you’ll have to just be brutal, and not eat anything not cooked. I’d be embarrassed to serve raw food.

I don’t eat pork too, that would totally piss me off.