To consider sleep training 14 month old?

[notaurewhatusername]

I’m hoping someone can give me some advice or reassurance because the sleep deprivation is really starting to get to me

DS is 14 months old and we’re really struggling with sleep. He doesn’t need milk or food in the night. The problem is his sleep associations at bedtime and through the night.

At bedtime (we aim for 8/8:30pm) he simply cannot fall asleep unless he’s either in my bed or having his back rubbed. Once he’s out though, he goes down deeply and I can transfer him to his cot no problem — so that part is fine.

He wakes 2+ times a night and will scream until he gets his back rubbed back to sleep. He’s essentially learned that back rubbing = sleep, so every time he naturally stirs between sleep cycles he needs it to resettle.
I tried a version of controlled crying for about a week — putting him down and going back in at intervals — but after 30 minutes of full screaming with no sign of settling I just couldn’t keep going. Nothing seemed to change across the week and it was awful for both of us.

To make things more complicated, my husband and I are not on the same page at all. His suggestion is to put our son in the furthest room in the house, no monitor, no nothing — check on him once to make sure he’s okay and then go back to sleep and leave him to it. I really don’t feel comfortable with this approach, especially at 14 months. It feels like too much too fast and I worry about how distressing that would be for him.
Something has to change because the broken nights are really catching up with me and it is impairing my ability to do my job at work and be a good mum.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did gradual withdrawal work for you? Did anything else help? I’m open to any suggestions at this point — I just need some sleep!

YANBU. DM me if you want the name of the excellent sleep trainer we used - she has lots of gentler methods. Don’t do what your DH is suggesting.

Gradual withdrawal worked for me. I patted to sleep, every night I increased the time between pats until eventually I was just holding a hand on him. Then fingertips. The one finger. Then I stood by the cot, then by the door, then outside the door.

I usually have to go back to a hand on him or patting when he's teething though.

To do what you DH suggests is dangerous. SIDS is still a risk at 14 months.

Some kids are just like this. It doesn't help to hear stories of wonderful toddlers who go to sleep at 7.30 after 2 naps a day at 11 and 2 and sleep through the night until 7.30 am. But a significant number of babies struggle for whatever reason. You can do everything right and still they can't sleep alone.

Notice "can't" ..... He would rather not be awake and screaming either!

If you can find a way to accept that this is his pattern the you will be able to find a way to work with it in a way that's better for you. Eg put his bed in your room so when he wakes you just reach over to rub his back then you can both fall back to sleep quickly.
When he goes to bed, with him and listen to music or a podcast . He will feel safe and content.
Try things like white noise apps, audio books etc.
Lavender spray on his pillow.
When a little older spatone iron supplement and magnesium tablets helped out on fall to sleep.

Just know this won't last forever so just do your best until it's over.

Good luck

My third child would only breastfeeding to sleep and had to be latched on all night or she would wake up. Some nights she was waking every 20 minutes. So when she was around 19 month old my husband did bedtime and stayed beside her. He comforted her and she cried for two hours. I stayed away.
The next night he did the same again and she cried for an hour and by the fourth night she was asleep in 10 minutes. That was the end of a long stretch of terrible sleep since she had been born.

It is doable but you cant just leave the baby to cry with no one to comfort them. That's so sad.

So what your husband is suggesting is child neglect and it would make me reconsider my feelings for him. Presumably husband gets the comfort of sleeping next to you - but somehow a 14m old baby is expected to be alone all night ?!!

join FB group they beyond sleep training project. Gentle sleep support from peers with no crying or ignoring baby’s needs.
can’t you just give your baby some milk ? Mine would breastfed back to sleep in seconds at that age. How do you know they’re not thirsty or hungry ? I get up for a drink overnight and I’m a fully grown adult. I also need cuddles at night.
I just kept my babies in bed with me to maximise my own sleep. (Following safe sleep seven and unicefs guidance on safe bedsharing ) a co-sleeper crib/side car cot would work either. Our tiny humans need proximity to us to feel secure.
this is only a season of life and it will pass. I’ve three boys.

I would second the recommendation for the Facebook group The Beyond Sleep Training Project which has lots of information about typical infant sleep. Your husband's expectations of a small child are, shall we say, somewhat wide of the mark! Did he have much experience with babies prior to having one? Do many of his friends have babies?

Thanks so much. DS is not in his own room yet. I think maybe this could help? But I would insist on baby monitor. Me and DH clash about everything pretty much and he disagrees with this thinks there’s no advantage to hearing baby cry if he’s been fed and changed?! Let’s just say we argue a a lot since baby has been born.

Definitely put DS in his own room. Tough to get out of bed for you but he may wake less if it takes you 3-4 minutes to come rub his back each time. I also found my DS really stirs if I'm in the room, we moved him at 6 months but we had family visit around 12 months and I slept in the nursery for one night.....he woke 4 times! I slept on the floor in the living room for the rest of that week.

I don't think.sleep training really works at this age. He's smart and he can REALLY hurt himself, I wouldn't do it.

I do know someone who sleep trained at 5 months. Child is now 3. They close the door at 7pm.and never enter until 7am. Said child has escaped his cot, removed his nappy in the night etc. They never go in. He does seem to be a lovely 3 year old (and is now in a bed after his little escape). And the parents are happy so I guess it works. I still couldn't do it.

