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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be at my wits end with my partner

14 replies

Slipsyp · 07/06/2026 14:02

My DP is suffering from low mood and has done for the last year or so. I’ve been very sympathetic but I’m beginning to become frustrated.

He’s constantly complaining of a sore head (GP and opticians have thoroughly investigated and it’s believed to be caused when he’s feeling tired…)

He complains of feeling isolated as we live 2 hours away from his family and most of his friends. He has a lonely WFH job. He plays football once or twice a week and has a few friends there. Whenever I suggest we do something with any of my friends and their partners he says no and would rather stay at home so it’s always me and my toddler going to things alone.

He’s off to America to see Scotland in the World Cup (which is another thread in itself). I’ve suggested a few activities for him to have some quality time with our son before we go but he said he’d just rather play with him at home.

Our toddler is very full on so there’s no relaxing days in the house like there used to be before having him. This afternoon I suggested a play date with our friend and she asked if she could bring her husband (who my partner gets on well with). I said yes and my partner said ‘oh no’ and is now in a mood saying he just wanted to relax this afternoon.

So now I feel the need to change the play date to my friends house or the park because I can’t be bothered with his mood putting a dampener on our afternoon. It feels so frustrating that he thinks he can just opt out of parenting because he’s feeling down but he’s getting 10 nights solo in America!!!

Id love nothing more than a relaxing afternoon on the couch but that’s just not an option right now and I’ve accepted it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 07/06/2026 14:07

I know what I would do, pop into the lounge, give him his child and say over to you I am out for a few hours, and toddler needs feeding at xxxx

see you later

Moonnstarz · 07/06/2026 14:08

It sounds like he only has a problem when it comes to doing things with you and the toddler - he is going away on a trip, plays football with others - yet family activities bring on the 'oh no' and wanting to relax.

Is he actually commited to your relationship and being a dad? From your post it sounds like he has opted out and blames it on his 'ill health'.

Ponoka7 · 07/06/2026 14:13

I hope you didn't change the play date. He needs to get his head around being a father and a partner. Have things changed since you had the baby? It smacks of him thinking he's got you were he wants you and there's no effort needed. Stop falling for his BS.

Holdinguphalfthesky · 07/06/2026 14:15

He doesn’t enjoy spending time with you and your son, and he prefers to “play with your son” at home so that you can take over when he gets bored of toddler wrangling.

Agreed with pp, go out and leave them to it. As you say, he’s getting 10 (undoubtedly very expensive) child free nights away soon to watch the football. And he’s fine to hang out with his friends and go on football trips. He only gets “low” when he’s called on to parent and partner.

Berlinlover · 07/06/2026 14:19

Did your partner actually want to be a dad?

Slipsyp · 07/06/2026 14:40

Berlinlover · 07/06/2026 14:19

Did your partner actually want to be a dad?

Apparently so! PPs are right that it’s family things he opts out of. If it doesn’t fully benefit him then it’s an absolute chore for him

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/06/2026 15:22

He’s managed to find an ill defined ‘medical’ reason for avoiding anything he doesn’t like and getting lots of sleep. Clever clever man.

When is your 10 day trip to Borneo to hang out with orang-utans? Or horse riding around Mongolia? I’m trying to think of a holiday that will cost as much as the World Cup for 10 days. And failing. Overwater bungalow in French Polynesia? That would be nice. I’m not joking BTW, you need to have your own break.

Parenting is hard, and boring and stressful quite a lot of the time. Huge rewards but the costs are significant. He needs to buy in.

Moonnstarz · 07/06/2026 15:26

Slipsyp · 07/06/2026 14:40

Apparently so! PPs are right that it’s family things he opts out of. If it doesn’t fully benefit him then it’s an absolute chore for him

Do you call him out on it though? It sounds like you also let his excuse of depression/poor health mean he gets to rest/do as he pleases. I would be making a point like with the playdate of commenting each time that it's a shame he feels that bad and perhaps he will be too unwell to travel if he can't manage tasks at home.

JLou08 · 07/06/2026 15:33

I've every sympathy for people with depression and I recognise some things are easier than others to push through. He is absolutely taking the piss though. Can't push through for a day out or friend visit for his DC and wife but can manage football every week and a trip to America. It sounds like he is having you on OP, he is just selfish and lazy but using depression as an excuse.

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 07/06/2026 15:55

Slipsyp · 07/06/2026 14:40

Apparently so! PPs are right that it’s family things he opts out of. If it doesn’t fully benefit him then it’s an absolute chore for him

These kind of men (of which there are plenty) just make me so mad! My ex constantly claimed to be low and felt sorry for himself, but it never seemed to get in the way of anything he wanted to do/his work/his social life/his sport! Call him out on this behaviour, and tell him to grow up. And, do not pander to his moods.

hididdlyho · 07/06/2026 16:05

Don't change plans involving your child to suit him! He can relax in the bedroom if he really can't handle socialising for a few hours. Sounds like it's time to plan your 10 child free nights away and let him know the dates. After that time solo parenting, he may decide that an afternoon spent with friends and their child isn't such a huge hardship. Has he become more of a recluse since he started wfh? I've heard of a few people this has happened to, so getting a job with more face to face interaction may help.

ginasevern · 07/06/2026 17:21

So his sore head is an allergic reaction to marriage and parenthood? Sounds like a lot of other men. He won't get any better OP, so don't think you can "cure" him with endless self sacrifice and trying to please him. I think this will be your future unfortunately unless you take radical action.

TheSunnySwan · 15/06/2026 18:23

You are practically a single parent the relationship sounds over . He doesn't want a family by the way he is acting he wants to be single poor mental health or not he shouldn't even be acting like a complete idiot doesn't want to spend time with his family but can go to America with his mates his priorities are complete wrong

Nearly50omg · 15/06/2026 18:44

Change the locks and pack his shit up while hes in the USA and message him while he’s away saying it’s over and he needs to find somewhere to live for when he gets back to the uk as he won’t be coming back to live with you! Seriously life is soo much better without this dark cloud around and once you get past the initial upset you will be so much happier and he will have to step up and parent his child - on his own - for 50% of the time unless he wants to pay full CSA payment

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