DoesItEverGetBetterOrIsThisIt ·
06/06/2026 16:14
Probably a bit of a self-pitying post but I need to get this out of my head/off my chest...
40 years old. Suffered from anxiety and depression since I was a small child (I remember being five and the Queen lyric 'wish I'd never been born at all' resonating with me, first time I contemplated harming myself I was 9). Also diagnosed with dysthymia and had an autism diagnosis aged 35 (hello masking). No siblings, and no grandparents around after the age of 12.
I've had DBT, CBT, CAT and have taken a cocktail of medication for as long as I can remember. Two half-hearted suicide attempts that were more of a cry for help than anything else. Never met the threshold for serious intervention or inpatient stays.
I grew up in a household with a father who was an alcoholic and was abusive towards my mum, physically and emotionally, and a mother who had been having an affair the whole time. After several suicide attempts (and after he'd said in front of my face that he had nothing to live for), my father died from alcohol related issues when I was 13, my mum did her best but she was never maternal and had a meteoric career progression which kept her away from home a lot and so she threw material things at the problem. She's very hypercritical and judgemental of me and my life choices, and I've sacrificed a lot to do what she thought I should be doing (and no I can't go and do those things now with a mortgage and pets to think about) My parents always said they stayed together because of me.
I've been bullied all my life because I never fitted in (now I know why). I never told my mum or anyone in my family until I was grown adult, because I didn't want to add to their existing issues. Being autistic and having a (confirmed) high IQ meant I was so different to my peers, and anything I found interesting was seen as showing off or being a know it all, which has continued into adult life.
I've had relationships that have often been good, but for one reason or another they've never worked out. Through my 20s however I was in a relationship with a man who abused me in every way possible, who left me as a shadow of my former self and after whom I had to build my life back together again from scratch. I would really love to settle down and get married if I could just find the right person.
Despite all of this, I've really put the work in to make sure that I don't let my issues win. I have a professional career, a degree and a masters, own my own home, nice things, holidays, I've travelled, etc. But that's all that I want the outside world to see. Inside I am as miserable as I've ever been. I just don't feel I'll ever be good enough for anyone, and that I'll be alone with my thoughts and inside my own head forever.
AIBU to think it will always be like this, or is there anything I can about it? I try literally everything that's supposed to be good for MH as well as the formal treatment, etc. Nothing ever helps
Thank you if you've made it this far!