AIBU to stop speaking to my abusive brother for good?

[Shockednotshocked]

I need a sense check that I'm doing the right thing not talking to my brother any more.

Sorry this is long but I've tried to include everything relevant.
I'm originally from NZ but lived in the UK all my adult life. My mother and brother are in NZ.

My mother was abusive to me a lot of my childhood, favouring my brother often to my detriment.

My brother is in his 40s now and abusive and a compulsive liar.
They have a weird enmeshed toxic relationship and despite being verbally abused by my brother my mother defends him constantly and does anything to please him.

I visited my mother last year but I have a disability (a complex neurological condition) that means I now can't fly.

My mother is 81 and has cancer.

My brother does nothing to help her despite living half an hour away. I know, it's easy for me to say from the other side of the world. My mum has to "handle" him when she wants him to do anything for her.

My mother wanted him to meet her at the hospital for her first day of the next round of chemotherapy ( his day off ) but she was scared to ask him I said I'd ring him.

We talked for a few minutes, he said he'd see, I thought the call went well.

The next day instead of meeting her he rang my mum at the hospital shouting down the phone, lying about our conversation, making out he'd shouted at me that he'd asked me if I wanted her to die (Wtf?) and more. So much more.

It was awful on so many levels, him shouting at a 80yr old cancer patient, telling her lies about her own daughter wanting her to die, and not even turning up to help take her home.

My mum kept saying "why would he lie, why would he do this?" over and over, I think she was in shock!

He's lied about me and abused my mother so fundamentally I cannot engage with him any longer.

The problem is my mum keeps trying to get me to talk to him.

At first I thought from my pov, if my DCs who have a great relationship had a falling out is be upset but it's not that.
She can't appease him and it makes her anxious. And whatever else happens in a codependent toxic relationship.

YABU - talk to him
YANBU - hell no, hold the line against an abusive lying man

Well it sounds like she has brought this fully upon herself, and now has to live with the consequences. It sounds as though she is lucky you speak to her, too.

Don't feel guilty for the actions of two other adults OP. They can sort this between themselves.

I would tell your Mum that you will not be getting involved in their relationship again, that she needs to tell whoever that she has no family support.

Cut all contact with your brother.

My mother always appeased my toxic abusive sister. I live in a different country, my sister lives near my mother. When my mother needs help, she will be stuck with my sister. As far as I'm concerned, she made that bed and she can lie in it. There is no way I'll ever communicate with my sister.

This is not your problem to solve.

Yanbu.
They've got the life they earned.
I wouldn't lift a finger to help either of them if I were you.

sounds as though she is lucky you speak to her, too.@FluffMagnet
Thank you, that's what my DH says. I've been LC and NC over the years and DH always says he would have stayed NC but I felt sorry for her as she got older and I realised how bad my brother was.

@Whyarepeople I'm sorry you're in the same position. My DH says the exact same thing about making her bed and lying in it, eggs all in one (rotten) basket etc

Thank you everyone so much, I can't tell you how validating it is especially since I have only explained the bare facts. There's so much sh*t!

We had to arrange a welfare check for a relation in Canada (I'm in England). Could you do that for your mother? I just found the local social services details in the city and emailed.

It doesn't sound like your brother can be reasoned with here OP, even if you wanted to speak to him it wouldn't do any good. All you can do for your mum is do what you can yourself.

It feels harsh when it's your mother and she's 80 with cancer and afraid. But the whole of your brother's life she's been creating the situation she's now in.

You are not at all unreasonable never to speak to him again, and you may feel sadness for your mum but you shouldn't feel guilt.

Did you move to the UK to escape the dynamic?

My brother has always had a huge chip on his shoulder about me and tried to undermine me at every opportunity. He lived locally to my parents, I lived hundreds of miles away but visited regularly. I was pleasant to him for my dad's sake. But when my dad died, turned out my brother was the sole executor and he made things very difficult for me. I had no right to back into the house for example. I got a short window to take what I wanted and then he got house cleaners in who apparently smashed everything and dumped it all. Icdid get my share of the estate but the disrespect he showed to me and my late parents is something I cannot forgive. I have no need to stay in touch now but I am frostily polite as my kids and his kids (all adults now) get on. Anyway, I just wanted to mention the aftermath with wills, possessions etc so you can have a think about whether any of it will affect you xx

@muddyford my mother has good neighbours that check in on her. I've tried getting her to have a personal alarm but she won't.

@WhatNoRaisins thank you, yes she knows I'm available to chat any time and I give her a lot of emotional support.

Did you move to the UK to escape the dynamic? @Gymnopedie

Yes exactly. I had it in my op but took it out to try and shorten it. I left school early so I could work and leave home asap, went travelling at 19 and ended up here in the UK.

@Arran2024 thank you for your insights. I'm sorry you went through that.

When I visited my mother last year she gave me some family jewellery from my grandparents, and tbh that's all I wanted.

My brother has control of my mother's finances (of course he does) so I imagine he's been siphoning away for years.

He's so lazy and incompetent he will expect me to come and sort out my mother's house for him and as I can't travel, and wouldn't just to help him, he'll bin everything out of spite.

The crazy thing is my mother has no relationship with my son but she does with my daughter. She is setting up the same dynamic where I am the outsider and she portrays herself completely differently to my now adult daughter.
My DD thinks gran is a sweet old lady, funny and quirky, and blames me for not understanding my mother! She thinks my mother is neurodivergent so therefore I should be understanding of her more.

DD can not understand the sort of traumatiaed, sad, deprived, hungry childhood I had because it's so far removed from her own childhood.

I'll say one thing for my mother, she made me the mother I am today because I was determined not to put my own dcs through what I suffered, and to be the absolute opposite of her!