Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Am i the only one who feels unappreciated?

21 replies

cafebistro · 23/06/2008 14:54

I have a 2 yr old and a 4 mnth old and feel like im doing it all alone. My partner works full time and i stay at home (not my choice)so while i expect to do the majority of the childcare and housework, is it to much to ask that he picks his clothes up off the bathroom floor? Get up with the children occasionally on his day off so i can have a lie in? He doesnt feel he has to as its his 'day off', i ask him when do i get a day off? He says you get a day off everyday!

OP posts:

Lauriefairycake · 23/06/2008 14:56

go out for the day and leave him to it

Then he will see how hard it is.

Saturday maybe?

Lauriefairycake · 23/06/2008 14:56

or go back to work if it wasn't your choice and you want to

Gateau · 23/06/2008 14:59

I would kick his arse hard.
I agree with laurie. Show him what his idea of a "day off" is really like. And go back to work, if at all possible - it sounds like you would like to.

StripySails · 23/06/2008 15:00

Ah the age-old problem. ALL men are like this, at leat a little bit, occasionally. No you are not the only one feel unappreciated, I bet everyone who reples says they have felt it too at some stage.

What's the answer? Well there you have me... Maybe try to find a time (weekend/annual leave) where you go away for the day for a legitimate reason (any health problems that may require a hospital stay? ) and leave him to it. Once they realise how they are counting the minutes until you walk back through the door then they have a new-found respect for what you do.

2point4kids · 23/06/2008 15:00

If you have a day off every day with the kids then him having the kids all day Saturday should be a day off for him too!
Just book something important for Saturday thaty cant be changed like an eye test that you couldnt do in the week with the kids and leave him to it!
Or tell him you've got an eye test and go shopping or out for lunch!

Original poster

cafebistro · 23/06/2008 15:01

the logistics of returning to work are complicated.I left a good job in uk to live abroad so he could do the job he wanted. Dont live anywhere near where i could work and earn enough to pay for childcare....thats why it pisses me off so much

OP posts:

StripySails · 23/06/2008 15:02

Good point 2point4.

Original poster

cafebistro · 23/06/2008 15:08

Im just trying to think of an excuse for saturday...

OP posts:

2point4kids · 23/06/2008 15:13

Make sure you dont ask him when you have found your excuse. Tell him. 'I'm off to my X appt. I'll be back after lunch, all the kids stuff is in the kitchen. Call me if you cant cope'
Then if he really gets stuck and calls, explain what to do over the phone but dont rush home. Just breezily say 'sorry darling, cant chat any longer, I've got all these chores to do. Wish I was at home putting my feet up like you are!'

thomsc · 23/06/2008 15:37

StripySails - ALL men? a little harsh...

Stay-at-home dad here. My DW works and I do the DS wrangling and we have a 'day-off' each. DW gets a lie-in on Saturdays and I don't get up if i can help it on a Sunday. We also try to let the other do their own thing on those days too. Seldom actually means real off-duty time as we tend to be doing things together, but it sure helps!

She understands that it's not all Pimms and cake in the park (well, it is occasionally) and I appreciate that she'd rather be home too.

I agree with the other posters, book a lunch, facial, whatever. TELL him and leave him to it. And try to make it a regular thing. No need for any excuses. Be upfront.

StripySails · 23/06/2008 16:47

thomsc when I say "ALL men" I do actually only refer to those who work full-time while their partners look after the children. However, within that context, having reflected whether my comment was a little harsh, I am going to stick by it. I do believe that there is not a full-time working father whose wife does the childcare who does not "at least a little bit, occasionally" think that she sits at home doing very little all day. This is of course only my opinion, based on my experience and hearsay from other mums.

I'm pleased you have managed to find such a well-understood arrangement with your wife. However one assumes that she had a period of maternity leave following the birth of her child (at least two weeks is statutory) and therefore she is in a position to appreciate the effort involved in caring for a small baby/child. It is this understanding which makes the difference.

Generally of course the grass is always greener. Those who stay at home often think working outside the home would be a piece of cake whereas those at work think staying at home is a walk in the park. We have had similar experiences in the Sails household. FWIW I think there should be distinction between "childcare" and "housework". "Childcare" is the responsibility of the designated person (which may change day-by-day, mum, dad, grandparent, nursery), "housework" should be shared equally.

Then you run into trouble disagreeing what falls in which category...

StripySails · 23/06/2008 16:53

And in further answer to cafebistro's original question "am I the only one who feels unappreciated?" here are some other people feeling unappreciated on the same subject today.

girlandboy · 23/06/2008 16:58

No you're not the only one to feel unappreciated! It only happens during a row, but I can't count the amount of times I have been told that "you've got it made". This is because I "only" work part-time and theoretically have oodles of time left over for lounging around!!! He conveniently forgets all the rest we ladies "have" to do, as opposed to "choose" to do.

A friends dh recently rang her at home and asked her about her day i.e. what she was doing. When she said that she was cleaning the hob, he said "Oh God, you must be really bored to be doing that". Not quite what she wanted to hear.

