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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to resent partner springing hobby plans on me and baby?

12 replies

OhItsRaining · 06/06/2026 11:10

So the background. I have 4dc, 3 from my previous marriage and a 4 month old with dp. Dp has a hobby/interest that means every 5 weeks or so he’s out of the house for around four hours on a Friday morning. This is usually fine with me. I’m always given enough notice. It’s a bit of a pain because he needs a car to get to said hobby and we don’t have one. So this often requires him driving a two hour round journey the night before to pick a car up from a family member. Then go in the morning, then take the car back which means the family member then has to bring him back home again.

As I previously said, I’m usually given enough notice so I don’t mind. This brings us to yesterday. The hobby was on but he had decided this particular one wasn’t worth going to. His family were visiting from abroad and then his other family member (the one who he borrows the car off) came over. All fine. Not long before the family member was leaving he asked if he could borrow the car as apparently there was a postponement so hobby was now on today and he would like to go after all. I was a bit miffed. I was hoping for a day without any faff but I assumed family member was off so it wouldn’t be too bad.

Nope, after being put on the spot in front of family member to say it was ok I discover what the plan would be. Go to there’s now so he can drive the car back. That’s two hours after a busy few days. Then today leave at six for hobby, go straight to family members and visit other family members for a few hours before dropping the family member to work and driving back. This would take him out of the house from 6am-2pm. Then picking family member up from work and having them drive him home later this evening. Another 2 hours. I wasn’t best pleased but agreed as long as he took the baby to the family members after the hobby because frankly I resented him passing the inconvenience of his plans onto me after not being consulted on any of this.

Anyway, he ended up sleeping in so didn’t even make it to hobby. He’s very grumpy that I pretty much forced him to take the baby on this mornings now four hour trek instead of keeping them with me. Started throwing out things like ‘he’s concerned I can’t handle all four of my children at once’. Not the case. I can and do all the time while he’s in work and the mornings where he doesn’t get out of bed! I just resent it when he took it upon himself to spring this on me with no consideration of how inconvenient it makes things. I decided just this once not to take it quietly and put the inconvenience back on him. Aibu?

OP posts:
SingtotheCat · 06/06/2026 11:55

Sorry, but an unnecessary four hour car trip for the baby isn’t great.
The hobby stuff has a a nuisance. Didn’t you pull him up and say “No”, that it’s too disruptive?

tiramisugelato · 06/06/2026 11:57

YABU for making him take the baby on a long car journey just to try and make a point.

YANBU for thinking he should be more considerate in general.

DysmalRadius · 06/06/2026 12:00

Agree with PPs - taking the baby for an unnecessary 4 hour car journey would be less than ideal and NOT the solution to the problem you have.

Could he not hire a car for his hobby days rather than borrowing one? Surely it would be cheaper and more efficient to do that than all this endless schlepping around and it would mean that the time he is out would be reduced so you'd all be in a better position.

CoastalCalm · 06/06/2026 12:03

I’m afraid I agree - why would you put a baby through a long journey in a car just to score points ?

OhItsRaining · 06/06/2026 12:04

It’s not four hours in the car. I wouldn’t have let him take her if that was the case. The longest stretch is 40 minutes. He’s visiting family who actually want to see the baby as well. He’ll be out of the house for four hours.

I think my problem is it just feels like one rule for him and another for me. I’ve not done anything since the baby was born. He still does his hobby. If he wanted to go out for a walk or to the shops or whatever he’d just go. With me I feel like I’d have to ask if it’s ok. For example, after a routine appointment last week I decided I’d like to get my nails done. He said he’d come into town with me. Fine but I informed him I wanted to get my nails done and he said he’d wonder around. He was texting and phoning the entire time complaining the baby needed feeding and what should he do. Apparently I’d disappeared and left him in an awkward position.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 06/06/2026 12:08

They’re two different issues, he should be able to care for his child - I’d have put my phone on silent and let him work it out. Plan regular time away so he needs to get on with it.

In terms of the hobby I’d have told him it was too much faffing about today.

Meadowfinch · 06/06/2026 12:14

Yabu.

It's once every five weeks and your poor baby had to go on a four hour journey just so you could make a point. Wow!!

Instead, why not set aside one day a month that is for you, and go where you want while he looks after the dc. Then you might feel less resentful.

tiramisugelato · 06/06/2026 12:21

Yet again, the OP isn't about the actual issue, which is that your DP is apparently incapable of caring for his own child. Next time, switch your phone off and let him get on with it.

OhItsRaining · 06/06/2026 12:24

I should have probably mentioned that it’s not four hours in a car in my op. Basically he’s now taking her to visit grandparents, great grandparents, auntys/uncles etc. She’ll be out of the car seat and passed around the entire time.

I get the feeling he’s not keen on me leaving him alone with the baby. If I mention booking a gym class when my other children are with their dad he makes ‘jokes’ about how I’m abandoning him with the baby so I’ve not done it yet. He’s a bit put out that I have a long awaited hair appointment coming up and he has to have her for that. I get balayage so I only have to go every 6-8 months. He’s convinced she doesn’t like him as she cries a lot with him which isn’t helping.

OP posts:
muggart · 06/06/2026 13:52

you were absolutely right to force him to take the baby. well done for not being a pushover. how dare he bitch at you because he had to look after his own child for 4 hours.

So many women are used to useless men so youll get a hard time for expecting better. but you are laying down a foundation for a better future and that is more important for baby in the long run.

tiramisugelato · 06/06/2026 13:57

He sounds like a dick. Please don't have another child with such a useless specimen.

metalstrawsarecoldbutnotsoggy · 06/06/2026 14:20

So he’s accusing you of not being able to look after 4 children on your own but he can’t even take care of 1 on his own! I would not be impressed!

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