@notaurewhatusername I expect you are arguing because of the nighttime crying. DH wants a settled life and dc is interrupting that. DS should be in his own room. NHS suggests 6 months. So I would give him his pen room but fairly close. Have a monitor and reduce stroking etc.

Last night I gave in and co-slept after 2am. I CANNOT cope with this anymore. I just can’t. I’m defeated…

No way would I ever consider your husbands suggestion, that's neglect and it would be awful. I think you're almost there though, it will get better soon in my experience. I have 4 children and I've never sleep trained, still waking twice is very normal, most of mine got better around 18 months.

join FB group they beyond sleep training project.

I wouldn’t suggest doing this, they are fairly extreme and oppose any form of sleep training. I’m anti sleep training but they’re too strident even for for me.

We were very responsive parents (extended breastfeeding, contact naps etc) with a child that struggled to sleep at about the same age. We ended up sitting by the cot like @Darkdiamond and this did eventually encourage our child to sleep.

You're at the extreme ends of the yes and no spectrum.

Put him in his own room ASAP. That should be done earlier, you'll both benefit.

Try gradual withdrawal in his own room. We never had a monitor but baby was next door.

I would start by rubbing his back to sleep in his cot, rather than in your bed.
If he gets very upset pick him up and cuddle him til calm then put him back in his cot and rub his back.
Once he can fall asleep having his back rubbed in his cot, then you can rub his back til he's almost asleep and then just keep your hand on his back.
Then move to putting him in the cot and just keeping your hand on his back.
Then move to just sitting next to the cot while he falls asleep.
By that point you should be able to just put him in his cot, say goodnight and leave.

Whether you do that in your room or put him in his own room is up to you.

@notaurewhatusername Own room and you have to let him cry then! Personally I think he should not be waking up all the time at 16 months. It’s a killer! So - much later to bed. Lots of food to fill him up. Lots of play right into the evening. Tire him out! Get him into a nursery for some dally respite. How would they get him to sleep?

Sleep train. Separate room, monitor and just do it. With my first I did not do it and we did this shit sleeping till he was 8. Couldn’t fall asleep by himself and it took hours!! Still makes me so angry.

With my second we did it at 11 months. She cried for 3 nights and by night 4 she slept through. Even through periods of teething and sickness when we co-slept, she went back immediately to her routine when it was over.
i absolutely regretted sticking it out with my oldest because everyone said they won’t be in your bed forever. Didn’t realise you might give up a decade of your life sleep deprived!

I know two families who have a 10 and 12 year old who still needs a parent to lay with them for hours. So it’s much more a problem than people think.

Do the sleep training. 💯

Do what you need to to make sure you stay sane and healthy, I think. But I agree with you, I would not do what your DH is suggesting. And this is coming from me, I'm still breastfeeding 15 month old, I did all sorts like getting in the crib with him to feed him to sleep and then sneaking out, he's always struggled with sleep. It got to the point it was affecting my physical health, had some things show up on a blood test.

I always used to be able to transfer him into a cot or crib for the first stretch of the night but he'd wake frequently, then I'd co sleep safe seven for the rest. DH kept an eye on us through the monitor while working overnight as well most of the night.

DH stepped in when we both agreed at 1 year old, he started settling him in his crib when he woke at night - stayed, patting and shushing, saying "it's sleepy time", wouldn't let him cry longer than 15 mins. I think first night he was asleep after 11 minutes, possibly 13. Much shorter intervals after that. Then I started doing it for bedtime. Now he doesn't even cry (as long as he's not overtired - if it's been a working day for me and he's napped weirdly early), usually has bath, book, feed, song, I rub/pat him to sleep and he's quite happy. We haven't cracked the last bit of the night so DH usually brings him in to me between 3.30-4.30 and we co sleep the last few hours or so but I'm planning to stop breastfeeding when he's 17/18 months and hopefully that helps him sleep through! DH offers him water at night as well when he wakes up.

So I am worried that I'll stop breastfeeding and no longer have it as my easy "shush now/calm down" tool 😂 but fingers crossed! I'm glad we didn't do anything more heavy-handed, it felt right for us and our baby, he's always been very cuddly. He's in a crib in his own room to be clear as well. I couldn't just leave him though, there's been the odd night where he's had a nappy leak or something. And I do believe in building a strong attachment - I think he's more confident going to sleep because he knows if he cries, one of us will be there.

Think my BIL and SIL did something that was like Ferber but you don't leave them for more than 5 minutes, so you leave for 1 min, then second time 2 mins, up to 5 mins and then any time you leave them after that it's 5 mins max. Strong bedtime routine which is similar to us too.

I also recommend the Facebook group ‘The Beyond Sleep Training Project’ - it provides support and guidance on biologically normal infant sleep

I do find it's becoming more common now to have kids needing a parent laying with them isn't it? My mum co slept with all three of us in the 90s but I was definitely in my own room as a toddler. I just think how would those kids be able to do a residential school trip or something?

Gradual withdrawal worked for us with my son at 14 months. He was still waking every two hours all night. It took a few weeks and I went very slowly so it felt manageable. I started off patting, then reduced, then moved across the room etc. I would never do what your husband is suggesting, its incredibly cruel. I dont know how he could sleep himself knowing his distressed child was crying alone for 12 hours...