AIBU to step back from caring for my “prickly” mum

[Noodleschicken]

My mum has grade 3 lung cancer. I am doing my best to be there for her - but the things she says to me are so hurtful. For example she will criticize everything i do. If i buy her one head covering “that nice, but if it’s such a good price why didn’t you get two”. Or the other thing is if I talk about me or anything nice that I have done she pretends not to have heard me. And everything my brother has done (which is limited) is much better than what I have to offer. I have had enough - I feel trapped and would like to step back.

Apologies I do appreciate that it’s difficult to get your point across in a few words - I am just struggling with providing care, sacrificing my time / my time looking after my own family - and being constantly criticized, not appreciated

Of course you are not being unreasonable. You should only do what you feel you can and what you want to do. If she’s rude and ungrateful, why would you want to help? Don’t be guilted into it.

Can you talk to her about it first? Explain how hurtful it is? Maybe she just doesn't realise how bad it is.

At least give her the opportunity to rectify it. If she doesnt, then yes, step back.

Of course, you need to take care of yourself especially so if you don't have your mum looking out for you and doing the opposite. It sounds like you're doing lovely things for her and a hard time all round

Thank you both for posting. I inadvertently got upset last week when she called me “stupid”. She was annoyed that I asked for an apology and had lots of reasons for being annoyed with me (I have been quiet lately as I’m not sure what I can or can’t say) . I feel like it’s too late I should have constantly picked her up on things years ago. But to be honest I always get nervous and can’t deal with the come back - I’m not good with confrontation so I just back down. I just feel backed into a corner now - where I really truly want to help, but the tone of voice and the picking at me makes me so stressed that I don’t want to see her

I have a slightly prickly mum too. I also had a friend whose mum had dementia and was abusive and the impact on her was horrible, not least because it makes you feel like a bad person not being able to ignore the cruelty of an unwell old lady but it still hurts of course. Your mum is no doubt going through a lot but you still deserve the love and kindness of your mum even if she can't give it to you

Thank you @FancyTurtles i think that’s u all I need really is for someone to acknowledge to me that’s it’s hard - a hard situation to be in. So I do appreciate your comment - more than I thought I would !!!

I’d say it fully depends on how she treated you growing up.
My Mum treated me terribly and palmed me off onto anyone she could so that she didn’t have to spend time with me herself.
Now she is elderly she expects me to give up the life I’ve managed to make for myself to care for her, cheerfully putting up with her constant criticisms, manipulations and verbal abuse.
Absolutely not. I am now NC with her.
I can imagine though, that if she’d been a wonderful mother to me I might be able to notice the change in character and attribute it to age so that I could overlook it and still care for her.
Think back to your childhood, teenage years and how your relationship was with her then. That should help you decide whether you are being unreasonable to take a big step back.

Why can't your brother do more, as she seem to prefer his company to yours. Is she one of those mothers who praise their sons even when they do very little but constantly criticise and belittle their daughters?

You obviously feel a sense of duty towards your mum, but you don't have to do provide hands-on care if it gets too much. Her cruel remarks are obviously upsetting you very much. You sound like a lovely daughter and it's not your fault that she is ungrateful.

That must be so hard OP, all grievance and no gratitude would do anyone's head in. At least she's compos mentis so you can justify your annoyance and don't have the added guilt of feeling the way you do when you know she can't help it.

I think you have to ignore the fact that she is your mum and treat her like anyone else so tell her when she is being horrible and act amazed that the is ungratefully asking for 2 headscarves rather than being grateful for one. Tiptoeing round unreasonable behaviour just normalises it. Your mum needs you. Call her out when she is nasty

My father has dementia and I know his personality now is not what it was 10 years ago but he needs me and I love him but won’t put up with nastiness

Challenge it, or take as much time as you need. My dad was like this. I used to get run ragged, doing 4 hour round trips at great expense, missing out on DC to be summoned to do all sorts of trivial things for him as if my time was utterly valueless except in his service.

I started to walk out of the room if he criticised. I'd just say ' Oh! I just remembered I have to...' and not finish the sentence. Sometimes I'd leave the house and go for a walk. But eventually, calling him out on it was the most effective respnse.

Don't do it emotionally. Say in a very calm, neutral voice: Mum, when you speak to me like that, are you aware you sound so mean and critical? Because it makes me not want to spend as much time helping out. Maybe the pain or the medication is causing you to be snippy but please make an effort to be kind and appreciative if you want me to continue helping you.

If she makes out your brother is golden-boy, calmly point out you do 3 times more for her than he does. Either jokily ask if she sings your praises as loudly to him, or just say, 'Oh well, if all I have to do to get your appreciation is turn up once a month like he does, I'll come around less often.'

Perfectly put.
'Tiptoeing around unreasonable behaviour just normalises it.'
That is so astute. You're right. We should never do it. Always call it out.

It’s very difficult. I’m going to sign out soon. So u just want to say thank you for reading and commenting. I will continue to navigate and always hope for either achieving a balance or being able to talk without fear of that bitey angry response

Bye bye Mum. See you!

Of course you step back!

God knows OP how to deal with this. I have every sympathy - it must be so challenging and upsetting.

Unfortunately I think it follows previously set patterns: your mother knows she can treat you with disrespect and you will still engage with her; your brother needs to be treated better, or his lack of engagement has lead to more respect (familiarity leads to contempt and vice versua).

Your mother won't change. She can't. The brain won't work like that. (Well it can, but it needs willingness in regard to nutrient, motion, social contact etc. But if she isn't listening to simple things, she won't agree to major lifestyle changes now).

Sadly, it is up to you whether you leave her be for your own mental health or continue to help her at the expense of your mental health.

It is a shite and horrible choice. I'd be angry at both of your mother and brother. But I don't think that there is any easy solution.

PS My mum is regularly horrible to me - even without dementia. I know how it feels. No matter how old you are, it always hurts.

@Tonissister i am going to call her out more often. I have to, otherwise one day I literally won’t be able to face her - and I don’t want that.

she has always relied on me to listen to her problems, I’ve done it for 30 years now, I have given myself up too willingly for just listening and I think I’m seen as weak

@Flatinbed thank uoh !!! Good advice

@Flatinbed it does help to hear your not alone !!

You don't sound at all weak to me, just not bold in terms of making clear to her that her attitude is upsetting you and totally unacceptable - and tell her that if she doesn't appreciate what you are doing (and shows it in some way) you will feel that she doesn't want your help.

That said, as an "oldie" myself, I am now encountering friends who appear to make demands rather than requests, and I wonder if this is because they are scared of how their lives are turning out in their later years, or maybe there is some element of dementia there. My own DH has recently developed physical disabilities and whilst he is not rude or demanding to me he rarely thanks me for anything I do (which some days is everything, iincluding changing soiled nappies) and I admit that I do feel unappreciated. But he is my DH so it is what wives do.

My own mum, a little quiet boring lady I had thought for most of my life, actually became more fun to be with after she developed dementia and was grateful for whatever I did. It makes a difference, doesn't it?

You need to point out that your DM's attitude is hurting you (don't play it down) and I hope she takes notice. For both your sakes.