Those who had a parent who was largely absent or co parent with a largely absent other parent… any advice?

[Justusss]

Two concerns really.

Ex sees ds every other weekend. He doesn’t have him overnight as he lives so far away and ds doesn’t want to stay in hotel with dad (he’s 4 and a half).

First concern… will this impact ds badly as he grows up? We do talk about dad and do facetime or call him if ds asks (I don’t actively encourage it as I don’t enjoy unnecessary contact with ex). When ex is with him they go for walks or to soft play or do jigsaws in cafe etc. Ex sometimes will take extra days of annual leave to spend more time with him. But largely he’s obviously not part of the day to day and ds will regularly comment in passing that dad is at work.

Second concern… I’ve noticed if I have to put a boundary in place with ds regarding behaviour, he’s started saying he wants his dad. I get this as I’m the bad guy when I’m having to manage behaviour. But he also will say sometimes he misses dad and I will say i understand and that dad is really looking forward to seeing him when he’s done his work. I feel like dad is seen as the preferred parent and when ds gets older he might suddenly want to leave home with me and move to ex. I know this is such a self involved thought and what’s best for ds is what’s important but being totally honest I feel completely broken when I let this idea come into my head as I’ve done absolutely everything for ds, loved and protected him from
the moment I was pregnant, meanwhile ex did next to nothing. I know I shouldn’t let my own feelings be the main thing here but I am struggling with this affection he seems to have for ex over me when I am meeting DS’s every need every day.

i guess these two concerns conflict a little and I just want to make extremely clear that I have and continue to go out of my way to ensure ds spends time with ex. It was me who supported the relationship early on when ex didn’t have a clue.

If anyone has experienced any of this I would really appreciate any words of advice

Im sure I wont be the only one to say this...as he grows, he will learn who really knows him, cares for him, makes his life work. Yes he'll likely have times when he pulls a strop cos Dad is the fun one who doesn't limit his screens, makes him eat his veg etc but its kid stuff. I would say this though...IF at some point when your son is older and he has maintained a decent relationship it isn't completely impossible he might want to live with his dad....Just cos boys and dads. And IF its a good relationship and he'll be parented well, it may not be the most terrible thing. A child has two parents and ultimately if both can share in the upbringing, thats a good thing for them.

I follow the let them ethos when it comes to absent parents.

No child deserves an absent father, or mother, and it shouldn’t be a fight to get them to spend time with them. A decent parent will bend over backwards to make sure they get time with their kid. Move heaven and earth.

My dad left when I was 8, my brother was 6 weeks old. He was an EOW parent, and I’m not kidding you the man was useless. He used to put me and my at the time 2 year old brother in a taxi back to my mums because he couldn’t be arsed driving us back (the 4 miles). When I was marginally older, he’d put us on a bus. We shared beds with my step siblings, sometimes up to 3 in a bed, like it was actual Victorian Britain. Access was court ordered, so my mum dutifully sent us every week, and every week he fucked it up.

Use. Less.

My sister stopped going once she was old enough. I did the same, he never bothered having my brother again. I haven’t seen him in 18 years.

Not one of us miss him, or think he could add any value to our lives. He’s missed a whole world of life experiences with us all - graduations, important birthdays, marriages, 6 grandkids. It is categorically his loss.

Your ex may step up, and that will be genuinely great for your son. Or, he’ll step back - and like I said, let him.