AIBU to feel lonelier after trying to make friends?

[Heath12345]

I’m a little depressed and been feeling like this for a while. I did have a lot of childhood trauma which I’m dealing with. One thing mentioned when speaking about my trauma was how lonely I am. I was advised to get out there and make a network for myself. I was told by this person the mum friends she made when her kids were similar age to mine have lasted her all these years and she would be lost without these women in her life.

I took her advice and arranged a meet up for a few people from DD’s class, known them for about 4 years, not done drinks as a small group but done coffee and larger setting for drinks. It was okay but truthfully I feel even lonelier waking up today and sadder had I not gone. Nothing happened except it was a little awkward to begin with which I keep replaying in my head. I keep worrying about the things I said and I feel upset as listening to their conversations about adulthood their families etc, I feel even more upset about my own upbringing as I didn’t have what they had and I feel even more hurt how my life was compared to theirs.

So my AIBU is am I too broken to have people in my life? Should I stop trying to be normal and doing normal things if the day after I feel even worse?

to make matters worse I did respond to something definitely in context and not out of the blue to something they were talking about and gave my story on the matter to which they probably felt sorry for me (think in terms of them saying how strict their parents were etc. but me turning around and giving details on how I would be left home alone as a toddler and remembering standing in a chair to get water etc.) but I quickly changed the subject and they were happy to move on so no harm done. Being with these normal people made me realise even more how messed up my childhood was and the things I was dealing with.

OP you're not broken or abnormal. Lots of people have awful childhoods, most of us have a mixture of good and bad and some people bury the bad stuff and choose to remember the good. Memories are malleable and not always accurate. It sounds like you had a nice night out with nice people but you're overthinking and worrying that they somehow sense that you're not 'like them'. They probably don't think that at all.

It takes time to build a friendship and it doesn't happen overnight. Resist the urge to overshare and keep it casual at the start. Ask about them and be a good listener - you'd be surprised how unusual it is to find someone who really listens and isn't just waiting to jump in with their own stories!

Have you had any therapy to address your low self-esteem? You sound like a very nice person and it's sad that you feel so down on yourself. You had a rotten childhood but it doesn't have to define you - your life can be what you choose to make it. Be kind to yourself. You're deserving of love and friendship 💐

@whippersnapper55 thank you for responding and thank you for your kind words. Yes I’ve had lots of therapy but I don’t feel it’s ever worked

I have a very similar background to you OP, and I get how hard it is to feel normal when your around people with totally different family set ups. I'm practically nc with the majority of my family and I absolutely dread questions or conversations about them. Unfortunately, I don't think it helps in the early stages of new friendships to be totally transparent; that comes much later when you've established a proper deeper connection and even then, I'd be very wary of who you tell. You need to come up with a glib, easy ' lie' to gloss over the truth i.e we're not close, we lead separate lives etc. I think you'd be surprised how many of us are around. It may be worthwhile thinking about where you can meet new people who are likely to share family trauma - do you have any meet up mental health groups near you or peer support groups?

I think I relate to what you're describing.

I've recently started to go out more and socialise rather than shut myself away. At first it seemed to go really well but I struggle to get past the superficial level of interacting. After a while I see people developing solid friendships and I feel like I'm left behind or on the outside looking in. If I say hello people say hello back, and I can tag on to a group, but no-one comes up to me specifically and asks how I am.

At some level I must be giving off the wrong vibe but I don't know how to stop. It is better than being completely isolated but I really wish someone could tell me what I'm doing wrong. It would be great to have proper friendships, it really is a skill.

@LostInCats yes I do need to lie but I feel so much sadness I just want to tell people which I know is wrong so early on in the friendships. I think finding a support group is a great idea. I actually emailed a centre near me a month ago but they never responded so maybe I should call them. Thank you.

@rurbane thank you for understanding and I’m so sorry you also feel like this. Counselling never worked for me but maybe you could try it? Some people have suggested groups which you could also look into? Feel free to PM me or write on this thread about what you e experienced and maybe you can get some support? For myself I feel so much anger and hurt inside me with my family. The worse thing is I’m not NC with them. I talk to my mum daily just about her she never asks how I am. She’s old so I feel bad not talking to her. My sisters I talk less with but do respond to their messages and share very small parts of my life. I feel I lie so much around them pretending I’m fine and I’m fine with them but in actual fact I hate them. They lived normal lives as my grandparents raised them and there is a huge age gap between them and me as I’m the youngest my grandparents died when I was a toddler so I never got the sane upbringing. My eldest sister was 12/13 years older than me and she never looked out for me. My much older male cousin would sleep in my bed and not one of my sisters even stopped and thought this is wrong - I wont say but you can imagine another trauma I suffered. I just feel there were fo many opportunities for someone to help me but no one did and I was failed time and time again. My sisters would hit me and hurt me a lot as a child, I was considered good looking in my youth which made them hurt me more as they would get jealous when people would comment what a pretty child etc I was. When I went to university (no idea how I managed to pass my exams btw with no one guiding me and encouraging me) I had zero advice and was very vulnerable which led to more trauma entering my life. I’m married to a horrible man who also makes me feel like an object and unloved. I e just changed my username this morning to post but on my old thread people keep asking why I’m staying with him. I can’t leave as I’m so broken and where will I go? My life is actually better now than it was in my childhood,

Oh gosh OP, I know you directed your last message to another poster, but I do relate to everything you said about your childhood, including the hugely different experience to your sister's and the massive age gap. No one protested me either, even though there were adults all around, I was invisible. I didn't even question this until recently, not believing I was worth helping or that As a child, someone should have stepped in. I'm truly sorry for everything you've been through. It's so so painful. I do hope you find some worthy friends and get help in extracting yourself from a toxic marriage. You deserve peace.

They all know how my husband treats me and not one person has ever said leave and come stay with us. I have a family but I don’t have one if that makes sense. I can see how loved most of the mums are in my kids class. I see it in every play and performance when the grandparents and other relatives come, I always go alone as DH never wants to go.

@LostInCats thank you and I’m so sorry you were not protected either. I know one day I will have the strength to leave but right now being with him affords me certain privileges such as being able to work part time and not worry about money.

Yes, it does make sense. You haven't got that safe harbour, which normal families have to anchor each other in times of trouble. Truly loving families would offer you a roof over your head until you could get on your feet.

There is a lady on youtube 'The crappy childhood fairy' I've found her insights more useful than any counselling.