So no, you're not alone.

wasabipeanut · 23/06/2008 17:03

You are not the only one. This is your thrad so I won't rant too much but I'm having a shit day as well. Have PMT and a son in a vile mood, wouldn't eat lunch therefore wouldn't nap this afternoon because he was peckish. Got more grumpy and tired until I mde tea early which he turned his nose up at and let fall out of his mouth like I was trying to poison him.

This is on top of FIVE dirty nappies today which wouldn't be so bad were it not for the fact that whenever I change him he screams, wriggles and generally makes things as unpleasant and difficult as possible.

DH txts me - "how's your day going?" so I told him the truth and he just makes little jokey comments like it doesn't matter.

DH now finally having a nap and am on my 2nd glass of wine already

Squirdle · 23/06/2008 17:54

Hmm, no you are not the only one. Yesterday I did 4 loads of washing, mowed the grass (big lawn) cut the hedge (mahoosive hedge), cleared it all up, tidied the house (don't really know why I bothered doing that), made lunch, cooked dinner, ironed said washing, plus all those other things we have to do anyway, while DH sat on the sofa watching bike racing and the grand prix. He then said later 'oh thanks for doing all of my jobs today' Um I think you will find that I am the ONLY one who mows the lawn (he does very occasionally) and cuts the hedge etc etc.

Now yes he does work very hard and he did take the children to the park yesterday for an hour, but only after he made DS2 totally upset because he wanted to stay with me at home

I accept that as a SAHM (not totally my choice as DH works away Mon - Fri) that most of the household chores are down to me and I don't really moan about that, but DH does think I have the 'easy' life as I get to stay at home with the children.

Coincidently, whenever we go to his mums he asks her what she needs doing and gets on and does it. Now that does irritate me!

BTW wielding a big hedge cutter really does help with anger issues

Original poster

cafebistro · 23/06/2008 20:13

thank god im not the only one.Im seriously thinking of going back to work and let him look after the house and children, we have talked about it....but i seriously dont think he could cope with not being finacially independant and i just know that he would be out all day everyday and leave the chores to me anyway.

OP posts:

MumOfTwoGirls · 23/06/2008 22:34

Know what you are getting at Stripy Sails in your assertion that, deep down, all working fathers think SAHM's/PT working Mums have it easy... this w/end my husband was eating some strawberries which I'd bought to go in daughter's lunchbox, when I pointed this out, cue a strop from him as follows - " I work my b*ocks off all week and I'm not even allowed a couple of strawberries!" - followed by heated discussion about division of labour in this house - this is the bloke who repeatedly tells me I shouldn't spend all my days at home with the kids doing chores....it was clear that he was looking for an excuse to point out that he definitely works hardest. He works FT, I work 3 days. Seriously, he is great at helping out if told what to do, but the organisational aspects of the whole thing (planning meals/shopping, getting school uniform washed/ironed in time, stuff to take for school, presents for parties etc etc)would be very stressful for him - he doesn't really do "multitasking"!

LuckySalem · 23/06/2008 22:37

cafe - I'm with you it's a pain in the arse isn't it!! I'm a SAHM cos I wanna be but it's still annoying.

DP is off this week and he's done NOTHING to help with DD cos its his "holiday"

tiredandgrumpy · 23/06/2008 22:44

Have been in a similar boat & I reckon it would take more than 1 day with the kids for dh to realise what it's like. He would get absolutely nothing else done bar entertaining them - house would be left a state, kitchen a mess with dirty plates everywhere, wouldn't consider doing washing, ironing, you name it. No, I think i'd have to go away for a week, but even then he'd get his Mum down to help with kids and so he wouldn't try to do it himself.

But at least the kids worship him & they'd be happy. Guess that's the most important thing.

aintnomountainhighenough · 23/06/2008 22:59

Sorry havent read the whole post but here are my thoughts. Do NOT just have a day off on a Saturday and leave him to it. This will now solve the problem at all and probably actually won't prove how hard it is because you will come home to find that he took the 2 children out for the day, had a fab time, they think he is even more the best thing than ever they did before and all the dishes, laundry, cleaning will be sitting there waiting for your. Heres what you could do. Book a babysitter and go out for dinner, just the 2 of you. Explain how you feel, butter him up (I know this is really hard) say you understand how hard it must be for him and how hard he works and how much you appreciate him (stroke his ego big time) and then tell him what you are struggling with and how you think you can work it out. It may be that going back to work a little bit might help you however you need to talk about it not just react.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 24/06/2008 13:38

Ha - I think that this is really quite typical. When I was on ML with very high maintenance DD, I was left to do everything. I am now back at work full-time and still end up doing everything. DH was in Barcelona on a stag do this weekend and I realised that the only difference in my workload between him being there and not being there was that I did her evening bottle (which he normally does as I bathe her). I told him as much last night and he was a little embarrassed to give him credit. Whether that embarassment will translate to long-term change remains to be seen.

Flip