Professional victim

[anniejo55]

That sounds very harsh but it’s the best way I can think of to describe my mother and I need some tips on how to deal with it.

Since my dad died 10 years ago she has struggled to cope. She drank a lot initially and still does on and off. She works two days a week and the rest of the time does very little but complains about how bored, lonely and sad she is. She is unwilling to push herself out of her comfort zone and try things that might make her happier and more fulfilled. It has affected our relationship. Some examples include…

Despite only being in her mid 60s she won’t learn any new skills. She won’t even learn how to use internet shopping. She asks me to order her things all the time. I’ve told her I’m not doing it anymore but I will sit and show her properly how to do it herself as it’ll make her life so much easier. She refuses and just asks neighbours probably telling them I’m a horrible daughter who doesn’t help her.

She can’t make decisions about anything and is not proactive. This can be about anything. Her house needs maintenance work which she is aware of but won’t pick up the phone and arrange for someone to come. Also care of my elderly grandparent (her parent). She took almost 6 months off work to ‘help’ them after a fall. Grandparent is still in their own home but struggling. Mum won’t call in carers or outreach support, she just continues to complain about how hard it is.

Anytime I try to advise I get my head bitten off. Yesterday I admit I lost my rag and told her to stop complaining if she’s not going to do anything about it. To that she said ‘oh brilliant so helpful as always thanks very much’ and hung up on me. Why do I get to be the punching bag for her own frustration and failure to take responsibility for things?

As I said our relationship has suffered but she won’t take any responsibility for that either. I stopped inviting her places because she’d often turn up drunk or the day would have to include a drink somewhere which wasn’t ideal when I have my kids there. But she frames it as ‘you got married and cut me out’ and accuses my dh of being unwelcoming because he didn’t offer her a cup of tea 5 years ago (genuine comment). It’s always someone else’s fault things are shit.

There is loads more I could go into but I’ve waffled enough. She won’t get therapy or medical support. She flatly refuses to see friends then complains she’s lonely. I didn’t call her today after she hung up on me yesterday and I’m already preparing to hear how that makes me the bad one for not calling her today. It’s exhausting. I love her, I worry about her and I want her to be able to find some peace and happiness in life again but with this outlook of not wanting to even try and make positive changes, I don’t see how she can

OP you are just not going to change her. She sounds a nightmare. I would start to distance myself. If she can’t help herself, you have offered her ideas and she is not willing to act on them. But you need to learn coping strategies to not let her make you feel guilty

Sounds like my mother.

Detach, and let her get on with it.

It doesn’t sound like she’s generally expecting you to solve her problems though, except the internet shopping. It sounds like she is being strong and independent caring for her mum instead of outsourcing it and you’ve been so disparaging putting caring in inverted commas. It could be that she wants to look after her mum and offload about the burden at the same time. Sometimes people do hard things and want to vent. She might be scared of picking the wrong builder or carer. It’s probably really hit her confidence that she lost her husband and you don’t sound very compassionate. You were rude to her on the phone and she ended the call but you’re claiming she used you as a “punching bag”. It sounds like you’re the problem here not her. I feel sorry for her tbh. She sounds lovely and a bit lonely and lacking confidence.

Your only option is to leave her to it. She won't change.

I don’t blame you for not inviting her on days out if she’s drunk or expects your DC to sit in a pub so granny can have a drink. That’s not a great example to them, and i’m sure she can last without a drink, she must do at work. She is not going to change, i’d just see less of her and don’t feel guilty. My mums a bit like this, though doesn’t complain too much she’s lonely / fed up, but she’s been sitting at home for 30yrs after stopping work in her early 40’s due to a bad back (she did manual work). People are responsible for their own lives and it’s not your responsibility to entertain her, or plan her renovations etc.

I'd let the relationship slide if I were you. She sounds like a total drag.

Can you limit it to one phone call a week and when she starts complaining just say 'Gosh, that sounds tough, what are you going to do about it?' then if that doesn't work change the subject in a bright and breezy manner? Or be very direct 'Mum, I love you but I think you need to get help from the GP about your drinking and mood and I'll help you to do that'.

Tell her the truth as you have here and detach!

Refuse to see her if she's pissed - or if you don't know it till you meet her turn around and leave.

The only way to help her is to stop helping IYSWIM.

She's far too young to be dependent and clingy.

Sorry, she works part time and cares for elderly parents?

as you may or may not know you cannot force elderly parents to accept carers and if your mum took six months off to help them after a fall she’s doing a hell of a lot of caring.

do you see your grandparents?

care for the elderly is emotionally and physically exhausting and your poor mum did it for six months?

she’s a fucking saint because I wouldn’t be capable of that.

I sympathise with both of you.

When she complains, have you tried saying that whatever she is complaining must be tough and what she is going to to about it? I don't mean in exasperation, but with gentle curiosity (I know that would be difficult to pull off).

The first part might satisfy her need to vent and have her feelings acknowledged which might mollify her. The second might help to remind her that it is her responsibility to deal with day to day issues that are making her angry or unhappy. If she throws you a tetchy, "What can I do about x or y?" Remind her of her options and ask her what it is about them that she really dislikes. She might start to see that the solutions aren't as hard to manage as she feels they are.

I said day to day issues because they probably aren't the real problem. All of this probably stems from bereavement. Anger is part of the grieving process but what I think is sometimes overlooked, especially by those who are grieving, is that it can also demolish confidence and make you feel helpless. We find ourselves overwhelmed by things we had previously taken in our stride. That in itself can make people very angry.

It isn't your responsibility to help your mother manage this stage of her life and her behaviour is unfair. I just thought this approach might mean a better outcome for both of you.

I put it in inverted commas because she took time
off to spend more time there but in reality went there a few times a week for a few hours and spend the rest of the time at home. The whole point of her taking that time was to get some plans in place going forward, which never happened. It’s hard to explain without knowing the person but she has always been the type of person to continually complain about how difficult and unfair everything is without actually ever doing anything about it.

Perhaps I was rude but it’s a response to hearing the same complaints over and over and over again and my advice being ignored each time. I haven’t posted to slag her off, I’ve posted because I do love her and I want to maintain a relationship with her and help if I can. But she needs to help herself too.

It must be utterly draining for you.

I’m guessing your dad was the leader and sorted everything out.

The drinking won’t be helping and will be making her more depressed. It’s a losing battle unless she wants to do something about it. Turning Point is an excellent organisation, but she would have to want the help in the first place.

How does she manage to hold down a job and work 2 days a week?

@Lurkingandlearning has some good advice (although you will need the patience of a saint).

She has worked in the same job for years. She’s ok with routine. It’s just anything new. We lost my dad very suddenly and it was awful for everyone. He did take the lead on everything in life which in hindsight maybe wasn’t a good thing. But I would say she’s always been the type of person to not step out of her comfort zone unless really pushed. I have tried but her attitude towards me and the drinking have made it hard to continue with. She had to take responsibility for her own life. Try new things, doesn’t have to be anything major maybe join a gym or find a club or hobby. But she won’t. She would never.