To be feeling constantly overwhelmed?

[Rainbowstarssunlight]

I have a 4 and 7 year old. I got made redundant at the end of my second maternity leave and ended up being self-employed for nearly 3 years. It worked out well and I made plenty of money and it allow me a lot of flexibility with family life.

Fast forward to this year, and a really good job opportunity came up on a 12 month fixed term contract, full-time. I felt like I should take it because it would look very good on my CV and be a good step back into an employed role. It would also help the family financially as it is highly paid. In this employment market felt like a no brainer.My DH works shifts but has recently gone part time (we decided this before my job offer came up because he was working almost all weekends and we never got a family life). He works 5 on, 7 off and for the 5 on he doesn’t always have a shift. It really varies from no shifts to one everyday. This means sometimes he might have as much as 19 straight days off.

On paper, this sounds great, but somehow we can’t make it work and I just feel overwhelmed the entire time. My job is fine, people are nice and I can do the work but it’s reasonably full on and I often dash home from the office to put the kids to bed or see them briefly and then open my laptop again in the evening. The youngest in particular finds it all a bit upsetting and it’s constantly crying for me wanting me to take her to nursery put her to bed etc.

I have outsourced as much as I can - I now have a cleaner, gardener and send ironing out. But I still feel like I never get a chance to make a home-cooked meal, do any reading book or spellings with the eldest and by the weekend I’m exhausted with juggling it all. DH isn’t a massive home person so he’ll do some DIY and put a wash on but most other stuff falls to me.

When I try to get him involved things always go wrong. For example, we went away for the weekend and he was off for the whole week prior so I asked him to pack for the kids. For one kid he brought loads and then the other he brought only 2 t shirts (but oddly 9 pairs of shorts) for 5 days. I try not to criticise so just find myself making a mental note that I’ll do the packing next time. I have loads of examples of this sort of thing. The result of this means that I’m picking up more and more.

He does a very responsible job that I have respect for and complete faith in him. He is very highly regarded. But he seems to really struggle with simple day-to-day tasks, he’s always forgetting things or getting things wrong. I have an any time pass on our supermarket online shopping so we can order any time but he just forgets to do it. I was away a couple of nights this week with work and came home to the fridge being completely empty and there’s nothing to feed the kids. It wasn’t the end of the world because he just gave them a cream cheese sandwich but I just find it weird when all he needs to do is a few taps on his phone.

Are some people just wired differently? I’m very methodical and organised and I find it difficult to relate to the challenge he has with simple everyday tasks. I know people will say he’s lazy and should be more thoughtful and believe me I feel like this sometimes too. But to be honest, it does seem quite genuine. He tries but just keeps messing up!

You need to get him to fix his mistakes. he goes out to buy the kids tshirts he forgot to pack, he goes out to the shop to buy food he forgot to order.

He's a fucking grown adult, let him sort it

Yeah this is just life working FT with kids. Sorry.

It does get easier. I'd say when youngest got to Year 3 it felt like we had turned a massive corner.

As usual the problem is your H. Aspects of his parenting and domestic work is inadequate.

If he‘s not a sexist prick he can change this.

Money wise you say you ‘made plenty money’ when self employed, but presumably make much more with this contract, with the prospect of more progression? That makes it worth working.

If he’s this poor at parenting/domestics he may as well work full time/weekends again, at least and you’re not at risk of having to pay out more in the event of divorce. Seek to agree for him to fully take on specific things. Get the best possible childcare and help.

You have a DH problem.

How long have you been in your new job?
It will take time to adjust.

I am a single parent and work FT.
I used to also study in the evenings.
My life would be so much easier if there was an extra pair of hands at home, especially one that only worked PT.

You need to sit him down and have a serious conversation with him.
He’s completely taking the mick.

I hated him working weekends - going from working all week to solo parenting all weekend was miserable and a crap family life. At least now he does stuff with the kids and me at weekends.

Look up weaponised incompetence.

If he did things well then you would expect it of him all of the time.
If he doesn’t do it/messes up then you end up doing it yourself and asking him less.

Do not let him have it easy.
If he makes a mistake then he needs to fix it.
Draw up a list of chores and responsibilities and share them 75/25 and do not do his share.

But what you say is correct - this job has better prospects for progression and is v lucrative. His job is also lucrative even part time.

