Would you want to know if your child is a bully

[RosieSpring]

As it says in the title, Would you want to know if your child is a bully and what would you do about it.

I would be mortified but I’d absolutely want to know so I could speak to them about their behaviour
I have a zero tolerance for bullying.

Any particular reason you’re asking? Who wouldn’t want to know? What’s the vote?

Of course I would want to know if my child was a bully as first there not being brought up that way and second it needs dealt with ASAP

Yes I'd genuinely want to know. I've met a few who have said that though and then get a bit waspy and defensive when confronted with things. Even though in seperate conversation they've acknowledged and highlighted other poor behaviour from their child. I know a family who have genuine fears their child with seriously hurt their siblings in a very serious way, but when informed about them mistreating others have flat out said "this seems out of character for our child". If it's an issue impacting you or your child, I'd not give a care if the parents want to know. You need to tell them.

Yes, absolutely. I would hope neither of my kids would-we have talked about that since they were tiny.
If they are bullying, there's something wrong in their life, and my job to sort that out. I would want to know if someone was pressuring them to go along with bullying, or what else caused them to do this. And morally, I am not ok with my child hurting someone else and I would want to work with the teachers to stop that.

In my experience it isn't as simple as that. A child who is a bully generally either has parents who are bullies themselves, or has parents who can literally see no wrong in their entitled little sweet angel.

So you tell the parents and they either flatly refuse to believe it, in fact they turn it around and believe that their child is the one being bullied. Or, they are horrified but their way of dealing with it is to bully their child further, thus giving the child no skills to stop bullying because it's all they know.

I’d also add that sometimes kids don’t get on and parents can’t accept that so label the other child a bully.

I don’t think a conversation going to another parent saying their child is a bully (which is a horrible and emotive word) will ever end well.

Either as you say the child is a bully but has learned it from the parents- so they are unlikely to take the comments well- or the children just don’t get on.

Much better to approach as our children don’t seem to be getting on, how can we address that- rather than using such loaded language

I'd agree with @Credittocress comment.

I think yes if it's from teachers, no from parents.

I've seen too often where a parent labels a child as a bully, when actually it's either the children not getting on or a brief fall out and parent over reacting. And children do know that bully is an emotive word and will use it to try and force another child to doing what they want aka as bullying themselves. "If you won't play the game I want then you're a bully".

When we all tell a story, we see it from our side, and children are the same.
So them saying "Emma wouldn't play with me, and told me to go away" won't necessarily connect the fact that they pinched Emma's pencil earlier and stabbed it in her hand and Emma is reacting to that.
They are telling the truth as they see it, but not the whole picture.

If as a parent you do go to a parent it should be with a "how can we sort this out between us" attitude and be prepared to hear that your child has 50% of the blame.

Yes I’d want to know and I’d be stopping him from attending a club if it was there for a short time and then monitor it and take action again if it started again.

If it was at school I’d support them with whatever consequences they put in place.

My ds was bullied in the past and it wasn’t dealt with correctly or successfully so I know how those parents if a bullied child would feel.

Too add - I would expect the info to come from a non involved adult who’s witnessed it too.

I’ve seen the word bully banded about because X won’t play with them all too often when X has reason to say that.

I think you need to be careful about labelling behaviour as bullying, particularly if you want a favourable response.

Yes, some kids are bullies. Others try out behaviours and just need to he corrected.

Telling a childs parents that their child is a bully will go down like a shit sandwich. Expressing concerns about an observed behaviour is 100% something most parents will want to address.

This is so funny, the people i know in real life who post the most on social media about being kind have kids who are outright bullies and when confronted say things like, if I ever find out you did this thing you’ll be for it. But they already did find out, they were told. No one’s going to come to them with cctv or whatever. They just never want to admit that there kid did this thing.

the people i know in real life who post the most on social media about being kind have kids who are outright bullies

Yes, I've seen the same thing.

100%. And I'd be all over it like a ton of bricks.

Yes, because I was bullied relentlessly at school and it has affected my whole life. On the plus side, it has helped me identify whether the incidents are bullying or not and whether they could escalate into bullying.

I think a lot of school bullying problems stem from children with a low self esteem looking for weakness in others which is then exploited as it makes the bully feel better.

Small incidents are overlooked and dismissed as "banter" and when the whole thing escalates, some adults respond with bullying the bully into submission which never works.

Thinking about why the bullying has happened is what I'd probably do first and then attempt to help my child understand that their behaviour had been abhorrent. Not easy to do with a child at any age, since I have come to believe that all humans are not above lying to meet what they feel their needs are unless conditioning has taken place to understand it is wrong.

Example.
Child A is a capable child who wins everything is always top and is perhaps a bit of a know it all. Group B do not like this, their parents discuss this with them and agree child A is an insufferable know it all. They should be taken down a peg or two. They say child A is spoilt and parent needs to parent better.

Child A comes home every night upset that they just cannot make friends because they don't fit in. Their parents dismiss the other children as bullies and try to explain to school what is happening. Parents of child A are dismissed by school who say there is nothing they can do to force the others to include her aside from small class groups.

The class groups don't transfer to the playground. Child A immerses themselves in learning extra things, they read a book at playtime having given up trying to make friends. They spend hours playing the piano or doing sums and as a consequence get very good at both. This sets child A apart even more.

By the time year six arrives, child A is way, way ahead of their peers in every way, their parents having found alternative groups out of school where they have older friends with similar interest. Child A auditions for the school play and gets the main part. Child A wins several music and sport medals at school as they took every opportunity to do any activity going because they didn't like being ignored.

Child A is in a 'head to head' class competition and every child in the class is cheering for the other child against Child A. Child A gets so upset that they don't manage to 'win' and the whole of group B whoops and cheers at their misfortune. Child A hits out at the nearest child. Child A receives serious consequences.

Child A's mother is in the playground at pick up and hears other children laughing and stating loudly that Child A was beaten on a test and she hit Child X and how they all laughed and are so happy that she was sent to the head. The other parents start to laugh along but notice the mother and look away. How on earth does one begin to sort that out retroactively?

Which set of parents are responsible? What could school have done to stop this happening? Where do they go to 'fix' it.

Yes, absolutely.

A lot of bullying can be nipped in the bud, because most dc aren’t really ill intentioned and just haven’t gained the developmental skills to be aware of the wider effects of their actions. Sometimes dc need a bit of coaching on how to handle things, or steer something in a better direction.