That contentment is sometimes a choice

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I get that some people are/live in awful conditions and there’s no or extremely little contentment to be found.

I also know that striving for more and ambition can improve someone’s life . I just think that there’s a limit to that. There comes a point where some people are so focused on what comes/should come next , or what they don’t have that they spend most of their lives being miserable or feeling like they’re missing out. They are missing out, but on the experiences and happy moments they’re having at the time.

Their average child is not good enough. Their average home is not good enough. Marriage, holidays, clothes, special occasions etc. none of them are ever good enough , because there’s always someone who has better or has done better and as a result they never really enjoy those things so they have a very bleak outlook on life.

I think you have to be careful in both directions.

Yes comparison is the thief of joy, but toxic positivity is everywhere too.

Listeners also have to be mindful that they are not just unable to deal with unhappy feelings in others, and seeking to shut them down.

Maybe a concrete example would help . I have loads but this is the most recent one.

Went with a family member in half term to visit another family member in a different country. The family member took the week off work, entertained us, fed us, took us sightseeing, so very much a holiday really. All good , until the family member I was visiting with saw on her FB an acquaintance on a “proper” holiday. Family member instantly turned and it all became about the other person’s holiday , where they were, what they were visiting, where they were staying etc. Showing us and making comments, which made our hosts feel like crap. Not just that but I honestly couldn’t care less about Suzie from Accounts and her holiday. I actually said that and family member was like “how can you not care? Don’t you want to travel like that and see beautiful places?”. Well , we ARE travelling right now, and we saw lots of beautiful and interesting places that we wouldn’t have otherwise seen , curtesy of our hosts. None if that mattered though, after that moment our trip just wasn’t good enough.

Yes, I do think that much of a person’s happiness and contentment is an active choice.

And also being upset at someone or something can be an active choice, too.

Well the person you’re traveling with is plain rude.

I agree that people can choose to be happy / content with their experiences. It also seems that comparison is the thief of joy - if your travel partner hadn’t seen the Facebook would they have admitted they’d had a good time? Far too much energy (and money) is spent on creating these keeping-up-with-the-Jones’ personas.

Yes , relative was perfectly happy with our trip up until that moment. She’s always been like this , and I feel she missed out on a lot.

She’s not the only one though, I have a few relatives and friends that are the same. Another relative who wasn’t happy about living with family after marriage (fair enough), then in a very small flat (also fair enough), then in a bigger flat, but it wasn’t a house , then a house , but it didn’t have a massive garden and so on.

The saddest one is where they have a perfectly normal, well rounded , but average kid. The issue is ofc that the child is… average, rather than top of class, picked for x team , excelling at something etc. They’re always comparing him with x or y(including DD , who is also perfectly average , but different circumstances)and he always falls short.

Someone will always have a bigger/nicer slice of cake , that doesn’t mean your slice is shit.

I've never seen an AIBU with 100% agreement and I hope it stays that way!

You're right. I've stopped comparing myself to people who have better holidays than me, do more exciting things, etc. I think about the people who depend on rain for their crops or they starve, the people who don't have a health centre to go to, who live in tents, etc etc. I'm grateful for clean water coming out of the taps and a clean bed in a quiet bedroom. I'm grateful to see trees when I look out the window because I've lived somewhere where there was no green. If people want to worry about not wearing the right clothes or driving the right car, let them!

You’re right but you can’t help your personality. I’ve done so much therapy trying to be less of a striver/someone who has to always have a goal or a level they’re trying to reach. I realise it is the source of loads of personal misery. But recognising that and working on it doesn’t make it just disappear.

I hate it about myself, especially now I’ve hit perimenopause and exhaustion/brain fog means I can’t just plough on like I have for the last few decades.

"Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have". Rabbi Hyman Schachtel

That’s interesting . Do you know why you’re like this? Have you always been that way?

I’m the opposite of this , and my contentment/ satisfaction with good enough is often seen as laziness in my family.

I’m desperate to find contentment in my life.

My life has changed in a lot of negative ways over the last 5 ways and I have really struggled to adapt to my new way of life. I go to therapy every week and I want to be able to be content with how my life is, but primarily I just feel pissed off and angry.

Through the eyes of others I probably have a lot ti be thankful for, so I’m desperately trying to reach a place where I can feel content with what I have, whilst coming to terms with what I don’t have. It’s not easy though.

I think if you lost a lot or went through significant changes it’s quite natural for it to take time while you readjust . It’s the whole grief cycle and reaching acceptance can take a long time and it’s very personal.