Yep weaponised incompetence.

First post nails it. You can still avoid criticising him with this approach- just give him the responsibility to fix the mistake rather than taking the responsibility away from him.

A good partner / father pulls his weight parenting and working to keep the household going - including doing more than you whilst working PT, with you FT and having done the bulk for years.

And/or he could do this and work full time. Eg he could seek a job without weekend working.

‘Not a massive home person’ no OP, your husband is a lazy bastard. Stop excusing it and demand he do more to participate in his own life

I thought my wife was a control freak – now I know I was the problem
I posted this link on another thread but it might be useful.

I have tried letting him own but noticing changes. He seems content to live in complete chaos. He’d always forget the T-shirts and just rinse one out in the sink in the holiday cottage. He’d leave the house in a mess and just feed the kids endless cream cheese sandwiches. He doesn’t disorganisation whereas I find it awful

Up to 19 days off in a row and he isn’t doing all the cooking, laundry etc. I don’t understand why you haven’t absolutely LOST it with him?

It is ridiculous for the one with a full time job to be trying to do everything when there is another person working part time in the family.

I think it’s the inconsistency that’s hard too. When he has big chunks of time off sometimes he will get the laundry up-to-date and do a few other things. This lulls me into a full sense of security, I take my eye off the ball to focus on work and then the next thing I notice he’s lost interest and laundry piling up everywhere.

Would he pack his own bag correctly if going away for the week?

Of course he fucking would.

i HATE this ridiculous male incompetence

Come to think of it, he’s pretty good with his own packing 🤔

I've got 2 words for you - weaponised incompetence. He's taking the p. If you aren't able to accept the fact that your DH is never going to pull his weight and you will always be carrying the entire family in every way, then start working on your exit strategy. This isn't going to get better - kids get harder and more expensive as they get older and the resentment just builds as the years go by.

He might have 19 days off in a row but most home stuff falls to you?
He's taking the piss. Weaponised incompetence. You need a firm and frank conversation.

Yes, some people are wired differently. I'm one of them, really forgetful and struggle with organisation. The difference is that no one will pick up after my mistakes so I had to learn to manage. To do lists can help, there are apps he could use to that will send him notifications. Alexa can be really good for things like this, you can have a shopping list and talk to it to add things to the shopping list when you realise you're running low. Shopping can be booked way in advance online, he could have a regular slot delivering the regulars and just adding on when he notices something else is needed. Lists before packing, writen in plenty of time before packing so if anything occurs to him that he has forgotten, he has time to add it. He could even just Google going to x for x days with children aged x what do I need to pack?
He needs to get himself sorted and pull his weight. His work sounds very part time, yours sounds very intense. He should be doing the majority of the household stuff so you can enjoy the little time you have with your DC.

You need to lose your shit a bit here OP. You quietly making a mental note to do the packing next time means that he's getting away with being a lazy arse while you get more and more stressed.

Nah, that's awful. You're working full time, he gets to sit on his arse for 19 days in a row?
You come come and them do everything else that needs doing?
I could not love someone who was willing to do that.

Does your husband half ass his job and leave stuff for others to finish up or not do what he knows he should be doing?

Of course not. There would be consequences at his job. He leaves it to you because he thinks housework and childcare are your job and there's no consequences other than you swallowing some resentment. If you unpicked this you'd find he's a misogynist. If he can manage a job, he can handle housework and childcare and the stuff that goes along with kids. He's riding your coattails while you work yourself to the bone.

He's a lazy, disrespectful, immature shitty husband and parent. He fucking works part time. 19 days off, 🤡

How can you find a man who weaponized his incompetence in basic areas at all attractive? Has he always been an underperformer?

Think about dropping back when your 12 month contract is up. You're wearing yourself out by over functioning to compensate for your lazy ass partner.

If you are 🤔 ng about separating at some point because he's not pulling his weight, play the long game. Don't do it now when you're up in salary and overworked. Think about daycare for your youngest or after are for your 7 year old. Get systems onboard to help raise your kids and manage your home because your husband's not going to. He'll be that guy in the essay about she left me because I left dishes by the sink.

I’m not sure it’s as simple as that. I think if I wasn’t around anymore he would still live in this chaos. Constantly forgetting things and being disorganised. The mayhem just doesn’t seem to bother him like it does me.