Bullying at school - what to expect?

[ellie09]

Hi all

I had to contact the school today after the state my child was in picking him up after school.

DS is 9 years old and has autism and ADHD. Social struggles are his main struggle and he doesn't have many friends due to his emotional disregulation. He has a 1-1 assistant in a mainstream school.

When picking him up today, he was crying incredibly hard, to the point he couldnt speak and was struggling to breathe. I had to calm him down for about 30 mins before he was able to speak to me.

There was a specific incident today that seems to have triggered this response, but once he had calmed he had told me about two particular girls in his class who have been antagonizing him for the last year or so.

He has told me its mainly whispering and laughing about him to each other, but they also try and trip him up, and if he does fall, they will laugh at him. He has been pushed on the head on the bus repeatedly on school trips, swimming trips etc and have called him "fat" and a "copycat". They seem to know he has extreme emotional reactions and are deliberately antagonizing him.

We are working on his emotional regularity, but it is taking some time.

He has told teachers and they have been spoken to but he said they still do it anyway when the teacher isnt looking.

One of the girls mum actually works as a SEN classroom assistant at the same school.

He told me he wanted to move school, that he didnt belong there and wanted to die.

I contacted the school via seesaw as this was highly distressing for me to hear this from my 9 year old son.

School has now requested a face to face meeting with me "to talk through".

What should I expect from this?

What should I be telling them I want as an outcome?

I am devastated today. My son has often expressed wanting more friends, he plays alone most of the time so the thought of this happening is breaking my heart.

Where is his 1:1 when this is happening?

The reason I ask is that I was a 1:1 for 4 years and no way this would have happened on my watch.

I echo the previous poster.
When is he bullied?
Where is he bullied?
Where is his one-to-one when he is bullied?
None of this really makes sense, unless he only has his one-to-one for short and specific time periods each week.

What should you be able to expect from this? Action taken
What should you expect? To be fobbed off. Sadly most schools are weak and drag their feet over stuff like this, It’s a shame but true.

Keep repeating the mantra to them ‘how are you going to safeguard my child from bullies?’

And have they spoken to the girls' parents? One of the parents are our school once said that girls are always good and never cause problems, but do the parents know? Do they care? I would be horrified if my daughter (or son) did this, and would expect to know so I could intervene. Do schools/nurseries record racist/ableist incidents? If, of course, you feel this is due to ableism?
Our primary certainly takes racist bullying very seriously, I am glad to say.

I’m so sorry for your DS and you - that is heartbreaking. Are you in a position to keep him at home? Having been through something similar (but at secondary school) I wish I’d taken my DC out sooner rather than giving the school umpteen chances to resolve the bullying, which they utterly failed to do. They tried to pull the attendance line but I simply kept repeating that until they could fulfil their legal duty to provide a safe learning environment, I would not be sending my child back there. Eventually they had to put Alternative Provision in place and we’ve taken the LA to tribunal for a specialist placement. Obviously every case is different and you might not be in a position to keep him off school due to work, but the fact the school let this happen despite his 1:1 provision doesn’t bode well, and if he’s voicing that level of distress you need to take that very seriously and put his safety above all else.

Have you thought ahead to secondary school? It sounds like he already has an EHCP so it might be worth calling an emergency review and pushing for a more suitable placement. It’s a bloody gruelling process but I wish I’d done it before my DC reached secondary.

Crucially, don’t let school fob you off with a “chat” - you want everything in writing. If you haven’t already, email the HT and SENCO a list of incidents (DS’s account of what happened and dates if possible) and request written acknowledgement of its receipt. Start gathering as many reports etc as you can that demonstrate the level of support he needs in case you decide to go to tribunal. Contact IPSEA and SENDIASS if you haven’t already, and join local SEN parents’ groups, which can be a great source of support. Good luck 💐

Please take your husband or a good friend as support/back up, I wish I had with my son. Don’t be fobbed off, which will happen as they’re used to such meetings-you are not.
They’re solely interested in damage limitation.
The bullies never get dealt with and you have one bully whose mum is a SEN at the school, am sorry to say but their aim is to protect her from any fall out. It doesn’t matter how good the school is, as my son attended an excellent school that was heavily oversubscribed.
And yes I’m bitter 14 years later!

The school will tell you one thing, and it will never get dealt with.

I had this for most of my school career, and saw/heard it as a teacher. Thankfully, I'm no longer teaching.

@ellie09 you go in, discuss what has happened. Are there any witnesses to this bullying?

They will then investigate. Chase them up for the outcome.

My DD (age 10) has a hot temper and struggles to regulate her emotions when someone winds her up. This boy kept calling her names and pushing her over, so one day she lost it and went for him after he was being vile. She basically floored him and punched him and won. The school were great. Boys parents spoken to. No problems since.

What you can hope for: it to be dealt with efficiently and the offending children to be spoken to, monitored etc.

What to expect: absolutely nothing. And a "your child is different. He will have to deal with this for the rest of his life so he should get used to it now" attitude. (Yes, that's a quote from the headmaster.) If you've a progressive school, they might make all the right noises, say they'll investigate. As the kids if they bullied your son. If they say no, that's it. Case closed.

I’m so sorry that this is happening to your DC. If it’s mainly happening during unstructured times then teachers are less likely to observe what is actually going on.

Repetitive and underhand bullying as you have described can go under the radar. If there is an education support service involved/ SEN advisory teacher who monitors his EHCP Id see if they can come and observe.

Sadly I’ve often observed children who play alone at break and lunch times ( sometimes by choice) who might be counting railings, running round the perimeter or maybe wanting to sit quietly alone. being tormented by peers.
I once saw a KS2 lad, who needed movement breaks, and deliberately stayed away from others be poked in the back by a child who would then run away. Often it’s then the innocent child who gets into trouble when they either retaliate or have a meltdown.

On that occasion staff were initially reluctant to believe me as the child who was poking the child I was observing was “ so well behaved” and “ wouldn’t do that”.

Some children literally know what buttons to press.
I’d read the school bullying policy before you go in and ask if it is being followed.
Ask about any buddy schemes or whether his TA timetable can be adjusted to cover some unstructured time. Are there any clubs that he can join? You could also ask what they are doing to support his social skills and is there an easy way that he can report incidents or communicate his distress to staff?
If they don’t address your concerns you could contact the SEN Governor or Chair of Governors.

I would print off the bullying policy from their website (they should have one) so that you know and can confirm the steps that are going to be taken. Refer to this in the meeting. Go in with documented times that this has happened and further record these.

I think the school will deal with it. They've called you in for a F2F which suggests they are taking it seriously. The girls are doing it as they are getting away with it. Hopefully not anymore now parents and school are involved. I would expect they are spoken to firmly and also their parents. Also that the school will them away from your child and monitor. I hope your boy is OK.

Sorry this is hapenning to your child.

I would be asking for a specific action plan of how they plan to address this. What will be done, by who, how will they evaluate if it has been effective, what are the next steps if its not.

Are the incidents being recorded - every bullying incident should be recorded in the schools safeguarding record - ours uses CPOMS, on both your child and the perpetrators record. Ask if this is being done, and if possible to see your child's records, or a redacted print out (as may name other children). This will give you an idea of if they are capturing the extent of this.

Make notes/bullet points you want to discuss. Ideally take someone with you if you can you can make notes. School should also write minutes and share with you afterwards

If your child has a 1:1 I would be asking where they are when all this is happening? We have children with similar needs at the school I work at and their 1:1 is always with them! Clarify what time she support is being given, it may be that if they are not with your child at break times and this is where the problems are occurring then the support needs increasing.