to wonder what we have done wrong

[Lowfat]

Okay, this is a bit long and if my SIL is on MN then I am outted, but I gotta say this.

MIL and FIL (who are'nt always my cup of tea, but I always make an effort) are moving to retire by the sea. The currently live 90 mins away from us and 90 mins away from BIL (DH's brother) & SIl in the other direction.

When they move they will be 3 hours away from us and 5 mins away from them.

They are very excited about moving it is the first house move since they got married over 30 years ago, and they are going from a rough area to a lovely area - we are happy for them, and understand they had to go one way or the other.

Their move is now no more than 2 weeks away. And for the past 6 months almost every weekend they have visited BIL and SIL at seaside looking at houses and spending time with their DC's and more recently visiting the new house to be. In this time we have probably seen them 4-5 times.

Our DC's are same sort of ages (under 5) and where as SIL family all live near by too, I dont have anyone so they are my DC's only grandparents.

I have just found out SIL has asked them there again this weekend to babysit - a taste of things to come for them I am sure- as both her and BIL are working.

I am so cross as I feel they should actually be making an effort to come and see us instead. They have never stayed over at ours and the only trips out we do involve walking round shops . Yet when they go there they are always going to the beach or spending time and money on my DNs at the amusements.

Why do they favour BIL and his DC's over my DH and his DC's? We have never asked them for anything and always ask them here as guest to be fed and rest and enjoy the day, where as BIL and SIL seem to use them as childcare and never just a GP's who are vsisiting.

Am very inclined to ask MIL directly, but I know this would lead to trouble which I want to avoid. Just feel it is all so unjust, what have we done wrong? Just want one nice visit for DH and DC's to spend some quality time before they move even further away and are seen even less

AIBU?

Maybe they don't prefer the others, maybe they just get asked more by BIL and wife so don't feel they can say no?

You never ask them for anything, they are your guests. She asks for their help - Maybe they feel your sil needs them? It might not be that they favour her but that they think she needs them and you don't?

And they've been visiting the area because they are exited about the move?? And your sil happens to live there so they hook up and do stuff together??

Maybe they are even moving there partly because they feel she needs their support so much?

You've probably done nothing wrong. Why not just say that you'd love to have a few days with them before they leave, to say goodbye because you won't see them as much now. They are important to you and the kids and it'd mean so much to you etc etc etc

Yeah, I had been playing with that thought for a while.

DH and I try to be very independant - because we need to be. FIL still works and MIL doesnt have the best health, and because we know SIL is always asking for help we back off, so they are'nt pulled in all directions.

I think it is time for me to say something, but as Hecate says instead of going for the hobnail boot approach of why why why, give them the emotional side of we will miss you -

With regards to where they are moving to, we are in the country and they did look at places near us, until B & SIL moved to the coast, and then it was just a one-stop-line to getting ahouse there. So that's why I cant help wondering about the favoritism.

It is a taste of things to come and you need to sort it now.

My parents live 10mins from us and several hours and a flight from DB and SIL.

I am sure SIL feels the same way you do, and don't know if she realises that I push my parents all the time to go over and to "invite themselves" more often - but at the same time yes they do support us a lot and I would be lost without them.

I don't know the answer, I am sorry, but I think you need to clear the air with SIL ASAP or it will get worse.

SIL firmly belive families are for helping out - which they are, just not all the time,

I think we are at opposite ends of the spectrum. We could ask for help but dont, and they could do a lot more for themselves but wont.

I am not a very confrontational person and SIL doesnt take any crap so I will not be having the conversation with her. However I can speak to MIL about how I feel with them being so far away in future etc.

Make sure they know that you want to see them.

Because my SIL won't actually say 'please come' (and DB is useless) my parents think they are not wanted/needed - I mean FGS SIL got DN to send "please come and see me Granny and Grandad" pictures/letters and they still didn't interpret that as "please come" until other DB and I told them to go...

You have to be very direct about it, I think

you could have asked them over before, as they wont be so close soon.....

i personally wouldnt worry about it. my dh's family are v v much the same, always having SIL DS, but its their choice.

think of all the fab seaside trips you can have when you visit them.

i'd ask them to have the kids for a week in the hols every summer, book a family trip there every easter, start a whole new relationship based on granny's new house at the seaside.
won't it be fun?